New York City Mayor Bloomberg made God-fearing GOP senators quake in their extremely heterosexual boots this week when he came out in favor of gay marriage and said he would do everything he can to support a bill brought before Congress.

Bloomberg is currently the largest financial contributor to the Republican Senate ,making some political analysts suspect that many Republican Senators will have to choose between reelection and legalizing gay marriage.

Mitch McConnell, seeming torn, issued the following statement in response: “What I don’t believe Mayor Bloomberg understands is that gay marriage is icky. When he realizes what one guy would be doing to another guy with no women involved I think he will change his mind. I mean seriously, has he heard what they do to each other?”

McDonalds has come out strongly against Mayor Bloomberg’s comments. Read the full story

Saint Sozy, France – GlossyNews.com French paleontologists have discovered a Neanderthal cave painting said to represent hands eagerly reaching for a Big Mac, or at least proto-Big Mac, according to the journal, Ancient Discoveries.

According to Jean-Claude Bouisquet, curator of the Museum of French Archeology, the painting was found during excavation of a Neanderthal cave encampment at La Roche-Cotard, and can be reliably dated to 25,000 B.C. Read the full story

As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves. Read the full story

SAN FRANCISCO, California (Glossy News) – With the recent call of progressive groups in San Francisco demanding that McDonald’s no longer be allowed to include a toy with every happy meal, the company has shifted focus away from food and has come up with what they believe is a perfect compromise to the situation.

Beginning next week, when families with children drive up to the nearest McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal, they will receive a simple bag with one burger, one small fries and one small drink and be on their way, sans toy. Read the full story

Rules are made to be broken and it appears that may be happening in the case of the fast food giant McDonald’s when it comes to complying with the new rules handed down under the Health Care Reform Bill. We knew it would only be a matter of time before large employers claimed their bottom line would be affected if they were to (gasp) be required to provide affordable health care insurance coverage to their employees. Read the full story

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Read the full story

Denver, CO – A nutritionist, bent on taking McDonald’s down for its unhealthy practice of dishing up preservative-laden foods to the general public, has now admitted that although there are enough preservatives in a McDonald’s bun alone to allow it to sit on a shelf for a year without decomposing, she also admitted that if a person were to eat a Happy Meal a day, they would effectively be preserving their body from the inside out, thereby alleviating the necessity to having their bodies embalmed upon death.

“You may die at a much earlier age, but your body will essentially never decompose,” she said.

PACIFIC OCEAN, 135° to 155°W (GlossyNews) — Entrepreneurs worldwide are being lured by the siren call of opportunity rising from the Pacific. The middle of the Pacific Ocean, that is.

The multinational realty conglomerate, Glutton Realty, has purchased the vortex of marine litter in the central North Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The company plans to convert the trash into a new mega-island. With more acreage than the state of Texas at their disposal, speculators anticipate selling these “premium” tropical parcels at astronomical prices. Read the full story

In a bid to remain the #1 burger chain in the world, McDonald’s has announced that it will start selling wine coolers at its South Beach locations in Miami beginning the middle of March, 2010, just in time for spring break. Called McWineCooler Swirls, the alcoholic beverages will be served during McHappy Hour from 4-7 p.m. daily at the McSaloon section of the restaurant. The beverages will not be served in the main family area of the restaurant.

This comes on the heels of news that Burger King is opening a Whopper Bar on South Beach and will be selling beer alongside the standard whopper and fries fare. Said a spokesperson for Burger King, “It’s an idea whose time has come; unfortunately, we can’t sneak anything past those sneaky snakes at McDonald’s.”

If you’ve ever traveled, whether it was across town or across the world, the one thing you wanted more than unlimited outgoing calls from your room was something familiar that reminded you of home. In my case I could think of nothing better or more familiar than passage of those golden arches through which kids come out happy and cows come out hamburger. Read the full story