Obama May Target World Unemployment

National Enquirer – Part 3 of John’s Smith’s report of his time on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at President Obama’s compound. Before he was discovered and removed by Secret Service agents, Smith managed to tape several strategy meetings Obama conducted with advisors. In the following transcript, the President leads a brainstorming session on correcting the nation’s dismal employment situation:

OBAMA: We have to face facts: unless we get unemployment down, we’ll get no traction on my key issues: health care reform, cap-and-trade, and a two million man civilian army that answers only to me. So, what do we do? George?

SOROS: I hire vun million* community organizers zu spy on neighbors and report dizzenters, zir. Und anudder million wearing Palin 2012 T shirts beating zem up on tape.

OBAMA: Ok. That’ll bring unemployment down a couple points. Make it so. Gibbs, when you get George’s footage of GOP thuggery, inform the networks I want it aired ASAP. Joe?

BIDEN: Hey Boss, how ‘bout I use a couple billion stimulus bucks to fund construction of corrugated cardboard sidewalk street shelters for the homeless.

OBAMA: Hmmm … “hovel-ready” projects for the inner cities? Yes! Joe, tell the corrugated cardboard people I expect a hefty donation to my re-election campaign. They don’t want to play ball, reach out to the Chinese drywall barons. Tim?

GEITHNER: We can create thousands of new construction jobs, sir–union jobs–with a crash program to build an additional half-dozen mints. They’re easily justified, too: we’re running out of greenbacks because we can’t print money fast enough to keep up with your spending.

OBAMA: Ah, Timmy knows I love his confections. Six new mints it is. We’ll fund them with Stimulus II monies. Rahm?

EMANUEL: For the short term, sir, add third shifts to operating mints. That means more engravers, machinists, electricians, maintenance people, so forth. Paper mills, ink producers—they’ll need more workers. Armored cars we use to transport bills now–big, heavy gas guzzlers? Junk ‘em and have our GM division build a fleet of solar-powered, bullet- resistant vans.

OBAMA: Oh, man. The way we’re going, a year from now, we might have a labor shortage. Larry?

SUMMERS: Cranking up production of dollars will take time, sir. I suggest we buy some of North Korea’s excellent counterfeit stock to tide us over until the new mints are up and running.

OBAMA: Sounds good. Hillary, work with Larry on that. Seal the deal by offering the Troll “one shipload-of-arms-allowed-to-pass-unmolested-to-Iran” card. Any other ideas to increase employment?

MICHELLE: Yes. Double my White House staff. You hear me, Barack?

*Editor’s note: Even with advanced audio enhancement techniques, The Enquirer could not rule out the possibility that Mr. Soros actually proposed hiring not two million but two billion community organizers, an act which could end unemployment across the globe. Mr. Soros refused comment.

Author: Sagman44

Sagman44 was born in Brooklyn and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Sagman44 began a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. One legacy of Sagman44’s time in education: his distaste for arrogant teens and the expression, “F--- you.” He spends his spare time roaming the city with a can of spray paint, examining subway walls and tenement halls, adding “th” to the curse wherever he finds it.