Tag Archive | "founding fathers"

Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators


Everybody seems to be blaming the current do-nothing state of Congress on the fractious squabbling between different ideological factions, particularly those of the Republican persuasion.

But maybe it’s not ideology at all; maybe it’s just that we have too many grumpy old men in the Senate.

It would probably require a Constitutional amendment but I think it’s time we placed an age limit on membership in the U. S. Senate. Read the full story

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America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time


WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a second time, adding: “buck up.” Read the full story

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American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment


Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain.

This new evidence is pointing historians not to a war motivated by ideology and autonomy but to a grandly orchestrated pretext for wider gun usage. Read the full story

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Youngster Shocked Sam Adams More than Just “Dead Beer Guy”


BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have been proud.

“The last thing I thought I was going to get that night was a history lesson, if you know what I mean,” Richard revealed. “But leave it to Joe…he’s full of sh– like that. Anyways, there we were, sipping our favorite brewski and I says to Joe, ‘Eh Joe, who was Sam Adams anyways?’ Read the full story

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Founding Fathers Protest Holmes-Cruise Divorce


This news site previously reported that the recent rising from the grave by America’s Founding Fathers was in direct protest of the Supreme Court ruling that declared the Affordable Care Act constitutional.

As stated by Founding Father and second President of the United States John Adams, we could not be more wrong. Read the full story

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Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering


Springfield, Mo (GlossyNews) -– The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall retching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her. Read the full story

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Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot


Wilmington, De Patriot Time Travel — 1782 – On a recent time travel expedition to the late 1700’s, Sarah Palin found herself in bed with Jacob Broom, another B-level politician some consider a Founding Father and a man “who knows one when he sees one.” According to a report from an ear-witness known only as “Mary,” a conversation overheard coming from behind a certain ramshackle wall went something like this:

“How was that?”

“Mmmm baby girl, you know what I like” Read the full story

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Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court.

Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court, choosing a Jewish woman to preside over the legacy of the white, Deist, Founding Fathers. Read the full story

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Tea Bagger Shocked That He Helped Create Today’s America


Memphis, TN (GlossyNews) — A raging tea partier activist was shocked to realize the America he is so angry about — was actually created by his generation. “It was quite the epiphany, let me tell you,” said 56 year old Johnny Wiggins, looking over a noisy crowd of protestors at a recent Tea Party protest outside of Nashville. “All these people are so angry-but their generation was in control all this time. I just think everybody’s pissed off because things didn’t work out Read the full story

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Supreme Court Rules Constitution Unconstitutional


Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that the Constitution is, in fact, unconstitutional. The unanimous ruling came down after several justices haddared one another to read the document. Read the full story

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