Supermarket chains across the United States have agreed to forgo advertising depicting happy families gathered together in celebration and good cheer this holiday season.
Although researchers insist an increase in suicide attempts during the holidays has proved largely a myth, the unusually altruistic business decision was reached during the Thanksgiving holidays after HELP! hotlines reported a sharp spike in calls by persons emotionally distressed following a television ad depicting the tribulations of a paired Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker set tossed about by the type of joyful family only Norman Rockwell could love.
During one scene, the male pepper shaker tumbles from the grasp of a careless toddler and crashes to the floor. Although unscathed and intact, many viewers themselves fell hard for Pilgrim Pepper, internalizing a message of “going off the edge” and viewing the drop as a symbolic leap of despair. “I sobbed myself into a cranberry-laced stupor,” revealed one caller, who asked to remain anonymous.
In response to the shaken response by viewers, grocers also agreed to drop any previously produced holiday ads featuring anthropomorphic salt and pepper shakers.
Commercials depicting dancing Christmas trees and Hanukkah menorahs have scored well with test audiences. “What’s not to love?” offered one participant, a rabbi en route to sit shivah. “My dear dead friend, he should be so lucky to light one more candle.”
May your days burn merry and bright.