Tag Archive | "soccer"

Van Gaal’s football by numbness misses United’s point


Manchester United boss Louis van Gaal is nothing if not a pragmatist. Bristling at criticism of his side’s lack of attacking flair of late, the Dutchman has insisted that his team is still a work in progress.

It is, as he has labelled it, at a moment in an ongoing process.

United’s fans, spoiled as they were during the unprecedented entertainment levels of the Sir Alex Ferguson era, are unimpressed. ‘Processes’ are not what they pay to see. Read the full story

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Is there really a conspiracy against Mourinho’s Chelsea?


Chelsea strode to the Premier League title last season after a dominant performance for the majority of the campaign. The Blues were streets ahead of their nearest rivals and Jose Mourinho’s men had high hopes prior to the start of the 2015-16 season.

However, they have failed to inspire confidence and Chelsea are looking more like relegation candidates than defending champions. Despite their poor form and performances, Mourinho has tried to put the blame on luck and refereeing decisions.

For the past few years, the Portuguese has claimed in the press that there is a conspiracy against his side. While he very rarely accepts that they were simply outplayed by the opposition, Mourinho tends to give credit to their conquerors. After the recent 3-1 home defeat by Southampton, the Chelsea boss was once again discussing a lack of refereeing decisions to his men and placed the blame on referee Robert Madley (see video below). The Portuguese believes that Madley is not the only official to have a campaign against his side and insists that the Premier League’s top referees all enjoy watching the Blues lose. Read the full story

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Putin Smirks: ‘I Venerate the Sweat of Sportsmen in the Evening’


Vladimir Putin has now liberated most Russian football clubs and has gently taken them under his wing, guiding them into the comforting and steady hands of public ownership.

So from now on, if private football clubs wish to remain private, they must now prove their moral and spiritual worth (say nothing of financial!), by making their players wear long shorts for modesty.

Especially the men’s clubs! Read the full story

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Harry Redknapp’s Resounding Victory over Twitter Trolls


Former rugby legend Bucky Guinstella has begun his long march out of the sporting wilderness, and has embarked upon a new literary career as a Twitter troll.

However, the joke seems to be on him, and he is not having much success.

Maybe he’s just an unrecognised genius?

Well, time will tell. Read the full story

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Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (2/2)


Football Legend

Self-styled, very much self-stylish, and scandalously glossy-cape-porting Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi has made thinking about football, dreaming about football, or otherwise being remotely aware of the historical existence of football, an unforgivable and inexcusable hate crime against The Greater Good.

Back of the Old Onion Swag

And on a completely unrelated note to the latter tyrannical and highly bureaucratic measure, the UK Government have passed a new benevolently-Tory-paternalistic motion. Read the full story

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Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (1/2)


The new season has already started over here, so time to take a more politically-conscious eye at the footballing world. Read the full story

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Blair, Berlusconi Salute Blatter’s Character and Integrity


The recent revival of the Sepp Blatter affair http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/33303066

has led two of the former FIFA President’s most faithful allies business partners supporters to pay tribute..

To this leading light of international gamesmanship…

Uh, ‘sport.’

Tony Blair said:

People are criticizing Blatter now, but as I always say, ‘it’s not over ‘til it’s over.’ Just let History be the judge. Read the full story

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FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”


FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Read the full story

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An American’s Comment On All The Balderdash Surrounding Soccer’s World Cup In Brazil.


It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in the rest of the world (besides the good old USA) and England especially to task for the formation and promoting since the 16th century this thing you call ‘European Football.

Also for the invention of the ‘hooliganism’ that so often accompanies it. God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders. In doing this I am trying to equal that great American critic and literary giant Ann Coulter.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies)! A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter!

It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! You all look half naked out there on the playing field. It’s also no wonder your birth rate is going down- I can just see the sperms in your sacks screaming for mercy as they freeze to death from exposure out there on the playing field.

All you ever use in the game are your legs for crying out loud! How are you ever going to develop arm muscles when only your feet ever see any action? I can just see it now – two nations of men with an under torso like Popeye and an over-torso like Olive Oyl (These are two great American cartoon figures in case you didn’t know). What good is a game if you can’t wrap your arms around an opposing players neck and yank his head off like we do in American football? Have you ever tried to do that with your legs? One would need the dexterity of a Bolshoi Ballet star!

How does the scorekeeper keep from falling asleep when there are only two or three points made in an entire game? Is he really paid for such work? He should be made to sell beer in the bleachers in between scoring so he can pay his own way in this world just like the rest of us have to do. It’s like being on the dole, such work.

The ball is ridiculous. A painted over basketball in black and white that it looks like that crazy geometric molecule building that they have in Belgium (Is that another of the EU’s bright ideas?)
They should give the goalkeeper a cot in his little net so that he can take a snooze while he waits for the ball. He has about as much to do as a Luxembourg border guard.

One tip that I would heartily suggest is that the players wear the full uniforms with padding and helmet like our boys, and rough it up a bit. This would make it more exciting and also, when someone is hurt nobody gets upset because it covers up all the blood and the limbs that are twisted in the wrong direction. It is more anonymous when someone who is hurt has a helmet over their concaved face. One can remain more detached and impersonal over it. It also keeps the relatives of the player who are watching in the stand from getting so upset – they always think it is someone else’s boy.

Unfortunately, without radical changes, I cannot see much hope for the game. The playing fields are a terrible waste of green land. I know that you in England need all the green land you can get. It could really be used for something else, say for example to pave it over and make a parking lot for those cute little mini-cars you have, or to build something to build something really practical like a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken, both time honored American institutions.

Now, none of these suggestions have anything to do with the fact that the EU is doing better than we are in the U.S. these days.
Absolutely nothing.
Really.
Honest, it really doesn’t.
Honest.

That is all I have to say….for now.
Thank you and remember to take my advice.

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Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter


In a recent shocking turn of events the well-known genealogy site Ancestry.com has reported that they have uncovered an indisputable link between Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a man previously thought to be a fictional cannibal.

“Initially we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew,” commented Ancestry.com CEO Tim Sullivan. “We weren’t looking to sink our teeth into something this newsworthy but in the end it’s a discovery we’re excited to have made.” Read the full story

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Billions Happy During World Cup


RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam. Read the full story

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Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down


Seattle – Hope Solo, the hot goalie and star of the Team USA Soccer team, is used to swatting things away. Everything from soccer balls to guys constantly hitting on her.

But now it looks like the beauty might be taking her work home with her. The goalie was arrested this week for beating her sister and nephew after an incident at a party in her home got out of control. Read the full story

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The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent


There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Read the full story

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Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport


A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular sports.

“It’s definitely up there,” said one Chicago sports nut. “I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it’s probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf. Read the full story

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North Korean Soccer Punishment ‘Excessive’


After being knocked out of the World Cup, North Korea took unique approach to improve their teams performance, which has been criticized as a punishment and branded ‘excessive’, spec “ifically by “sports pussies.”

When our source in North Korea asked the coach why he used such excessive methods, he was forced to run laps around the field with a bag of rocks on his back and four metric pounds of gravel in his shorts, but with no explanation how to convert pounds to metric. Read the full story

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Obnoxious American Gives Snide Opinions on Euro Football, Gets Booted From EU


It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in England (and you in Scotland and Ireland too for that matter) to task on this thing you call ‘European Football’ God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies). A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter! It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! Read the full story

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