Tag Archive | "Texas"

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan


The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan: Read the full story

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Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic


Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Read the full story

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Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On


Keller, TX – Mockery of the justice system spread across the country today as a Texas judge sentenced Ethan Couch to 10 years probation for the murder of 4 people while driving drunk in June 2013.

Ethan, 16 at the time of the accident, had a blood alcohol level of .24 which is not only 3 times the legal limit but Ethan is also a minor.

He collided into a good Samaritan who was assisting a stranded motorist killing them on impact. Defense argued that Ethan Couch suffered from “Affluenza,” a product of a lifestyle in which money bought privilege and that there was no “rational link between actions and consequences.” Newton’s third law of motion begs to differ. Read the full story

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Texas Messed With


AUSTIN, TX – It has been confirmed that the southern state of Texas was messed with today, as details of the messing continue to emerge.

Little is known at present about the exact nature of the messing, but various spokesmen and figureheads are believed to be “tired of this shit, y’hear?”

Despite repeatedly warning outsiders not to mess with the second largest state in the Union, Texans were left irate as it became apparent that their threats had fallen on deaf ears. Read the full story

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Texas Judge In Quite the Moral Quandary After Unborn Fetus Kills 3


WACO, TEXAS — The Hon. Judge Earl Baker is reportedly “in a pretty big pickle” following the conviction of an unborn fetus who was found guilty of murdering a family of three earlier this year.

According to court records from the case of Texas v. Fetus, jurors found the fetal defendant guilty on all three counts of first degree murder but, as Judge Baker put it, “I’m havin’ a hell of a time sortin’ this whole thing out and comin’ up with an appropriate sentence, on account of the fact that it would technically be an abortion if we were to throw the switch on that adorably tiny sociopath.” Read the full story

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Boy Scouts Allow Gays, Ban Hetero Troop Leaders


IRVING, TEXAS — In a surprise move yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America announced plans not only to accept homosexual troop leaders, but furthermore to ban heterosexuals from all leadership positions.

RIGHT: Founding Scout Master Freddy “Flip” Antouchyerson. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

In a statement released this morning, BSA Spokes-scout Scruff McDougal said of the policy change, “It was a difficult decision indeed. Just because the Pentagon and other leaders of the U.S. Armed Forces decided to let ‘the gays’ do battle on the front lines of horrific and deadly warfare against some of the most vicious warriors and savage, dogmatic killers in the worst, most unforgiving hell-scapes this planet has to offer, well, that doesn’t mean they’re ready to be scouts. As you can imagine, we really had to think this through. At the end of the day, though, we decided to let them try.” Read the full story

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Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman


Everywhere, United States- Americans shared a collective sigh of relief this week when they discovered that a tragic explosion in Texas had nothing to do with a crazed individual maliciously seeking violence amongst the population.

There had been such a long standing trend in recent months where havoc was being wrought. A fertilizer plant explosion in Texas alleviated a lot of fears held by most Americans. Read the full story

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White House Agrees To Texas Secession, Perry Now King


In a surprising announcement late this evening, the White House announced it’s decision to let the state of Texas secede from the union.

This was reportedly in response to the numerous signatures that were attached to a petition that was submitted to the White House web site earlier this month. When a petition crosses the 25,000 signature mark, it warrants a response.

Right: Newly crowned King of Texas Rick Perry. Click to enlarge. Read the full story

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Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”


It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew straight up, and that’s why you put your vote behind that person. Read the full story

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Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All


It was a scary 72 hours this past weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. Read the full story

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The Texas Abortion Gauntlet: It’s Runny


With Texas Governor Rick Perry signing a new bill requiring women to see a sonogram of their unborn baby before undergoing an abortion, into law, the nature of the abortion debate has changed nationwide.

The law in its current form requires a 24 hour waiting period and for photos of the developing fetus to be made available to the expecting mother. Governor Perry praises the law saying, “Every life lost to abortion is a tragedy we all must work together to prevent.” Read the full story

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GOPTea Spins Blame For Burning Southwestern States


WASHINGTON, DC —BobZaguy GOPTea Gov. Rick Perry of Texas has now officially been accused of causing problems by staging his “Rain Dance Prayer Services” in Texas. Weeks after the Perry Prayers were offered up in Texas, the Eastern and Northern Plains states of the US are awash in rain and flooding. As is California. Read the full story

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East Texas Town Succumbs to Old-Fashioned Steapl Chase


Raisin, TX-The East Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States.

When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a dale along a two-lane highway, a gigantic weathered sign depicts an intimate close-up of a strikingly Aryan Jesus on what is arguably one of his worst days. Read the full story

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Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy


ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (5)

Senator Apologizes to Conquistadors


NUEVO LAREDO, Texas (GlossyNews) — In a move termed a ‘head scratcher’ by DC insiders, TX Senator Denton R. Fender this week released a statement aimed at rapprochement towards Spain, and some people who have been dead for five centuries.

“The condemnation of these noble explorers is way overdue for a shakeup. Far too long we’ve let Liberals write history, and Liberals always demonize free market capitalism. Slanderous revisionism of the Conquistadors reflects poorly on the noble Spanish people, and I for one sincerely apologize. Cortez and Pizarro, they were entrepreneurs in the finest American tradition. ” Read the full story

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White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again


Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent “No Laugh, No Way” meeting that, “It’s about time people stopped laughing. Read the full story

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