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Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest5 Comments

Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics

Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics

It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave.

“He says he’s sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he was President today, he would never have let his wealthy friends convince him of such a stupid policy in the first place,” says Lucy Landers, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People16 Comments

Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy

Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy

Dateline: PITTSBURGH — Lisa Prettysweet, an achingly beautiful 26-year old, stunned her family and friends by showing the slightest interest in philosophy.

Predictably, her reading of philosophy has made her more skeptical, pessimistic, and cynical and her parents are convinced that somewhere along the line, some dark miracle has brought about this ruinous diversion. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People11 Comments

Fullerton Pacifist Joins NRA – Buys Uzi

Fullerton Pacifist Joins NRA – Buys Uzi

Fullerton, Orange County, CA – Fullerton resident and lifelong pacifist Dylan Donovan today announced that he has finally caved in to environmental pressures by joining the NRA and buying an Uzi sub-machine gun. Speaking from his home in downtown Fullerton, Donovan told reporters:

“I’ve always been against violence in any shape or form. I’ve also believed in the rights of any individual – regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender – to live a life unimpeded by violence of any description. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don’t feel safe anymore.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Top Stories3 Comments

Video: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

Video: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

GLOSSYNEWS.COM – In our first-ever video report, we go behind the scenes at America’s 7th or 8th largest hot dog factory. We see what really goes into one of America’s most infamous foods.

What ingredients really go in a tasty tube of, let’s call it beef? Or should we call it meat? Or maybe “meat” with quotation marks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News8 Comments

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Dateline: LOS ANGELES — More and more consumers are aware that magazines hire Photoshop artists to doctor pictures of celebrities, as part of an elaborate ritual designed to appease the celebrities’ agents and to flatter the egocentric actresses so they’ll agree to pose for more photos for those publications. Wrinkles or other skin blemishes are airbrushed out, tummies are flattened, legs lengthened. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Health0 Comments

New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

Delaware based brewery Dogfish Head has released the newest in its Ancient Ale Series to mixed reviews. Dogfish Head first re-created Midas Touch from residue found on 2700 year old pottery fragments discovered in a tomb in Turkey.

And after extensive testing to determine the ingredients, all indications are that this brew is likely what killed the guy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Travel0 Comments

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws as discriminatory. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism10 Comments

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture.

Stunned students and visitors alike sat with mouths agape in awed admiration as he listed various figures and subjects with a dignified distance that most of them could only dream of. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Education0 Comments

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top Stories0 Comments

Just Why, Exactly, Did This Woman Feel the Need For Artificial Insemination?

Just Why, Exactly, Did This Woman Feel the Need For Artificial Insemination?

Yes, this is a picture of the Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, she of the “cheaper by the dozen” fame, having given birth to the near world’s record of eight live and surviving births all at once.

As you can see from the photo, she definitely looks like a fertile breeding ground. She probably would not have had much trouble getting a real insemination from just about any post-puberty male who is not seriously gay or seriously pelvicly damaged. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Health3 Comments

Washingtonian Excited for Perils of Living in a Stoner State

Washingtonian Excited for Perils of Living in a Stoner State

Recently two states legalized the recreational use of marijuana: Colorado and my state, Washington. In full disclosure, even though, like Bill Clinton, I have never personally tried pot, I voted for passage of this law.

And I want to apologize for my decision. I had no idea that legalizing weed would unleash a tidal wave of chaos, undermining the social contract of this once great state.

For years, my parents, my minister and my 7th grade science teacher, Mr. Curtis, warned me about the dangers of marijuana. The critically acclaimed 1936 documentary film Reefer Madness proved conclusively that even a single puff of marijuana could lead to a life of heroin addiction, crime and attempting to French kiss nuns during mass. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society1 Comment

Psychologists Worried About Growth Of ‘Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome’

Psychologists Worried About Growth Of ‘Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome’

Mental authorities are warning of the expansion of a relatively new psychic dysfunction they have named PBFBS- Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome.

It is the description given when the shopping instinct that many have developed in many countries continues to push on a person to buy, buy, buy even when all the stores are closed.

This mass consumerism, rising to the level of a nationwide obsession the last 50 years, has supplanted the normal Christmas spirit of relaxation and giving with one of frenzied must-having and rudeness. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health1 Comment

Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit

Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit

In what is being hailed as the most ironic turn of events of 2013, Haiti has sent the first $15M of a promised $130M to the City of Detroit in hopes of saving the city from going completely belly under.

In September of 2013, it was announced that the beleaguered city could count on $300M in federal and private funds to help the city while it undergoes a Chapter 11 reorganization. A mere drop in the bucket when it comes to the billions it will eventually take to totally bring Detroit back around and running again as one of America’s top Midwest cities. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest4 Comments

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible

A recent quiz written by our own staff has gone live in Beta, and early results are less than promising. It seems nobody knows the real facts of The Bible.

There are questions from the Old Testament, the new Testament, and no other testaments, since there are no other testaments acknowledged, no matter what Muslims of Mormons might say. I can make quizes for you guys too, if you like.

(TAKE THE 12-QUESTION BIBLE QUIZ NOW). Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism12 Comments

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