Tag Archive | "National Security"

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes


Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
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American secret agents exposed by phone app?


A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Read the full story

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UN Demands That United States Drop ‘United’ From Their Name


The UN Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation.

Chief UN Spokesman Igo Monkeyfat has declared “The name ‘United States of America’ is no longer an accurate or true description of the country.

For a decade now the infighting in America has so torn apart the country that it barely functions as a regulating body. We at the UN now state that this name must be dropped in favor of one that more adequately describes the nation known as ‘America’.” Read the full story

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Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars


Jihad organizers, coordinators and enthusiasts met this week in San Antonio, Texas, to advance their myriad causes. A panel discussion entitled “Sub-Suicide Bombings” brought up an interesting possibility; autonomous cars.

Speaking from room 410 at the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center, Achmed Mumuhammed said, in response to a question about technology, “Once self-driving cars are on the streets, that will take over for suicide bombings.” Read the full story

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Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession


Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time.

We Latinos are a more pragmatic people than you’d think, and Mr. Obama’s new proposal does have its merits, if it seemed deliverable. Read the full story

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Palin Reports Russian Peeping Toms


Wasilla, Ak (GlossyNews) — Sarah Palin, potential candidate for the Presidency in 2012, has put in a complaint with the Alaskan State Troopers complaining of Russians peeping in her windows at night. As she once claimed that she “could see Russia from her window”; apparently they can see her as well. Perhaps more of her than she would care for.

“Ah, this here’s ‘Peeping Ivan’s’ lookin’ in mah windows at night!” Read the full story

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