Dear Hank,

I recently received this email and thought I would ask your advice about how to respond. You see I am currently unemployed and this job offer would be such a big help for me to put food on my family table.

Subject: ATTENTION: COUNSELLOR

Attention: Counselor, Continue Reading

It is reported that a man in Germany did more than borrow a cup of sugar when he asked his neighbor to impregnate his wife for $2,500.

Demetrius Soupolos was sterile and unable to have children with his former beauty-queen wife, Truate. He offered to pay his neighbor, Frank Maus, who looked like him and had a couple kids as proof that his boys could swim, $2,500 to knock up his wife. However, after 72 sexual encounters over a six-month period, Maus failed to put a baby into Truate’s belly. Continue Reading

A major study conducted at the London Institute for Prostate Cancer has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free.

This conclusion was reached after researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than 300,000 men. Continue Reading

According to a newly published report in the New England Journal of Medicine, men who drink more than 2-4 servings of alcohol per day—one serving equals 4 oz. wine, 12 oz. beer or ale, or 1 oz. gin, rum or other liquor–and then imbibe heavily on New Year’s Eve can expect at least one of their testicles to drop 1/32nd of an inch or roughly 0.079375 cm. each year.

In 2005, Dr. Hans Crotis, chief internist at the Hampton VA Medical Center in Hampton, VA, received a $2.4 million dollar government grant to study the effects that various drinking patterns have on a man’s reproductive organs. Continue Reading

The Green Zone, that huge, walled off section of Baghdad occupied by US military and civilian operations, has been renamed ‘The Emerald City’ after the fabled city in the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

The Green Zone functions like a first world country having 24 hour electricity, water, sewage treatment and Continue Reading

The year 2009 saw a plethora of bad daddy behavior around the country and we, at Glossy News, thought we’d take the low road and list some of our favorites. Although we are using a numbering system to count the dads down, in our book, they all deserve to receive the #1 worst father of the year award.

10. On April 2, 2009 at approximately 3 a.m., Robert Daniel Webb had a hankering for a hot cup of coffee, got his little 9-year-old daughter, Meadow, out of bed, and drove the two of them down to the local AM/PM Mini Mart Continue Reading

The long lasting recession has caused in many a belief that money no longer has any value.

“What good is it to waste my whole day getting ready for work, going to work, working, going home from work, then spending the rest of my night recovering from work? I might just as well live in a refrigerator box and have my time free.” stated Eli Zacomin, laborer.

Many seem to agree with this idea. Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

I’m seven months old (that’s from conception) and due in late January.
Recently, I heard my parents talking about what they were going to name me:
Siegfried.

Hank, I can’t go through life with that moniker. Recently I built a tiny
notebook in here with natural materials (the motherboard was easy) and tapped
into their signal.

I made contact with a little girl down the street who’s due about the same time
I am and whose mother is a lawyer. The little girl advises me that I have
rights concerning my naming and I should exercise them before it’s too late. Continue Reading

American drivers nationwide gave a collective cuss of relief when the US Department of Transportation announced its approval for a building project that would add designated asshole lanes to all the nation’s freeways by 2010. Continue Reading

Point Barrow, AK (GlossyNews) — Residents of the Arctic town of Sealgut Alaska have resorted to extreme means to get their heating fuel supplies for this winter. Faced by two months of near total darkness and bone-chilling cold with little economic resources to carry them through, the villagers have resorted to ‘being bad’ in the hopes that Santa will give them coal in their stockings this winter that they can use for fuel. Much to the local State Troopers chagrin, Continue Reading

Washington DC —EBBQ Today the offices of John Boehner (Bay-ner) (R–OH) revealed that Senator Boehner and former Senator Bobdole (R–KS ret.) have maintained a secret same-sex marriage for the past 13 years.

“In fact,” a Bobdole spokesperson said, “Bobdole did legally adopt Sen. Boehner at that time, as there was no state where they could legally be married. In fact they are father and son. This is a relationship that is quite familiar in the gay circles. There are whole internets set up to facilitate this type of relationship,” the spokesperson said. “It works quite well for them.” Continue Reading

Ozark, Alabama – Jeff Stills was a successful crop farmer from the lower state of Alabama that was raised on a farm he would soon call his own.  Unfortunately on the night of April 6th 1984 he flipped his General Lee replica(per his initial description). After further questioning he revealed it was in fact a ’78 Gremlin given to him by his aunt with a crudely painted “homage” to the General Lee at best.  He then entered a coma deeper than any Dukes of Hazard plot. Continue Reading

It’s that time of year again when every conceivable list known to man is counted down before the big ball drops and ushers in a new year of question making. We combed the internet for the most common questions asked of the medical community, and here is our unofficial and indefinitive list of the top ten medical questions asked and answered in 2009. Continue Reading

This month I would like to share with you my observations about brown nosing in the office. By brown nosing, I mean ass kissing. The reason that I state that these are my observations is to be clear that this is not my behavior, but rather the behavior of my coworkers as observed here at the hospital in New Jersey. For some good definitions of brown nosing, see this link at Urban Dictionary.com. Continue Reading

Dear Hank,

My wife recently found out that I’ve been seeing some other women and now it seems like I’m in all kinds of trouble. She knew when we met that I was a swinger but now she’s pretending like she thought she was the only one I allowed to touch my balls. And the women I was (and secretly am still) allegedly playing around with on the side found out about each other, and now my job is in trouble. I make a lot of money in advertising, you know in marketing products and the like, but now my wife wants to divorce me and take my kids. Continue Reading

Philadelphia, PA – Recently the Associated Press disclosed that the Environmental Protection Agency plans on collecting 1 million pills during an Earth Day initiative aimed at the people who live around the Great Lakes. They also stated that there is a presence of antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the drinking water of at least 24 major metropolitan areas. Continue Reading