Tag Archive | "god"

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged


It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™.

However, the other day, the roles were reversed. When slicing up a cucumber for a nice, pleasant Eternal-Sunday Lunch, God was at first shocked, and then intrigued, to see a message from All Humanity, cunningly concealed within the vegetable.

The message reads as follows:

Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?

At first, God was wary of this:

My first thought was, hmmmm…. A message from All Humanity concealed within a cucumber? That’s ridiculous. It must be a coincidence. Am I risking falling into confirmation bias, or something? I was pretty sceptical about it; you know, an omniscient being can’t merely accept just anything as true, merely because it sounds plausible.

So… the three of us (well, technically speaking, the one of us ) conferred together, and we were sceptical at first. But in the end, We agreed to make a statement clarifying My position.

Well, we wish to make it clear that anyone who wishes to follow Us is free to do so. Anyone who doesn’t, should be left alone. I am The Truth, and I actually value integrity and honesty from the individuals who are of my own Creation, rather than blind subservience.

However, a Joint Solidarity Statement, signed by various Megachurch Pastors, Ayatollahs, Hardcore Catholics, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Hindutva Fundamentalists, and various assorted Circle-Jerking True Believers™ informs us:

“This is self-evidently a fake. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about God, just because the person speaking is somehow slick and genial; or even because he threatens you with eternal hellfire if you don’t believe him.”

Well… can’t argue with you there. Still, I just wish everybody in this world knew that.

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”


Last time, I reminded you how much a certain kind of patronising crap about “inspirational” underdogs and under-non-dogs is now big business.

Well, now it’s even infected kinda-normal-and-sensible-within-reason religious circles™.

That’s right; worshipers at a somewhat moderate/mainline Church™ in Colorado Springs (no, not Brother Ted’s church, we’re talking one with an monthly income that is only in the mere hundreds of thousands)…

Yes, worshipers were absolutely horrified to hear a shocking sermon from their new flaming hippy, pinko liberal compromisin’ pastor™.

Well; if ever anyone in our world has even been an inspiration to the weak, the disenfranchised, the suffering; it was, and is, and always will be, Jesus Christ…. I mean, he was the ultimate subaltern figure… despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief…. You know, we’re talking wayyy beyond Charlie Sheen level here.

And Jesus, our inspiration, wants us all to follow his lead. Let us all be inspired by this man, for he is the most inspiring of all. Peace be upon him. We should all be respectful People of the Book; in the spirit of Christian tolerance, let us feel unashamed, un-insulted and entirely unpatronised and un-condescended-to, in our bearing such a noble title…

Yes, People of the Book, a beautiful name, unilaterally and benevolently bestowed on us by those I deem to be our Brothers in Christ and in general Abrahamicnesses…

I now cite the Call to Prayer: Come to Prayer, come to success… be inspirational, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Quite understandably, worshippers were less than impressed with this pretty-damn-cheap-soundin’ imitation of sub-sub-standard cable-TV-sensationalism. One disgruntled former church member™ told me:

Ok, first of all, the sermon lasted well under 50 minutes; talk about being sold short! I wanted value for money; just this for $900 in the collection plate a week? You know, I’m a retired school teacher… I mean, this shit should be golden; just can’t give out this stuff for free, unless I get my money’s worth!

And, by the way, this is the most condescending idiocy I’ve ever heard since the Galatians that the Apostle Paul wrote about were messing about with backward Judaising MSM Zionist tomfoolery!

You know, Jesus called out the Pharisees at the risk of his very life, kinda like Mitt Romney at the Iowa convention (except Jesus wasn’t a Mormon, OBVIOUSLY); he told his enemies they were on the Highway to Hell if they didn’t shape up; he founded the “Occupy the House of God” campaign and turned the tables on the 1%er money changers; he even courageously descended into Hell and laid some serious WWE smackdown on His Satanic Majesty!

I mean, what’s all this about this liberal, gentle, meek-and-mild Jesus?™ Jesus was a fighter, a true warrior of God; he wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. All this freaking pussy Democrat sentimentality about “inspiring Jesus…” It just makes me sick!

