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Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list.

Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also produced “Ted Cruz to the Future,” a “comic activity book for all ages” featuring Sarah’s rival, a Lone Star currently rising in the Tea Party.

Surprisingly, the junior Republican Senator’s coloring book was a Texas-sized hit for the company, and became Amazon’s number one seller at the time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone19 Comments

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Whew! That was that a close call. There was a point earlier this week when I thought I might never see my kids again. Worse yet, I feared that my final blog post might be last week’s lame rant about Sarah Palin.

How humiliating. I live in Seattle, and for the past ten days, the entire city has been hunkered down in the grips of an arctic blast so bone-chillingly cold that most of us wondered if we’d ever again be able to venture outdoors in December in flip flops and shorts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest0 Comments

Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality.

But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate their condition by joining the Crazy Uncles Society.

Morris Pencilpusher, a sociologist at NYU who studies the syndrome, says that most boys in modern societies grow up to be relatively well-adjusted and successful, according to that Index which defines normality in terms of a range of politically correct criteria. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the majority of people in modern economies, according to many experts.

However, no judge or jury has convicted the bankers of any crime, because no one other than the bankers understands exactly how they’re doing what they’re doing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism3 Comments

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him, “not quite adequate” to join StrangleCorp in any capacity.

“Frankly, I thought he was an arrogant little prick without any tangible skills to speak of. Here he was telling me he was a computer wizard and he couldn’t even program around the wrist restraints. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, World News1 Comment

Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church

Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church

The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity.

In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he continued his recent trend of demonstrating a moderately sane perception of the states of society and religion in general and Christianity in particular by announcing that henceforth there shall be no Christianity whatsoever, as the act of worshipping had become so perverted throughout history as to warrant the abolition of such behaviors altogether. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion

Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion

After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto.

“Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will have dominance over humanity and could decide the fate of the entire planet!”

Otto reminded readers that with $200 billion a person could control the stock market, find cures for disease, help to eliminate hunger in the world or create permanent housing for all the homeless people in the country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Nativity Scene Vandalized: Baby Jesus Replaced w/ Budweiser

Nativity Scene Vandalized: Baby Jesus Replaced w/ Budweiser

When Dan Fairbanks, pastor at the Village Seventh Day Adventurer Church, checked his congregation’s nativity scene Christmas Eve morning, what he found was the most disturbing image of his life.

In the manger belonging to Baby Jesus, instead of Jesus, he found a six pack of Budweiser, three of them emptied.

“Not only had the thieving bastards stolen poor Baby Jesus, but they left beverages of the devil behind in His place,” said Fairbanks soon after the incident. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Old Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops have been becoming wet-shops due to the the melting of the sea ice of the arctic.

“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone.

“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Religionism0 Comments

Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On

Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On

Keller, TX – Mockery of the justice system spread across the country today as a Texas judge sentenced Ethan Couch to 10 years probation for the murder of 4 people while driving drunk in June 2013.

Ethan, 16 at the time of the accident, had a blood alcohol level of .24 which is not only 3 times the legal limit but Ethan is also a minor.

He collided into a good Samaritan who was assisting a stranded motorist killing them on impact. Defense argued that Ethan Couch suffered from “Affluenza,” a product of a lifestyle in which money bought privilege and that there was no “rational link between actions and consequences.” Newton’s third law of motion begs to differ. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society1 Comment

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.

Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.

“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Science & Technologizzy5 Comments

Holidays Aside – It’s Time For Blonde Suicide Bomber Jokes

Holidays Aside – It’s Time For Blonde Suicide Bomber Jokes

Forget the overly cheery Christmas carols, the endless gift shopping and the eye strainingly gaudy seasonal decorations. Cheery days aside, the world is falling apart.

In that spirit, it is time for some truly low-brow, rude, raunchy and definitely non-Christmasy jokes.

Anyway, here goes: Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health2 Comments

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Health6 Comments

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism, World News6 Comments

Where Have All the Santas Gone? (Comic)

Where Have All the Santas Gone? (Comic)

You remember all those wonderful Santas you met as a child. They were kind, courteous, gracious, patient and loving. But, at least according to this cartoon, they all have on big thing in common.

Click on the image to see it full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Posted in Comics, Religionism1 Comment

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