ISIS 2.0, better than you’ve ever tasted before, recently got a boost from some prominent pre-millennial evangelical apocalypse watchers. But despite these ringing endorsements from America’s top theological enterpreneurs, the self-proclaimed Union of Jihadist Soviet Republics has now faced its first serious setback, as a wide array of bigoted social media critics falsely accuse ISIS of being fragile social media snowflakes.
Recently, after flipping the world’s most dangerous organized cybercrime cartel from an egregious pro Hillary bias to a no less egregious pro Trump bias, Zuckerberg came knocking on the new Caliph’s door, asking to make amends.
Al-Baghdadi’s tinpot-Tenga-egg successor, who pretty much nobody outside of Labour Momentum or the Atlantic Council (insofar as there’s a difference!) has the slightest recollection of, went full Donald Trump style, not-so-strategically rage-tweeting:
Zuckerberg is a very, VERY dishonest person, and I did a lot for Zuckerberg, tremendous traffic, tremendous web activities, Facebook would be nothing without our millions of ISIS accounts! Zuckerberg cried like a little bitch and BEGGED me to take him back! Too bad, low energy loser, nobody cares! SAD!!!!!
Then the Facebook board, as the very last of last resorts, tried bribery (normally Silicon Valley prefer sucking the ass of people in power instead, but I guess a felon’s gotta do what a felon’s gotta do!) offered millions of dollars to grease the wheels of the ISIS war machine, even offering to create billions of fake accounts and deepfake videos, including a long-rumoured President Assad / Lady Gaga /Madonna Kool-Aid sex tape.
However, Zuckerberg has now been well and truly dumped like a dog. Will Michael Wolff be there to save his ass????
Michael Wolff is a total loser who made up stories in order to sell this really boring and untruthful book. He used Sloppy Steve Bannon, who cried when he got fired and begged for his job. Now Sloppy Steve has been dumped like a dog by almost everyone. Too bad! https://t.co/mEeUhk5ZV9
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 6, 2018
ISIS are now taking Youtube by storm, with the latest edgy, hysterical rival to Count Dankula and Riley Dennis shrieking:
Facebook are the most ruthless, callous, expansionist evil empire in the entire history of the world! No end to their greed, dishonesty and endless thirst for power! Even we weren’t able to halt their brutal rise to power! Divine intervention? My fuckin’ ass! Pack up boys, it’s over! WE FINALLY MET OUR MATCH!!!!!