“Does this Stress Make Me Look Fat?” (Chapter Four: Wild Life)

More from Anthony Rhody’s book serial: “Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?”

It’s a fact.

My most recent dog loved cantaloupe and honeydew.

He was a “melancholy.”

I wonder what percentage of German shepherds are antisemitic.

I wonder if, in China, they eat chocolate labs as (a) dessert.

They probably taste like chocolate mousse.

I had a cat once.

I called him ATM because he would fuck anything that moved.

He was bi-curious. Which killed him.

I also had a canary once but it died in a coal mine.

It was the first to go.

That was my last pet.

No more pets for me, I tell you.

I don’t even have pet peeves anymore.

I had a few but had to have them put to sleep.

They kept peeing all over the carpet.

Word to the wise:

While they sound adorable, Cuttlefish do not actually make very good pets.

And pool sharks used to keep me from going swimming but I now believe they are extremely rare.

And pool sharks used to keep me from going swimming but I now believe they are extremely rare.

Sharks seem really insensitive to me as a whole.

Is it true that after a hammerhead shark kills someone he yells to his buddy, “Nailed it!”?

They say elephants never forget but I don’t recall no elephant ever giving me a birthday card or wishing me a Happy Birthday.

And don’t get me started on reptiles: I have never liked them; especially lizards.

I’ve had a problem with them from the gecko.

I have never had much appetite for killing animals. I will kill an insect when I have to – like a spider invading my space, my bedroom. But then I feel bad.

That’s because I know one of their next-of-kin is going to show up looking for them.

I seriously believe this.

As for the bees they may or may not survive but one thing’s for sure: we will always have wasps.

Just look at the Republican party.

For some reason I like woodland animals.

Except beavers.

I’m allergic to them.

Meanwhile we all have our bears to cross.

This has been Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom!

See you next week!

Author: Anthony Rhody

My name is Anthony Rhody. I was born in a small midwestern town when I was very young. I am a recovering Catholic and lapsed homosexual. Henceforth I spend a lot less time on my knees. I was a film major at Columbia in Chicago after my career in high school ended in scandal and must-deserved notoriety, plus a diploma. After two years of life in a seventeen-story dorm I was told I should go to the west coast (true story). Since then I have been a screenwriter primarily and a playwright on rare occasion. When I realized a couple years ago I had too many notes on humor and funny schtick to ever use in screenplays I decided to try to see how many of them I could throw together as a book of humor. "Does This Stress Make Me Look Fat?" is that book, not a medical journal on over-eating. I don't have any children and as far as I know, no sexual partners. I have lived in San Francisco since before there was a homeless problem - sorry, before so many folks were home free.

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