Prophet of Doom Cheated Out of his Due Respect

Dateline: Year 2032, somewhere in the former United States—After the collapse of Western civilization in 2031, followed by the ruination of the rest of the planet, a self-proclaimed former prophet of doom has been reminding the survivors that he told them so, but they’ve declined to favour him with praise for his foresight, on account of their being too busy clawing for scraps and fending off the cannibals and scavengers who threaten their squalid encampments.
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Beautiful Women Conceal Their Hotness to Attract Nice Guys

Dateline: NEW YORK—A growing number of beautiful single women curse their physical charms, fearing that worthy men aren’t attracted to them so much as intimidated and liable to defecate in their pants before even thinking of approaching them.
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Man Unable to Apply a Lifetime’s Research into Self-Improvement, Dies Wholly Unsuccessful in Life

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—A connoisseur of self-help books has died alone and impoverished after having spent years locked in his apartment, practicing to be a better person.

Albert Dunderhead had an impressive collection of self-help manuals, as attested by the landlord who found Albert’s body. “Albert once showed me his library,” said the landlord, “and he boasted he was learning everything there is to know about techniques for increasing your confidence, winning friends and succeeding in business and romance.

“‘One day,’ Albert told me, ‘I’ll have learned enough to put my knowledge into practice, to apply the lessons in real life. And then nothing will stop me. I’ll finally have a job and a family and a life I can be proud of. Until then, I’ve got to keep hitting the books.’”

Albert’s body was found in front of a mirror, his hand on an open book turned to a passage about mastering your fears by reciting mantras in front of a mirror.

Having no friends or family, living on a small inheritance from his grandmother, Albert ventured out of his apartment only to purchase groceries and to peruse the self-help section of bookstores.

Albert’s neighbours sometimes complained about the noise from his apartment, when Albert practiced his lessons by holding conversations with imaginary employers, coworkers, and romantic prospects.

“The conversations went on for hours on end,” said one neighbour, “but it wasn’t the volume that bothered me so much as the annoying repetition. He tried out every conceivable variation on a job interview, for example, playing both parts himself.

“Or he’d imagine he was trying to pick up a girl at a grocery store, and he’d say, ‘I see you’re interested in avocados.’ ‘Why, yes I am,’ he’d say in response. And then he’d launch into a disquisition about the merits of different recipes for guacamole.

“But that wasn’t the end of it—not by a long shot. He’d carry on the same conversation over and over again, but switching from avocados to bananas, and then to spinach and watermelons and every other fruit or vegetable in turn. It was really, really annoying having to hear that blather through the wall throughout the evening and night.”

Albert received a posthumous award for “Most Ironic Life” from the Irony Association of America.

“Ironically,” said the Association’s founder, “our awards have no cash value, nor do we publicize them. Had Mr. Dunderhead been alive, he wouldn’t have been eligible for the award, since his life would have been ongoing. But even if he would have been eligible, he wouldn’t have known he’d won, because no one would have told him. And even if he found out about us and our awards, he may not have cared, because, as I said, our awards have zero prestige. There’s nothing to them, not even a little statue or anything.

“All we do is whisper about the winner for a while, maybe writing up a certificate and then quickly burning it so as not to spoil the irony of the self-effacing honours.”

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Lonely Single Man Seeks Someone Just to Laugh at his Jokes

Dateline: OMAHA—A lonely Nebraskan man is wistful about the many years he’s spent with no life partner to marvel at his witty remarks.

Douglas Cunningham, aged 53, is single and has lived alone in a small apartment in Omaha for decades. In all that time, he attests to having made countless amusing gibes while watching all manner of TV shows and movies.
Read more Lonely Single Man Seeks Someone Just to Laugh at his Jokes

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Trial By Fire… I Survived 13 Bouts With Cancer

So, I now reside in the small town of McDonough, just a few miles south of Atlanta in Georgia. I am a proud grandfather of four. I live with my grandchildren and five chihuahua rescues who have space to roam and frolic. All perfectly idyllic; well wait, not exactly.

It was 1968, I had just turned six and was not feeling well. A trip to my family physician and a careful examination determined my tonsils were largely swollen. A trip to an ENT, who diagnosed 1) Oropharyngeal Cancer, my first date and surgery with deadly cancer. As early as six years old I learned to pray and trust God’s healing grace.

It was two years later while I was attending second grade and I noticed an unusual growth on my right ear. My classmates were making fun of my ear behind my back in class, so I asked my parents to take me to our doctor. My doctor took a biopsy and it revealed 2) Squamous Cell Carcinoma. At an early age it seemed Cancer was going to be on my radar screen going forward. The top part of my right ear was excised and then surgically reconstructed by surgeon Doctor Lawrence Grennen.

During a routine yearly checkup, my family physician Dr. Wallace noticed an unusual bump on my right arm and did some diagnostics that discovered it was a cancer called 3) Basil Cell Carcinoma. Back to Dr. Grennen to have the Carcinoma removed. It seemed that I just might have a clear path to health as I had been free from cancer’s bonds for a number of years.

Then came the day, I was working at a restaurant during my junior year in high school back in 1980. I felt an excruciating pain in my right side and collapsed. I was taken immediately to General Hospital and had my infected 4) Appendix surgically removed. Post surgery pathology determined my Appendix was indeed malignant. Even with my Christian faith my body was being tested.

That same month my right hand began losing strength and became difficult to use at all. I sought out an orthopedic surgeon and he found I had developed an unusual cancer in my right hand. 5) Chondrosarcoma is a cancer of the connective tissues and surgery is the only option for this debilitating cancer. My right hand has never been the same, but I thank God I can still use it and the cancer is gone.

We fight a disease that terrifies everyone.

We are strong because we endure treatments that can feel worse than the actual malignancies.

We are brave because our lab tests come back with news we don’t want to hear.

The reality of life with cancer is very different from the image we try to portray.

Our fight is simply a willingness to go through treatment because, frankly, the alternative sucks. Strength? We endure pain and sickness for the chance to feel normal down the road. Brave? We build up an emotional tolerance and acceptance of things we can’t change. Faith kicks in to take care of the rest.

The truth is that if someone you love has cancer, they probably won’t be completely open about what they’re going through because they’re trying so hard to be strong.

From the very first diagnosis I was determined that cancer wasn’t going to ruin everything in my life. Doctors assured me that my cancers were all in check and my future prognosis was good, so I chose to believe them, prayed hard and embraced the future. I had just turned eighteen and had just started college. My left shoulder was experiencing tightness and restriction in movement, so went to an orthopedic surgeon for an answer. The answer I received from the magnetic resonance image scan was rather terrifying news.

I had 6) Shoulder Cancer in my left shoulder joint, my sixth cancer encounter. I would need major orthopedic and joint reconstruction surgeries to remove the cancer. The five hour, intense surgery was successful as the cancer was removedl however a complete left shoulder joint reconstruction was required. The recovery time and physical therapy required was simply grueling. My faith and physical determination propelled me to overcome another setback.

Why was I being “tested” with these deadly cancers time after time? This question was at the forefront of my mind as I contemplated what lay ahead of me. I made a decision there and then that I was going to deal with these issues with the only weapons I had, prayer, patience and perseverance.

I had just started business college and began having tremendous pain in my left leg bone. My doctor ordered a bone scan to see what was going on. During the scan I noticed a bright light in my leg. I asked the technician what that light on my leg bone was, all he told me was “It’s not good”. My surgeon confirmed that news telling me I had a malignant bone tumor in my leg that had to be removed, and I may lose my left leg.

The tumor in my leg was an 7) Osteosarcoma Malignant bone tumor. The surgeons were forced to saw my leg bone in half to remove this tumor. The surgery took five hours to complete, and we did not know how the bone graft would heal. Well, the recovery, physical therapy and healing took an entire year out of my young life. I had never prayed so hard in my life to God, not to have my leg amputated at the left knee. God is good and I kept my leg as the graphs were successful… Praise God!

I was able to finish college and focus on the future; after all, what more could cancer do to me after all that? I wouldn’t have to wait too long to have that question answered. I was 28 and in the prime of my life, so to speak. I had a couple dark moles on my back looked at by a dermatologist at the insistence of my girlfriend. The doctor told me they looked harmless, but he sent the tissue samples to Mayo Clinic just to be certain.

I hadn’t heard anything back for 3 weeks, so I figured everything was fine. Then I got the call, the doctor needed to see me that day. He did not beat around the bush! “You have two 8) 9) Malignant Melanomas Stage 4.” You could have pushed me over with a feather after he told me. Dr. Grennen told me the only option was “wide excision surgery” meaning he would take a big scoop of tissue out of my back to get all the cancer.

So, I had two wide excision surgeries within a 3 month timetable. Large grafts of skin were taken from my buttocks to transplant over my gaping wounds. The pain associated with these two wide excision cancer surgeries and the skin grafts is indescribable and extraordinary. Prayers and lots of tears were the order of the day as a long, tumultuous recovery ensued over months of time. I survived stage 4 Malignant Melanoma not once, but twice! Talk about being delivered by the blood of Jesus! Amen!

I’m asked time and again is how I’ve managed to remain the glass-half-full type of guy and I’ve always been a Christian. Prayer indeed heals! I had amazing support from all my doctors and clinicians. Honestly, I really thought my personal war with cancer was over. It had been years since those horrible Melanomas and I had been seeing my oncologist Dr. Saphai for yearly screenings.

I relocated from Michigan to Phoenix, Arizona in 2008 for a new job. I was having chest pain and my cardiologist found two arteries almost 100% blocked, I was having a heart attack! I was rushed into surgery to open my arteries with stents. After the surgery I began suffering unbearable pain in my right side and back. I was rolled into the CT lab and a resulting scan showed a large 10) Renal Cell Carcinoma tumor in the center of my right kidney. The prognosis was not good at all. My surgical team and oncologist told me to get my final affairs in order. So I did.

The surgery took over 8 hours to perform due to several complications including blood loss and high blood pressure. This surgery I wouldn’t wish upon anyone on this earth. I was in so much pain and discomfort afterward, all I could do was simply pray for God’s grace and healing. I was in the intensive care unit for two solid weeks fighting for my life. I made it through and somehow fought off the infection. God is good.

Because of my faith, I’ve never once felt I had nobody to turn to. It’s crazy to say that I am accustomed to cancer by now, but that’s the honest truth. My daughter wasn’t feeling quite as brave as I was at that point. Survival instinct and faith simply kicks in to keep me focused, but a cancer diagnosis will still put a person in shock without a doubt.

As I slowly walked down the hospital corridor I noticed an elderly couple, their faces drenched in tears. ‘We’re sorry,’ the lady said. ‘We overheard your conversation with your medical team. We hope you’ll be OK.’ I apologized for upsetting them and told them I fully intended to get better. I had battled cancer, lost weight and felt pretty rough at times. I had my share of infections and all the other delights oncology patients are privy to. But I emerged feeling victorious. At that point, I honestly felt I’d done my time with the whole cancer thing.

The truth is, I’d already known about my cancer risk, because my dad had died from cancer, my mother had died from it also. But I thought at 54 I’d dealt with it. The truth is just 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with 3 Malignant Melanomas, I just yesterday had excision surgery to remove the cancer. I was pragmatic about the surgery. I honestly thought I’d be safe from cancer now. Sadly, I wasn’t. I knew the surgeons had found pre-cancer cells in the tissue of my back, but I’d been mistakenly assured that no further treatment was required. In fact, my cancer diagnosis came less than a year after that preventative surgery. Melanoma can spread and that’s exactly what had happened.

For me, the worst aspect is the ripple effect. Cancer doesn’t solely affect the person alone – it hits family and friends too. It’s hateful having to tell my loved ones each time the disease comes back.

But by God’s healing grace, I’m still here. Incredible advances in research mean that treatments are improving all the time. Prognoses are increasingly positive and more people now survive. For me, cancer is more like a chronic illness. I am a living example of that idea. Knowledge is power and power can disperse much of the fear cancer exposes. I compare it to my Diabetes and Alzheimer’s : you just learn to live with.

I began writing and discovered that writing heals me. I cannot emphasise enough the power of communication. Silence helps breed fear, and by sharing my story I can offer hope. I can point out that my case was very unusual, that it’s incredibly unlucky to have cancer this many times and that only approximately five per cent of cancers are genetic.

For now, I will heal my surgical wounds and prepare for the next round of treatment. I will continue to play with my grandchildren, watch “Survivor” and walk my little chihuahua.
I’ll think about the future and plan ahead. Everyone’s life is full of ups and downs. We all have issues to deal with. Mine just happens to be cancer.

If you’ve just been diagnosed, or you know someone who has, please take heart from my story. Cancer is not always a death sentence. More and more people are surviving. I happen to be living proof that cancer doesn’t always win. It is true that cancer has invaded my body but I will never allow it to invade my mind and soul. I don’t lie awake at night simply contemplating my death. Cancer will never define who I am. It’s merely a part of my mortal life here on Earth, and I’ve no intention of going anywhere for quite some time God willing🙏🏽

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Boys Beware – Actual anti-LGBT propaganda from 1961

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Brian has done a good public service by digging up this downright creepy moral panic video from 1961. This video is wrong on so many levels: conflating “homosexuality” with underage sex, medicalizing same-sex attraction, unnecessary fearmongering…

Ridiculous. Read more Boys Beware – Actual anti-LGBT propaganda from 1961

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Man With Skin Cancer Loathes Doctors, Dies Without Medical Treatment

Dateline: NEW JERSEY—Morris Berbowski, a 53 year-old man, died from skin cancer after refusing to be treated by any doctor for seven years, because he couldn’t find one who wasn’t “a condescending douchebag.”

Seven years ago, Berbowski did show a doctor an embarrassing rash that had developed on his legs and backside, but was traumatized by the experience.
Read more Man With Skin Cancer Loathes Doctors, Dies Without Medical Treatment

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“Diversity” is as “Diversity” Does

Gotta love diversity!
You can be a hater in pretty much any way you want, and that’s OK, because ‘diversity’ is meritorious in itself.
If ‘diversity’ means cultural enrichment from Salafi Jihadists, Neo-Nazis, Alt-Right bigots, Holocaust deniers, Humanitarian Interventionists, Anti-Vaxxers, Anti-Semites, Muslimophobes, the anti-Islamophobia industry & regressive leftist community, Marxist hatemongers, Fascist fools, Kippers, Trots, Sparts, Christian Scientists, Scientologists, and God knows what else, then you might need to check your premises. Read more “Diversity” is as “Diversity” Does

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My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking up

Dear person who never looks up while crossing the street, no matter how much traffic there is,

Hey, how’s it going? I hope I didn’t interrupt you from anything important. Please, by all means, go ahead and finish texting LOL to your friend Brad. Don’t forget the smiley face emoticon. Your text is far more important than anything I have to discuss with you. I’ll wait……… Done yet? Super.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. You see, I’m the guy whose car almost creamed you earlier today when you walked into traffic against the light and never once looked up. I doubt you remember me.

I can imagine it must have been hard to hear my horn blaring or my brakes screeching to avoid hitting you, what with that AC / DC song playing on your iPod at 175 decibels. I could hear them rocking away from inside my car with my windows up. I have to say, excellent choice in music, dude. Can’t go wrong with Highway to Hell – a classic.

You know, when I was young, I was taught that the center of the solar system was the sun. I now realize that my teacher lied to me – because clearly the solar system revolves around an eight-inch space between those earbuds of yours.

Okay, so technically I may have had the “legal” right of way over you, seeing as the light was green for me, and you had that annoying, flashing DON’T WALK sign that you probably missed since it didn’t flash on your cell phone. But hey, who has time to read street signs when they’re busy checking out their Facebook page, am I right?

Anyhoo, what I was trying to say is I apologize. I’m deeply sorry if my car’s front bumper photobombed the Selfie you were taking. Given that my windshield was merely four feet away from your rib cage when our paths crossed, I fear I may have ruined your Snapchat moment.

I must confess, I envy you just a little. You looked so at peace – so completely unbothered by the gridlock you created for all those cars behind me trying in vain to make it through the intersection. I am in awe of your composure in the face of a long line of irate drivers who would have happily made you into a hood ornament.

A lesser person would have been intimidated at the thought of 4,000 pounds of steel bearing down on them at the speed of a hungry cheetah. But not you. You were so courageous, completely undaunted. Even the screams of the maddening crowd didn’t shake your certitude that the urban seas would part to make way for your triumphant, regal crossing. Way to make an entrance, King Cell Phone Dude.

And I simply must applaud your amazing ability to keep your eyes focused downward during your entire crossing. As I was trying in vain to get your attention, your eyes never once wandered from your cell phone screen during your entire 36-foot journey from curb to curb. I doubt a nuclear explosion could have diverted your concentration away from whatever YouTube roomba cat video you were locked in on.

Ya’ know, sometimes I find myself having to stop what I’m doing and pay attention to other people around me who insist that I observe basic courtesies of a modern society. You don’t suffer from that affliction. Not one bit. It must be nice not to have to worry about anything outside of a two-foot radius of your thumbs. What’s important to me is that you were able to saunter across the street at your own leisurely pace, without having to worry about anyone else on this planet. I am in awe of you.

I hope our paths cross again sometime. Perhaps we’ll meet on an airplane. I’ll be the guy right behind you in line waiting for fifteen minutes while you attempt to squeeze a suitcase the size of a refrigerator into the overhead compartment.

But if I know you – and I’m pretty sure I do – you won’t notice me then either. And that’s okay. Because no matter how long you make me wait for you to place your special order at the drive thru or ask the bank teller to convert your collection of 2,578 pennies into dollar bills, it’s okay. Take your time. Please don’t hurry on my account. All that matters to me – and the other 25 people in line behind you – is that you focus on the needs of Numero Uno, buddy. Act like we’re not even here. That should be easy for you to do.

On behalf of all the people in this world who are forced to wait on the outside of whatever impenetrable magic bubble you live in, I just want to say, thank you for reminding all of us that your time is more valuable than ours.

Warmest regards,

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Stop the Tyranny of Facts. Check Your Privilege, & Stop Violating my Intuitions

As I just commented to some friends on Facebook about this HORRIBLE article…

We have to do something about the plague of #altliterarycritique!

We truly are in a post-Derridean age, where arbitrary social constructs just don’t matter any more, and anyone can just push their so-called FACTS on us without expecting some sort of radical deconstructive pushback. Read more Stop the Tyranny of Facts. Check Your Privilege, & Stop Violating my Intuitions

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Stop Darwinophobia Now: Dawkinsism is the Science of Peace

I’m sick of all these privileged bigots claiming that New Atheists are somehow ‘superior’ to the Moderate Political Islamist Community.

I mean, remember when A C Grayling was advocating beheading everyone who insulted his wife, or when Richard Dawkins wanted to stone people who denied the literal inspired word of Darwin?

This stuff is happening all the time! Read more Stop Darwinophobia Now: Dawkinsism is the Science of Peace

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Pomo Priorities (The Ballad of How Occidental Civilization Was Won & Lost)

1. Don’t say REAL MEN DON’T RAPE! That’s essentialist!

 

But men shouldn’t rape…?

STFU! Essentialist!!!!!

***

2. OMG! Stop comparing the Brotherhood to ISIS!

 

But they’re theocrats…

OMG! #Hashtag, not all moderate political Islamists! Read more Pomo Priorities (The Ballad of How Occidental Civilization Was Won & Lost)

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