The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Read the full story

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.” Read the full story

According to retailer giant Macy’s, the annual New York City Thanksgiving Day Parade was put on hold today by a New York court after an injunction was granted. The Taliban of Afghanistan protested the parade after its application to march was denied by the retailer.

The Taliban Islamic extremists have also filed their own countersuit stating their ‘right to march’ just as any other religious or political group. The court stated the unfair and prejudiced actions by the extremist organization ‘made it a hate group’ and was not protected by equal rights legislation recently enacted and reviewed by the Supreme Court. Read the full story

The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife. Read the full story

As every viewer of Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC knows, at the very end of his show, Keith Olbermann makes a point of counting down the days from when Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq, the beginning of the Iraq war, and more recently, the day of the oil rig explosion that killed 9 oil workers in the Gulf of Mexico.

Facing criticisms for his negative view of the world, Olbermann has been asked why he only focuses on issues over which we have no control when he could be bringing to light matters that we may be able to turn around for the better. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter,” said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party. Read the full story

The latest attempt at terrorism by Nigerian nationalist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallabhas, is the straw that broke the camel’s back in America’s newscasting business. In a rare show of agreement between the top media outlets, news commentators from every major prime time and cable news program, excluding PBS, has asked the FBI, CIA and other law enforcement and governmental spokespersons to create shorter nicknames for terrorists as soon as any new terrorist threat or action is leaked to the news. Read the full story

New York, NY — In a unique reversal of its former policy of attracting the poor and oppressed for its legions of bomb makers and bomb blowers, Al-Queda has changed its strategy to recruiting young, rich Westerners to its agenda instead. The world’s premier terrorist organization is now attempting to attract yuppies to fill its ranks. For example, here is the latest video outing from Osama bin Laden himself, patron saint of the Terrorist movement: Read the full story