Tag Archive | "government"

President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers


Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody bought it, of course, but he still said it.

What the President meant to say was that if any of those responsible for denying care to veterans worked in the private sector, they would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Americans Debate whether they Get Stuff Done


Dateline: WASHINGTON—Politicians rallied on Get Stuff Done Day, to reassure the American people that their government is in working order. Many boasted of their accomplishments while in office, describing in great detail the stuff in question.
Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?


Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)

Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?

(RIGHT: CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.

Janey: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.

Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.

Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.

Janey: Next time call me when you need help.

Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.

Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.

Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.

Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?

Janey: I quit smoking.

Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.

Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.

Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?

Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!

Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?

Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.

Dick: Very funny!

Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.

Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.

Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.

Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?

Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.

Dick: I can identify with that.

Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.

Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.

Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.

Nanny: Him?

Janey: Sure!

Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.

Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.

Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.

Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.

Dick: That’s a load off my mind.

Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.

Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?

Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.

Share

Posted in Health, SocietyComments (0)

Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC


DATELINE: Waco, TX — Many followed the tragic case of Marlise Munoz for the last 6 weeks with anxiety, anguish and great compassion.

This was an ethical dilemma wherein, under the protection of Texas law, an unborn fetus remained in gestation within the womb of a reportedly brain dead women in a Texas ICU; despite the mother’s and family’s (reportedly) contrary wishes.

The world responded with embroiled arguments and a fervent outpouring of concern from multifarious viewpoints. With great relief for Marlise’s family, she and her baby were allowed to succumb this past Sunday evening.

However, this is not a forgone issue as the dismay of many a concerned citizen remains intact, as do existing laws that buoy their bizarre concern. However, today we share the story of a brilliant young doctor from Waco, Dr. Donald Do-It Houser, who has truly risen to the occasion and shone a new ray of hope on this otherwise heart breaking story.

Dr. Houser is the brain child of “Rely on Your Assets Lifestyle Salon” or ROYALS for short, wherein he has sought to unburden the lives of women such as the heartbreakingly overextended housewives of Orange County, through simplifying the miracle of life.

These women that are typically already overwhelmed with the pangs of their demanding lifestyle have limited time for the gruesome burden of carrying a child, not to mention the emotional scarring, pain and mutilation this act can levy on a woman’s body.

In a stroke of brilliance, Dr. Houser has secured consent from the families of over 100 local comatose women of child bearing age in the great state of Texas, to act as surrogate mothers for this niche demographic.

Using state of the art in-vitro fertilization and embryo transfer with luteal support, Dr. Houser has demonstrated an almost unheard of 17% success rate of full term delivery and a 100% success rate of an effortless pregnancy.

Many critics call his service outlandish and, as with baby Munoz, have questioned the viability of a fetus in a compromised physiological environment.

But Dr. Houser is not swayed “sure that’s a valid question, but I ask instead does a government agency have the right spare an individual the right of freedom of choice? Yes! Do we know what life is well enough to just take it away when it wants to go? No! So, my point is I just give people what I think they think they want, and it’s legal.”

Dr. Houser knows he has stirred added controversy to an already hot topic, but he remains dedicated and confident “this idea of mine is brilliant and my only concern is what will I think of next.” He has had millions of hits on his posh and tech heavy website (www.neveradullmomentamongreligiousconservatives.com) and a new app wherein donor moms can monitor their surrogate’s tube feedings, diaper changes, sponge baths and urine output.

He is also working on an interactive component to the app where, with the press of a button, a donor may order an instant bedside turning to prevent pressure sores or adjust respirator settings to include popular ringtones (the latter of which is still pending approval of an institutional review board).

“My goal is for the real mother to have as much control as possible, so that she can be an integral part of the baby’s life while in utero.” He also added that he has opened a collaboration with the largest national nanny provider so that each child will have a duo of attendees assigned post-delivery, “this I hope will limit the secondary trauma that we all fear, the experience of child rearing.”

A 1000 slot waiting to be a ROYAL list filled within 40 seconds after it was announced on Twitter on midweek at 730PM PST. When queried about any design to this specific launch time Dr. Houser was quoted to say “this is a tragic part of the day, a time when many of my target audience sits in the uncomfortable silence between dinner and the start of prime time television, and I wanted them to have hope.”

In closing, Dr. Houser indicated that he is committed to the needs of what he feels is a misunderstood and evolving demographic, “my mentor (Mike Judge, actor and author of Idiocracy) understood where I am going with this endeavor, these people are our future.”

