Tag Archive | "pets"

Welcome to CatMatch.com


Exciting news from Match.com, the world’s largest online match-making service. Since our launch in 1995, our goal has been to help men and women find their perfect someone.

To date we have found matches for several million people – and successful matches for over 50 of them.

But why should humans be the only ones supported in finding their soulmates? That’s why we are proud to announce our newest service: CatMatch.com, the first online matchmaking service for cats. No longer will your favorite feline need to prowl the alley for a suitable mate. Read the full story

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Nation’s Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners


LEXINGTON, KY – Following yesterday’s landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation’s horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners.

Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal. Read the full story

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Are Pets He/She… or IT? (comic)


This troubled me as a young kid. I referred to my dog as a “she” only to be corrected. My dog was apparently an “it”, even though I knew her gender… its gender?

Well that’s the human perspective, so I guess we should look to see the perspective from the beast’s side of it. Read the full story

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Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner


SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported.

“So, you understand, although I am currently unable to witness the ball’s existence, per se, because of your physical inhabitance of the space between my eyes and said object, I am nevertheless capable of grasping the paramount notion that it is still there,” said Truffles. Read the full story

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Dog Likes Cat, Promptly Shamed (comic)


I once had a cat. I was too little to remember it. I had siblings though, and we fought like cats and/or dogs and/or cats & dogs. Normally it was fine, but sometimes it was… well let’s just say it was interesting.

But what would actually happen if a dog admitted to liking a cat. Sure, we’ve all seen the critters cuddling up on Reddit, but surely they have to be sedated to be so friendly. I know that’s what it takes to get me to cuddle, and while I’m catty, I’m also a dog. Read the full story

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What Happens if You Don’t Worship Your Dog (comic)


Ever come home from what you thought was a normal day only to find your home utterly destroyed by the very beast you’d thought was supposed to be your best friend? Well either you lent your couch to a tweaker buddy, or you didn’t give your Fido quite enough attention.

We all wonder what goes through a dog’s head as he completely trashes your home, but luckily you have me, and I have the answers, so just suckle from the comic teat, my baby, and enjoy the wisdom you gain… can you tell I’m trying to fill column-inches… because I am. Read the full story

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What’s the Best Thing About Being a Dog? (comic)


A well kept dog is generally a happy animal, but why is it so happy? Is it because of all the love you lavish upon it, or just because it can’t remember that you cut off its reproductive organs so you could have a pet?

Why can’t it be all that. All that and so much more. The only part that matters is that your dog loves you and has a happy life, and you made all that possible. Just accept that the tongue lapping your face was on balls and ass mere minutes before and rejoice in the love you get. Read the full story

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Domesticated Dog Claims to Slay Rabbit, Citation Needed (comic)


If you’ve ever let your cat outside, you’ve surely been presented with a trophy kill. Maybe a mouse, a bird, or a smallish neighbor child. Fair enough, lesser creatures need to be selected out.

Dogs, on the other hand, are more likely to bring errant poo into your house, or maybe another dog you’ve never seen before. What can we say, you have the best Snausages in town. Read the full story

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Chick-a-Day Offers “Renewable” Baby Pets


Want to get your daughter an adorable baby chick or bunny, but worry about what will happen when it’s no longer cute? This Connecticut company has the answer; just get a new one every week.

Emma Stearner turned eight on Tuesday and her father gave her an adorable chick, which she named “Peep-peep”. She’s happy as a clam out of season and her father was as uplifted and noble as helium.

But what happens when this fuzzy little bundle of cute becomes a screeching territorial buzzard? Chick-a-day has you covered. Once a week they come back, collect the old animal and replace it with a factory fresh, one week younger, matching pet.

“We only do white rabbits and yellow chicks, at this time,” said chief animalologist and director of “perpetu-pet” ethics Walther Robeson. “We’ll branch out into more colors down the road, hell, maybe even do puppies and kittens. Too early to tell right now.”

Father Jaimes Dierdre justified it by pointing out that, “most animals grow up to be forgotten and neglected. These animals grow up to be tasty.”

Others suggest it isn’t cruel because, “the only reason these animals are alive in the first place is because someone wanted a pet. Let them exist to at least enjoy their brief time on the planet,” said no one, but I liked the idea of the quote, so I jammed it in there.

More than 200 homes in New York City are already being serviced with adorable replacement pets each week. “They never age,” says Robeson. “Well, I mean, obviously they do, but they kids don’t know that.”

Graduated pets are sold to a processing plant in Delaware to be used as “agricultural products.” So if that little boy on 5th Avenue orders the Rabbit Stifado and Angelo’s on 8th, he may very well be eating his own beloved pet.

“Listen, the main reason we’re not doing puppies and kittens is because the cost would double if we couldn’t turn around and sell them,” says Robeson. “But for the right customer at the right price, hey, come on, it’s just business.”

When asked if all their doing is selling disposable, single-use pets, multi-level marketing director Pat Eurman took offense. “No, what we’re doing is renting out livestock that is too young to harvest and would otherwise be a drain on the economy. We’re creating jobs by subsidizing the food supply, literally everyone wins.”

Chick-a-Day has come under scrutiny from several international organizations. A Russian mail order bride service of the same name has issued a cease and desist for copy write infringement.

PETA has already organized protests of Chick-a-day, but management says they won’t pay attention until they bring out the nude women. Besides, PETA protests animal testing even though their own vice president is only alive because her insulin was tested thusly.

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Posted in Biz News, Strange PeopleComments (1)

Editorial: An important message from your cat


[This week, Glossy News is pleased to introduce Tuxedo, a 23-pound spokescat who has requested to provide this op-ed piece, representing the views of household cats everywhere.]

Hey, owner. This is your cat. There appears to be a little confusion as to just exactly who’s in charge here. I know, I know. You pay the electric bill, pay the insurance (whatever that is), and you buy all the food. That does not make you king of my castle. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go over the ground rules one more time if I’m going to allow you to stay here. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/EditorialComments (1)

Communities on High Alert in Wake of Killer Guinea Pig Attacks


It seems no animal is safe to keep as a pet anymore. There was a time when people kept turtles as pets. But no longer, thanks to research which proved turtles often carry the deadly Salmonella bacteria, which can easily be transmitted to people.

Then came warnings against frogs and spiders as pets because some turned out to be poisonous. Millions of kids loved to keep bee colonies until two words changed everything: Killer Bees. Now authorities are urging families to take precautions against the latest deadly threat to their kids’ safety: guinea pigs. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (3)

California Implements “Purina Food Stamp” Program


Sinking Ship, CA – In a progressive move, the California Senate approved a law to provide for California Purina Stamps for pets. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2013.

Pet owners whose pets no longer possess the instinct for hunting and gathering will be provided for in a program similar to standard food stamp programs.

“This is a great day for California’s pets” Senator Alex Padilla, said enthusiastically. “It’s time for the 1% of the pets who chase vermin away from crops or who herd and/or protect farm animals from predators to start to look out for the other 99% of the pets who can no longer do those things. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans


INDIANAPOLIS – Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans – specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt.

Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight of an expensive photo frame or delicate candle holder falling from the the top of the living room cabinet, the Russian Blue feline tested this theory Wednesday, prompting only a bitter response from the bipedal creature also known as “daddy”. Read the full story

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Posted in Society, Strange PeopleComments (2)

PETA Slams Huge Rise in “Goldfish Mills”


Natalie Klad, PETA Spokesman of the Greater Cincinnati area, says irresponsible and/or incompetent goldfish owners are contributing to the rise of unwanted goldfish overcrowding animal shelters across the country.

“I believe we all know what happens when you allow unprotected goldfish to have unregulated sex like a drunken Kardashian- lots of little baby goldfish.

And these unwanted goldfish are almost bound to end up being dumped at the local animal shelter or flushed like a deuce, another runner in the night.” Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (1)

Yes, Chinese People Really Do Eat Dogs and Cats


I have got to stop eating out at these back alley streets here in China. It’s summer; and it’s hot: and all the foods here in China are rotten!

Did you know that Chinese people eat dogs too? Yeah, they put them in a stew. And it’s delicious!
They eat cats too. But there is just not enough meat on the cats.

Dog meats are mostly lean, as compared to pork. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (19)

Pelosi Debunks “Free Healthcare for Pets” by Affirming It


Botox Village, CA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Speaking to a group of her firmest supporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Democrats will introduce sweeping legislation guaranteeing free health care for all pets. While this was once viewed as a “wedge myth,” it seems the soon-to-be-ousted Speaker of the House has no qualms about settling the score once and for all. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, PoliticsComments (0)

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