Tag Archive | "god"

Jesus Deplores Decline in his Social Mobility (1/2)

Jesus thinks his career has been on the slide for millennia (if not for eternity), and he’s just sick of it.

You know, I was once at the absolute top of the pile in the job market. Full-time Son of God.

Actually God.

But you know what? The higher you get, the further you fall. Now I’m starting to know how Wotan feels.

So how did I get to this dire state? Read the full story


Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (1/3)

Well, it only took me a day to beat The Respect Police! :P

And to publish my astonishing revelation of the boundless grace, mercy and abhorrently irrational bullshit…

That Lord Jehovah (of Watchtower celebrity fame and stardom) dispenses to his most achingly subservient and submissive followers.

So, this is the latest (not-so-)private revelation from the Lord that Jehovah has granted unto his best buddies (abject servants) among the Witnesses. Read the full story


Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the Internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In a surprising move as a result of this development, God has stepped down as the Supreme Force of the Universe. Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. Read the full story


Posted in Internets Tubes, ReligionismComments (7)

Republicans Have Saul-like Epiphany Day After Winning Mid-term Elections

The day after winning a vital mid-term election that would give them a much stronger control of the U.S. Government, the Republican Party has apparently experienced an epiphany on the majesty of that which affected Saul on his Biblical quest to persecute the Jews.

Only in the example of the Republicans it will prevent them from smiting the Democrats. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (5)

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged

It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”

Last time, I reminded you how much a certain kind of patronising crap about “inspirational” underdogs and under-non-dogs is now big business.

Well, now it’s even infected kinda-normal-and-sensible-within-reason religious circles™.

That’s right; worshipers at a somewhat moderate/mainline Church™ in Colorado Springs (no, not Brother Ted’s church, we’re talking one with an monthly income that is only in the mere hundreds of thousands)…

Yes, worshipers were absolutely horrified to hear a shocking sermon from their new flaming hippy, pinko liberal compromisin’ pastor™. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (3)

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (0)

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible

A recent quiz written by our own staff has gone live in Beta, and early results are less than promising. It seems nobody knows the real facts of The Bible.

There are questions from the Old Testament, the new Testament, and no other testaments, since there are no other testaments acknowledged, no matter what Muslims of Mormons might say. I can make quizes for you guys too, if you like.

(TAKE THE 12-QUESTION BIBLE QUIZ NOW). Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (12)

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month.”

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman. Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, Talky PicturesComments (0)

The Latest Thing In Human Evolution- Interchangeable Body Parts

According to Genesis God made man out of the dust of the earth and woman out of Adams rib- not an especially impressive start. But in the thousands of years since then things have changed and so have we humans.

In Adam’s and Eve’s time they only needed to wear fig leaves to survive the environment until you-know-who came along. Nowadays one almost needs a suit of armor. Read the full story


Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (0)

Even Atheists May Hear the Voice of Jesus (comic)

We are all able to hear the voice of God. Even atheists may hear His voice, though it may not carry the exact message that the faithful would like to hear.


Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So surely no true Scotsman would behave like this, but what about the guy that hears the voice of Jesus, God, or the immutable Holy Spirit? For reasons unknown to me, we don’t call those who follow the words of their gods “crazy people” despite the fact that they hear voices in their head. Read the full story


Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (1)

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Read the full story


Posted in Environment, ReligionismComments (1)

There Is(n’t) No Morality w/o the Bible (comic)

The argument is everywhere. Without the Bible, there would be no morality. Well that’s obviously untrue, since atheists are disproportionately absent in jails.

Blame that on the lack of education of many Evangelicals (especially the home-schooled crowd) if you like, but you’ve got an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful being on your side. We just have science. Read the full story


Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (2)

God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (5)

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