Janesville, Wisconsin. After enduring a long, arduous, and heavily exhausting “self-improvement” journey that involved reading books, trying to learn new things, and awkwardly experimenting with hobbies that left him feeling highly fatigued and ultimately unfulfilled, Craig Gerald, 37, happily confessed last Thursday that he has reached the end of his 3-month-long, pitiful attempt to improve himself and enhance the quality of his life in general.
“I’m finally at ease with myself as an individual, and I’m ready to relax and allow things to ‘be as they are,’” Mr. Gerald stated before needlessly elaborating on the details of how his desperate attempts to become a better person have never actually worked in the past and that it was foolish on his part to resume the fragmented and unfocused goals he had naively set for himself during his youth.
But the recently enlightened (and indeed very drained) middle-aged burn-out has even deeper reasons for feeling the need to conclude his efforts and call everything off.
“It’s very essential to just be content with yourself while avoiding the overwhelming anxiety and frustration that accompany setting goals that are simply too high to attain,” he delightfully acknowledged, quickly adding that his long evenings of absorbing self-help literature as well as his vigorous daily exercise routine would soon be replaced with the nightly drinking that had suited him quite well throughout the majority of his early-to-mid 30s.
Beyond satisfied that his time-consuming and exasperating struggle toward self-actualization finally ended with the blessed epiphany that he has already done the absolute best with his limited potential as a human being as well as his inborn narrow-mindedness and ultimately crippled personality, Craig ecstatically concluded that he will make a triumphant return to being a useless, untalented, unmotivated, and hopelessly mediocre ‘piece-of-shit’ beginning immediately next week.