Billions Happy During World Cup

RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam.

“The people have spoken: World Cup is fun; the Ukrainian crisis is boring. Millions of YouTube viewers are proof of what’s really important.”

“Watching world-class athletes kick the ball around with consummate skill for hours, while drinking 6 or 7 beers with friends and distant acquaintances, is truly the acme of existence,” said Martín Fierro of Buenos Aires. “Why can’t there be a World Cup every year? And maybe even another one at Christmas time?”

“It’s really nice to forget about the economic crisis for a while,” said Joachim Schlemiel of Berlin. “Last month, I was really stressed out about the European Central Bank moving to negative interest rates. How will I ever get any yield on my investments in a world of negative interest rates? But now I have let go of my fears about my financial future and have fully surrendered myself to exciting World Cup action.”

“Even if I have to eat cat food during my retirement–or even frozen lasagna with rancid genetically modified horsemeat–that’s fine with me, as long as there’s still World Cup,” said Schlemiel.

What began after World War I as a charming substitute for internecine European warfare has evolved into a cosmopolitan love fest in an increasingly multicultural global society.


According to Professor of Sociology Libby Denkins of Ball State University: “World Cup allows people to indulge in the comforting fantasy that nation-states still matter in a world run by a corporatist elite of NGOs, multinational corporations and central banks accountable to no one. The early 19th century concept of nationalism has been channeled–even sublimated–into athletic events such as World Cup and the Olympics.”

While World Cup has gained in popularity in the U.S., especially in blue states, many people in the more conservative “red states” are still skeptical.

“The three things I hate the most in this world are: the International Criminal Court in The Hague, the metric system, and World Cup soccer,” spat Rufus Jehoshaphat of Dallas. “All three are stepping stones toward World Government. America would be wise to stay away from all three if we want to remain a free nation.”

Google Trends shows that worldwide happiness has increased from 27% to 44% of the world’s population since the start of the 2014 World Cup.

Author: Dan Geddes

Dan Geddes is the author of The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book and the editor of the online journal The Satirist: America's Most Critical Journal (, an astonishing collection of satires, reviews, reviews of imaginary works, fiction, essays, poems, and satirical news. He lives in Amsterdam.

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