What next? I suppose this fake pastor is gonna tell me about his own secret confidential revelation from the Almighty™ that Jesus ran a free-range cat shelter, wore hippy-dippy flower-power Jesus sandals, and had his own socialist left-wing organic vegetable farm co-operative?

Or maybe he’s gonna tell me God is a liberal? Jesus was a Democrat? The apostles were Communist Revolutionaries? Uh-uh! You know, I am pretty sure God is FAIRLY right-leaning; well, you know, within reason.

It just reminds me of this trash on cheap low-subscription television networks about oh-so-INSPIRINGLY incontinent kids who, like, all of a sudden start talking at 6 years old…

Or about currently successful-ish and equally “inspiring” semi-millionaire businesswomen who were told they would never be able to leave the comfort of their own four walls without medical assistance!

You know, these liberal seminaries and pastors have a lot to answer for! This was what pushed me over the edge into atheism. I had a few doubts before, but this crappy liberal candyfloss pastor has just ruined everything, at long last!… Never mind all his Darwinian idiocy, it’s all his crap about gushy-wushy inspiring figures that finally turned me!

Oh and by the way, while we’re at it… what in the hell does “subaltern” mean? This is what I mean about crappy, pretentious university-trained pastors talking above us! That’s what comes of these professional pseudo-intellectual theological curricula; should’ve stuck with good old King James 1611!

Yup, you can tell him that to his face! Go on, bite me! He is literally worse than Hitler… sorry, really understated that; I mean, he’s literally worse than John Shelby Spong!

And why in the Hell was he quoting the Catholic “Call to prayer,” huh? What’s next? Baptism equality? He’s gonna start gay-baptising Christian gays? How about leather-clad lesbian worship music for all them there other kinda Christian gays? Seriously!

Fair enough. I came back to his most exalted preachiness with this helpful feedback:

“Shit! You’re friggin’ kidding me! This stupid ass-hat actually said that? This flaming hell-bound bastard clearly has some pretty damn freaky issues goin’ on! To hell with that crap!”

Hmm… not so meek and mild after all then?…

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”


DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (3)

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers


ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (0)

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible


A recent quiz written by our own staff has gone live in Beta, and early results are less than promising. It seems nobody knows the real facts of The Bible.

There are questions from the Old Testament, the new Testament, and no other testaments, since there are no other testaments acknowledged, no matter what Muslims of Mormons might say. I can make quizes for you guys too, if you like.

(TAKE THE 12-QUESTION BIBLE QUIZ NOW). Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (12)

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners


MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies


HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month.”

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Religionism, Talky PicturesComments (0)

The Latest Thing In Human Evolution- Interchangeable Body Parts


According to Genesis God made man out of the dust of the earth and woman out of Adams rib- not an especially impressive start. But in the thousands of years since then things have changed and so have we humans.

In Adam’s and Eve’s time they only needed to wear fig leaves to survive the environment until you-know-who came along. Nowadays one almost needs a suit of armor. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (0)

Even Atheists May Hear the Voice of Jesus (comic)


We are all able to hear the voice of God. Even atheists may hear His voice, though it may not carry the exact message that the faithful would like to hear.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE CARTOON.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So surely no true Scotsman would behave like this, but what about the guy that hears the voice of Jesus, God, or the immutable Holy Spirit? For reasons unknown to me, we don’t call those who follow the words of their gods “crazy people” despite the fact that they hear voices in their head. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (1)

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite


INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Environment, ReligionismComments (1)

There Is(n’t) No Morality w/o the Bible (comic)


The argument is everywhere. Without the Bible, there would be no morality. Well that’s obviously untrue, since atheists are disproportionately absent in jails.

Blame that on the lack of education of many Evangelicals (especially the home-schooled crowd) if you like, but you’ve got an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful being on your side. We just have science. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (2)

God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”


God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (5)

Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God


MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Education, ReligionismComments (0)

God Gay


In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy


HEAVEN – Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He has given “next-to-no-thought” as to the boy’s future. Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (1)

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family


INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in ReligionismComments (2)

Page 1 of 3123
Glossy News Fake Commercials!


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

7 posts
5 posts
3 posts
2 posts
2 posts
1 post
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial