7th Grade Essay Contest Winner Informed He Should Start Making Better Choices In The Future

Cedar Falls, Iowa.  After writing a purely outstanding essay creatively describing what he would do if he ever found a time machine, 13-year-old Kyle Lane was warned by teachers, administrators, and his parents that his natural love for writing will not help him succeed as an adult. Due to the unanticipated success of his award-winning, brilliant, and perfectly-written essay, which was published in the local newspaper, Kyle was taken aside by the caring adults in his life, who all felt the overwhelming need to express concern that his unique gift and passion for producing literature could lead to severe alcoholism, the inability to pay bills, and starvation unless he would be willing to develop some practical skills that will land him ‘a real job’ in the future.
Shocked and horrified while learning that his ultimate dream of becoming a great writer would probably result in nothing but frustration, financial instability, drug use, burnout, depression, chain-smoking, and possibly even early death in a dilapidated apartment, the 7th-grade literary prodigy continually wiped tears off his face as he was informed that internet bloggers and short story composers will not make enough money to survive when the economy eventually collapses.     Alarmed and taken off guard by the magnitude of genius and skillful precision that was expressed in the essay and feeling somewhat responsible for starting the project in the first place, Kyle’s English Teacher, Ms. Gilbertson, showed the disturbed youngster several YouTube videos of Charles Bukowski drunkenly reading poetry before harshly asking him if that’s a lifestyle he wants to emulate.  Principal Duane Amundson mentioned that many novelists fail miserably while trying to get their work passed through a literary agent and that the entire process would most likely exacerbate Kyle’s future dependence on cocaine and prostitutes as his life makes a continual downward spiral after the age of 35.      Assistant Principal Bill Johnston also chipped in and said there were some rigid business and math classes Kyle could take that would adequately prepare him for the military school he would most likely be shipped off to before he graduates high school.   After an additional 45 minutes of hearing that engineers, software designers, and corporate advisors have tremendous salaries, Kyle was driven home, sat down at the kitchen table by Thomas and Brenda Lane, and handed several pamphlets for nearby crisis intervention seminars he could attend that would help him stay on the right path. 

Author: Wes Janson

BIO: Wes Janson is a Master's Degree Holder as well as a former international educator who lived in South Korea and Taiwan. He is also an isolated, balding, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, angry, hopeless, neurotic, self-medicating iconoclastic nihilist filled with delusions of grandeur who is currently struggling with the irreversible effects of a severe mid-life crisis.

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