Attorney General William Barr, after a recent fiery speech about the traditional natural law tradition vs recent human rights perspectives, has further shocked his detractors by committing the supreme blasphemy: denying America is the greatest country of the Free World, or indeed that is actually part of the Free World at all!
Initially, Barr had intended to make America great again, as the leader of the Free World. However, given the vast vested interests he claims to have encountered, Barr has swiftly changed tack, and is now proudly flaunting America’s credentials as the first nation in the free world to be no longer be free.
Barr recently told Fox News:
According to several day’s consultation with the Republican Party mainstream and top DNC Five Eyes lobbyists and sundry unmentionables from Red China on the way forward for America, I found that freedom, although supposedly a highly contested term, is really much simpler than we think, although Hillary and Dick insisted I mention that it’s only those ungrateful, primitive savages in Libya, Afghanistan and, wherever the others ones are (I’m quoting their exact words from memory!), who just ain’t got the memo yet!
Apparently, instead of being pedantic with all this Borked-up judicial activist highfalutin intellectual nonsense (Chris Christie to thank for that elegant turn of phrase, always the soul of New Jersey aesthetic pretension!), we ought to break it down into something simple that everyone can understand!
And this, believe it or not, was the tough part. Eventually, we struck a nice bipartisan compromise, and determined that millennia of Grecian, Roman, Jewish, Christian and generally pro-American civilizational splendour and/or pioneering intellectual brilliance, had led to not one, but two necessary but not by any means sufficient conditions for freedom! (Suck on that one, Milton… No not you, the other guy! FRIEDMAN!)
Grover Norquist suggested McDonalds as the sole fundamental criterion for liberty (Lindsey Graham had the temerity to interrupt and insist on Porker King, but I guess we’ll work out later how to deal with this boy if he doesn’t measure up…) As for the Democrat Party, not so sleepy Joe Biden, for reasons that remain to be disclosed, suggested Pornhub, although he quickly walked it back and said he was against Pornhub before he was for it, and when rebuked for this obvious lie, said that all 15 million of his Swiftboat comrades agreed with him, and he should know, because he was there when him and Captain Jack Sparrow tossed Darth Vader and his long-lost godson Daenerys Targaryen into the White Witch’s crack o’ doom in the Ministry of Magic…
So, as we were unable to impose a purely partisan conclusion upon those present, we agreed that both Pornhub and McDonalds are the sole conditions of a free society. Finally, both sides felt we were getting somewhere, as most of our allies have both, while places like North Korea, the Islamic Republic of Iran and Myanmar don’t.
However, I still wasn’t satisfied, as I felt the Democrat Party were getting too big for their boots, and seemed to want to impose their bullshit ‘equal right to an opinion’ on everyone else. Sensing a very dangerous precedent that risked becoming entrenched in double quick time, I paused for (not remotely menacing) effect and said:
“You realise what this means now, don’t you?”
Gasps of horror erupted around the room, as they realised the jig was up.
I went on to tell them that I am all for our world-renowned haute cuisine, falsely labelled ‘junk food’ by the mainstream media and other batshit crazy liberal conspiracy theorists; but pornography is quite another matter. Now we know that even before our meeting, I had declared porn a public health crisis. Now it seemed even more of a public health crisis, with all these backseat judicial activists in the Democrat party trying to make some kind of moral equivalence between McDonald’s and Pornhub, a manifest act of disloyalty whereby they likened an all-American corporate legend to some destructive, pernicious, soul-destroying, pointless, overhyped, hideously bloated corporation that is universally despised and loathed for its cynical trafficking in human misery, not to mention its degrading, utterly uninspiring and indeed downright repulsive aesthetic of Fordian mass consumption.
I ruthlessly pressed the logic on to its logical conclusion, which if you haven’t noticed, is something us legal eggheads enjoy doing the odd time, you know, just for shits and giggles! Unless of course we’ve seen a top witness with dirt on millions of establishment elite figures mysteriously ‘suicide’ himself when he was supposed to be on watch 24/7… But then, I guess that’s just another matter entirely, isn’t it!
Anyhow, the ridiculously dishonest and disingenous attempt by the Democrat Party to compare McDonalds with Pornhub led me to go even further than trying to enforce existing obscenity laws. That’s why I advised Trump to do a tremendously eloquent and intellectually compelling speech the other evening, which the media ruthlessly took apart, for reasons best know, as always, to themselves…
“Pornhub never existed! You know, I got, I got a lot of people coming to me, saying ‘Donald Trump was never on Pornhub!’ I said, ‘No of course I wasn’t! Who said I was on Pornhub?’ And I look, and it’s like, I type the letters in, and this website never even existed! It was a fake domain! And I asked Barr, and you know, we tried like a million search engines, literally a million! And the fake news, we all know it, they’re already pretending this is an exaggeration, but maybe they should tell us about Benghazi and where Putin’s weapons of mass destruction are… No, no, NO! Wrong… WRONG! Wrong answer! I said Saddam’s, not Putin’s… Oh yes I did! Remove them now… Yes I did, YES I DID! DON’T BE RUUUUDE… DON’T BE RUDE, there are women and other slobs and disgusting pigs watching… No I didn’t call women slobs and disgusting pigs, only the Democrat Party shills on Pornhub… So I’m now saying it existed? No I didn’t, you know what we call this? You don’t? Well I’m going to tell you what we call it. It’s called the FAKE NEWS! This is is one of the best things I ever invented… Obama never ONCE talked about the fake news, everyone’s telling me he never once said it, not a smart guy. Tremendously NOT-smart, ‘not-smart’ is another word I invented, now half the media are using it… Yes, they are, wrong, wrong, WRONG! Anyway, you look like you belong on Pornhub, next to Michelle Obama and John McCain… Respect for the dead? Look, NOBODY respects dead people more than I do, I just did? No I didn’t, only the haters and losers!”
Mr Barr, we’re running out of time!
The widely read AG finished with a stunning allusion to Guns N Roses:
All I’ve got is precious time. Let the Chinese have their Chinese Democracy. As for America, it sounds like ‘freedom’ and ‘democracy’ are the gods that failed. Let us eat supersize Big Macs and go home to our supersize wives: as for the ‘Free World,’ let the dead bury their dead!
The Glossy News team asked Xi Jinping to comment on Barr’s inflammatory comments, but it appears our old friend the Chairman was too busy compiling the world’s largest dragon hentai database to moisten our ears any further than he has already the past few years.
Kinda creepy… but then again, it takes all sorts, doesn’t it!
The United States Department of Justice [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons