Tag Archive | "California"

Dangerous Animals And Situations In The Grand Canyon And How To Deal With Them.


When traveling, safety is of the utmost importance.

Each year over six million people are gored to death in the Grand Canyon by cactii alone.

Don’t be a statistic. Be smart… I mean, you’ll still be a statistic, technically, but the better kind.

What to do in the Grand Canyon if:

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California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any


Isla Vista, CA – A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get “retribution”, as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on one creature in particular: The Blonde Slut.

The Blonde Slut roams free in California and, at this time, is not on the endangered species list in that state. The latest census numbers put the population of the species in the millions. Read the full story

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To Avoid Drought Disaster, California Governor Asks Residents to Pee Outside


In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area.

“These are desperate times”, Brown reminded reporters. “We need to conserve water any way we can!”

Brown claims that if all 38 million residents of California follow his proposal this would save the state 832,200,000,000 gallons of fresh water a year, assuming for 3 gallon per flush and 6 pisses per day per person.

Browns other water saving proposals include:

Showering no more than once a week. And two or more people showering at a time. Assuming 20 gallons of fresh water per shower this would save the state at least 277,400,000,000 gallons per year.

Don’t wash your car. This would result in an additional savings of over 24,000,000,000 gallons per year.

In addition to the above proposals Brown urges residents to drink only bottled water that has been bottled in water rich areas such as Maine or North Dakota. This would save the state an additional 13,870,000,000 gallons per year.

Agricultural use of water to be reduced by 2/3 resulting in a yearly savings of nearly 1 trillion gallons per year.

“These would be temporary measures until the drought is over”, the governor continued. “Please don’t make me send out the National Guard to make these things mandatory!”

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“We Can’t Allow the People to Steal This Election!”


The right of money to decide elections is being tested in Richmond, California (pop. 105,000), a suburb of San Francisco and Oakland. In a clear rebuke to American-style democracy, millions of dollars from huge corporations may prove inadequate to win the election for the corporate candidates.

RIGHT: Plucky megacorporations Chevron and American Beverage Association take on powerful grassroots activists Marilyn Langlois and Eduardo Martinez in Richmond, California. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Leveraged Buyout of California


ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney flipped burgers on a grill at a fundraising luncheon for his campaign in Laguna Beach today, priced at fifty thousand dollars per French fry with burger prices going to the highest bidder over one hundred thousand, cheese another twenty-five G’s.

After he missed the grill the third time – the burgers splatting on concrete immediately showed up on You Tube – he gave the spatula over to one of his traveling chefs and took a moment to lay out his bold plan to remedy California’s ailing economy and state debt. Read the full story

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California Bans Bacon!


The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves. Read the full story

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California Voters Call for Retroactive Impeachment of Schwarzenegger


Millions of California voters are jumping on the bandwagon calling for the impeachment of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in order to cut off his government pension they say is helping fund his multiple households.

Mildred Commoner is a 36-year old paralegal living and working in San Diego. She and her husband, Paul set up a hotline immediately after the news broke asking Californians to stand behind a bill that would be the first of its kind to impeach a former governor for offenses committed before and during his tenure. Read the full story

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Medical Marijuana Cafes Designated Smoke-Free Zones in California


For a few years now, medical marijuana cafes have been springing up in states like California, Colorado and Oregon to give users of medical marijuana safe havens to self-medicate themselves for various ailments. The cafes have jumped many hurdles to get to this point, but now, the largest hurdle of all looms ahead—smoke-free zone designations. Read the full story

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Despite Strong Support, Prop 19 Fails Due to Inaction, Dude


LOS ANGELES, CA – GlossyNews.com – Supporters of Proposition 19, which would have legalized, taxed and regulated the sale and use of marijuana in California, promised more action in future elections after suffering a defeat on either Tuesday or Wednesday night. Some time last week for sure.

“The main issue here was voter turnout,” said Martin Cobbler, a marijuana advocacy organizer. “Our message was strong, our support was vast, but in the end not enough people came out for the cause.” Read the full story

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San Francisco Announces 100% Homosexuality Milestone


SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (GlossyNews) — The San Francisco City Council held a prime time press conference yesterday evening to announce some groundbreaking news for the inhabitants of the City by the Bay: “Our citizens now self-identify as 100 percent gay.”

The last registered heterosexual in the city moved out on October 30th, helping the coastal region of Northern California achieve its long-awaited milestone of developing the first major metropolitan area in the country with a completely gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender population. Read the full story

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Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”


ATHERTON, Calif. (GlossyNews) — Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate elsewhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

But what if she loses? Unlike Web sites that barter discarded baubles and quaint refuse to the highest bidder, elections gamble with higher stakes and less assured odds. Whitman’s campaign workers admitted that their candidate has slowly come to the realization that winning political office is less like outbidding shut-ins during an electronic auction and more like hitting the payout on a slot machine in an Indian gaming casino. As a result, Whitman was recently found huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts, threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was. Read the full story

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Mel Gibson Writes Toilet Paper Check to Grigorieva for Child Support


Mel Gibson, recently ordered to start paying the mother of his child an additional $15,000 a month in child support, decided to take the opportunity to show Grigorieva just how much he disliked the idea and penned a check on his personal checking account, himself, for $15,000 on a roll of toilet paper.

“Yea, we all know how much toilet paper costs these days and how rare it’s becoming in California,” said Gibson. “I figured she’s gonna need all the help she can get seeing as what I pay her doesn’t seem to be be enough to wipe her own bottom.” Read the full story

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Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr (Barely)


TURLOCK, Calif. (GlossyNews) — In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over–that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Caught in Cat Fight Over California Senate Seat


Hall of Facebook – Palin’s Facebook page took over 2000 angry hits after a post she wrote stated that she strongly endorsed Carly Fiorina to challenge Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat in November.

The Facebook entry started out “Carly, Carly, she’s our (Wo)man, if she can’t do it, no one can,” and then went on to describe how Fiorina is uncannily almost exactly like Palin, except for the fact that she has an MBA from the Robert H. Smith School of Business, as well as a Master of Science degree from MIT. Palin, however, was quick to point out that just like herself, Fiorina did drop out of one university, the UCLA School of Law. Read the full story

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GOP Brings Out the Gimp in BSDM Club


Hollywoodland, CA (GlossyNews) — On its website, California’s Voyeur Club bills itself “an elegant, discrete setting where fetishists visually enjoy a full immersion in all aspects of the lifestyle.” That was the good old days, before last week. Unwanted publicity came recently with news the GOP had reimbursed an operative for $2,000 of ‘lifestyle immersion.’ The scandal slaps a Republican Party already on its knees after passage of the healthcare legislation. Read the full story

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California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust


Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Read the full story

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