Harsh criticism continues as does an outpouring of support, thus it remains clear that, for now, Dr. Houser and people like him are here to stay. We will continue to follow this compelling story and provide new bulletins on the civil litigation and criminal charges already levied on Dr. Houser and ROYALS as they emerge, please stay tuned.

Share

Posted in Biz News, HealthComments (0)

Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses


WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (0)

American Cities Allowing Pigeon Shoots for Poorest Families this Thanksgiving


Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone so to speak.

They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of pigeons soiling the cities’ sidewalks and advising them to cook the birds in place of turkeys this year for Thanksgiving. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Human InterestComments (0)

Dark Day for Homophobes on Facebook


MISSISSIPPI— Paula McClure (48) a housewife and occasional churchgoer, was watching television. Not Netflix on a television, but honest to God TV with commercials and all.

Today Paula has disconnected from the internet entirely because the Supreme Court ruled that section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional and that the California’s Prop 8 had no legal standing to be reviewed before the Supreme Court. Her world is inside out. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Human InterestComments Off on Dark Day for Homophobes on Facebook

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act


With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Education, PoliticsComments (1)

California Implements “Purina Food Stamp” Program


Sinking Ship, CA – In a progressive move, the California Senate approved a law to provide for California Purina Stamps for pets. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2013.

Pet owners whose pets no longer possess the instinct for hunting and gathering will be provided for in a program similar to standard food stamp programs.

“This is a great day for California’s pets” Senator Alex Padilla, said enthusiastically. “It’s time for the 1% of the pets who chase vermin away from crops or who herd and/or protect farm animals from predators to start to look out for the other 99% of the pets who can no longer do those things. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment


Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator.

The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows:

Dear Senator Manchin,

I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you name suggests. Have a nice day.

-BDF

The actual comment can be found here on Facebook. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Alexander,
I just wanted to agree with you that heading toward a fiscal cliff is absolutely terrifying. Unless, of course, you have a fiscal hang glider. Then it would be pretty fiscally radical. Have a nice day.
-BDF”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405187662880509/.

The Extreme Sports League of America’s spokeswoman, Laurie Greatstone, has come out in protest against the remark.

“Fiscal hang gliding is a stupendously dangerous,” announced Ms. Greatstone at a recent press conference called in response to the post, “Dozens of amateurs died during last year’s fiscal cliff debacle. Encouraging others to take part in a sport that takes decades to master by calling it “pretty fiscally radical” is not only stupid, but also criminally irresponsible.”

Asked about the comment, Senator Alexander had this to say:

You damned kids with your newfangled roller blades, and walkmans, and fiscal hang gliders! Get the hell off my porch! (We were standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda at the time of that quote)

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. If you have any information that could lead to his capture, please inform the Internet Police immediately.

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

UK Coalition Sharing Like Sisters


Desperate to quash rumours of further cracks in the UK government the first coalition in 65 years has released a statement ensuring the continuing cooperation of the two parties.

The statement from Number 10 Downing Street, issued this morning, says that the two parties are in fact so close that prime minister, David Cameron (Conservatives) and deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats) share and swap clothes. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

The Take Back America Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit


Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget? Read the full story

Share

Posted in SocietyComments (5)

Insane Debt Levels suddenly Uncool


Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America changed its mind in 1946. Cigarettes were once the epitome of cool, but now smokers are pariahs huddled outside office buildings as if waiting for the next train to Auschwitz. And of course, there’s Adam Lambert. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (17)

Tax Refunds Revealed as Giant Ponzi Scheme


Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades.

According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques as other financial frauds, but on a much larger scale.

“On one level, this monumental scheme simply gives people back some of the money it already collected from them,” said one investigator. “But the parent organization’s finances are so shaky it has to resort to heavy borrowing and even print its own money just to do that.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in CrimeComments (0)

When Free Cheese Isn’t Socialism


By the fireplace — I have a friend who is an unusual case in point for our present national attitudes. Let us call him ‘Sam’. If I used his real name, and he found out, he would be hurt and angry. Even though it is the truth.

Especially because it is the truth.

Sam is a real flesh and blood person. A VERY real flesh and blood person Read the full story

Share

Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (1)

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Check This Out!

ca-dress.com shop dresses online

Recommended Sportsbook MyBookie.ag

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial