Tag Archive | "terrorists"

Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?


NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:

We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…

And thought-provoking!

Now, what on earth did I mean by that…

!

***

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Read the full story

Posted in War Zone, World NewsComments (1)

Morsi’s Democracy (Song Parody, NSFW)


This parody of ‘Chinese Democracy’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses is dedicated to everyone who has ever stood up to political Islamists. 

If the theocrats really do believe hellfire exists, then every moment of their life should be one of the utmost terror and foreboding.

Hellfire awaits the Jihadi

Gonna find out for yourself

Endless torment, Jihadi

You’re gonna leave this world,

Cast down forever below the earth

 

Rotten pigfucking missionary

Crack-smoking Dawahmongering visionary

Hatin’ on them pesky gays ‘n’ Jews

Hellfire is for those who lose

I know that you’re a worthless prick

An enchanting story-peddling dick

Blame it on the Coptic guys

You will meet your end and greet the flames of hell now

 

Yeah subhuman vermin shit like you

Gonna win your virgins by raping?

But even with a little dried-up dick

All you got left is masturbation

I’m gonna gas the rats, is it really really such a crime?

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Cause it would take longer than eternity

To consummate your vile damnation

Even with your tearful eyes

Satan smirks at your masturbation but all you got is

Damnation for all time

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Keep your broke-ass lil fuck puppet locked up inside

Beat her, choke her, rape her, hear your children cry

She’ll come and haunt you in your prison cell

And she’ll choke you! Blazing barbed wire in hell

Nothing can ever make you stop

Hell’s torments, he screams, your eyes will pop

No more hypocrite’s repentance

Cos you’re forever out of time!

 

Posted in Music, World NewsComments (0)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)


The drip-drip-drip of resentful gushing (or at least, the salty current of ‘that’s a bit rich!’-nesses), crabbedly flowing forth from the highly creative and dynamic pen of Dick Cheney continues to swirl and course… Read the full story

Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (0)

Weeks after Toddler Exile Fiasco, John Lewis Internal Dissident Mysteriously Disappeared… Um, ‘Disappears!’


Notable socialite-apologist silk-peddler syndicate John Lewis has recently got into trouble for its new policy of systematically exiling toddlers and other vicious and unpredictable terrorists and master criminals:

But since this recent dastardly scheme started to unfold a few weeks back, some few brave internal dissidents have dared to play the aching predictable and mundanely tedious role of a tinpot Nicky Bukharin.

One irritatingly vainglorious John Lewis libertarian traitor rants:

Look, I know where the Supreme Leader is coming from on this one, and I’m not gonna be the one to challenge his unimpeachable wisdom. But, just think about it!

I mean, I know these evil toddlers are unscrupulous and evil and wicked and just plain barbaric, but don’t you understand that viciously hammering down on these vile people is precisely what they want? We’re just playing into their hands by disrupting our customary cozy, complacent, petit-bourgeois Surrey UKIP retiree way of life! But isn’t that precisely what these wicked bastards WANT us to do?! Read the full story

Posted in CrimeComments (0)

Song Parody: Gimme Gimme Gimme Jihad After Midnight


Just past prayers
And I’m watching haram movies in my flat all alone
How I hate to make this Dua on my own
Howling winds
Blowing outside my bowels as I munch some shrooms
And it makes me really want to make a boom

My soul is nearly there
I grunt and offer up a prayer
I twitch my brow like Tony Blairrrrr!

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
End Satan’s reign of terror, begin the Caliphate’s day

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
I’m so sick of this oppression from the Jews and the gays Read the full story

Posted in Music, War ZoneComments (0)

Presidential Hopeful Rand Paul Says Terrorists Have Better Music


Cleveland Ohio – On August 6th the presidential hopefuls for the Republican party gathered in attempts to remind people that Donald Trump is not a real candidate.

Among the cocks in the cluster fuck were Governor Chris “Bridge-y McHugs” Christie and Rand Paul, a poodle fur ‘merkin enthusiast. Read the full story

Posted in Music, PoliticsComments (0)

9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)


9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

In Part 1 Flight 93 has accomplished its goal of smashing into the White House, apparently killing President George W. Bush. Secret Service men are now searching for Dick Cheney who is the new President by default.

– – – – – – – – – – –

PART 2

Dick Cheney was a very lucky man. The Fates seemed to favor him. He was at the east end of the White House, furthest from the impact point. He had been standing, immersed in the incoming news of planes hitting the World Trade Centers in Manhattan when the impact threw him against a wall of books, then to the ground. Read the full story

Posted in Politics, Serious CommentaryComments (0)

Je Suis Charlie – Where Murder And Humor Have Met


As you know, yesterday three gunmen entered the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, and killed twelve people.

The magazine was known for its biting satire and has several times depicted Mohamed in a mocking fashion. It is considered a damnable sin in Islam to make any sort of picture of their Prophet.

The office of Charlie had been firebombed in 2011. The editor and staff had been often been sent death threats. On January 7th those threats were made real. Read the full story

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, ReligionismComments (2)

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women


A Note From The Editor- Due to current difficult economic situations and due to pressure from First Amendment Rights groups Glossy News must unfortunately include ads in our article runs. These ads do not necessarily reflect the opinions and thoughts of Glossy News or its publisher.

It could, however, reflect not only the opinions but also the half-brained philosophy of some of our writers, many of whom I personally know to be Godless Communists and flipped out weirdos. It is with extreme trepidation that the following ad is presented: Read the full story

Posted in Religionism, Strange PeopleComments (0)

The 13th Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony Begins With a Blast


Kicking it off this September comes an event the whole world has begged to be a part of. Unfortunately for them, only a selected number of Muslims were able to make it inside.

Since 2001, the Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony has been a part of the Al-Qaeda family who have their traditions such as: Executing anyone they come across with, annoyingly chanting their monkey song ‘Allahu Akbar’, and the classic accidental suicide bombing bloopers the entire unibrow family enjoys. Read the full story

Posted in War Zone, World NewsComments (0)

President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades


Washington, D.C. – Most people consider the Boston Red Sox trade of future baseball god Babe Ruth for a cash loan to finance the No, No, Nanette musical to be the worst trade of all time. But No, No, Nanette, we have a new winner.

Over the weekend, President Obama approved the trade of a captured war deserter who may have become radicalized by our enemy in exchange for five known, high-ranking terrorists so they can get back on the battlefield again. Read the full story

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi


Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Read the full story

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports EventsComments (1)

9/12 Not Remembered


WASHINGTON – Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 – a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation’s 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Read the full story

Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists


The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Read the full story

Posted in Crime, Human InterestComments (2)

Released from Gitmo, Right Back to Terrorism


Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.” Read the full story

Posted in War ZoneComments (4)

Macy’s Nixes Taliban March During NYC Thanksgiving Day Parade


According to retailer giant Macy’s, the annual New York City Thanksgiving Day Parade was put on hold today by a New York court after an injunction was granted. The Taliban of Afghanistan protested the parade after its application to march was denied by the retailer.

The Taliban Islamic extremists have also filed their own countersuit stating their ‘right to march’ just as any other religious or political group. The court stated the unfair and prejudiced actions by the extremist organization ‘made it a hate group’ and was not protected by equal rights legislation recently enacted and reviewed by the Supreme Court. Read the full story

Posted in Strange PeopleComments (2)

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