Failures Force Obama to Look for Scapegoats

National Enquirer – Part II of John Smith’s report of his time on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at the Obama Compound. From his hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where strategy meetings were held, Smith taped the following conversation between Obama and top advisors. This session had to do with Obama’s plummeting poll numbers.

OBAMA: This is a disaster. I need volunteers to accept responsibility and fall on their swords.

EMANUEL: I’ll commit seppuku during your next presser, sir.

OBAMA: Your call. Bob, seat Major Garrett and Jake Tapper within spurting distance of Rahm. I want them to feel responsible for his sacrifice. Valerie?

JARRETT: The Secret Service has rules about weapons anywhere near you, sir. Rahm won’t be able to get a katana into the East Room to perform the rite. He’ll have to disembowel himself in the corridor, then hold things in until he can get in front of the podium.

OBAMA: Rahm’s Chicago tough. He can do it. Anybody else?

AXELROD: My Chicago street smarts have been a bust in Washington, sir. Since everybody says I look like a Soviet apparatchik, demote me to Special Envoy to Putin.

OBAMA: Done. Uh, Joe…

BIDEN: I’d volunteer to resign, Boss, but your numbers would go through the floor if people thought I had what it takes to be President, and left. You need me right where I am, O.

OBAMA: Good point. Let’s see… I need one more…

MICHELLE: Who you lookin’ at? I have a copy of your birth certificate–the long form. You hear me, Barack?

The Enquirer today has rejected a demand by Attorney General Holder that Smith and his tapes be turned over to the new White House Interrogation Team.

Author: Sagman44

Sagman44 was born in Brooklyn and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Sagman44 began a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. One legacy of Sagman44’s time in education: his distaste for arrogant teens and the expression, “F--- you.” He spends his spare time roaming the city with a can of spray paint, examining subway walls and tenement halls, adding “th” to the curse wherever he finds it.