Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You

A new, terrifying species of vampire has been discovered that has begun a feeding frenzy throughout the world. The horrifying part is that it haunts the least likely of places, your local bank!

This vampire is a new one for the books. It feeds not off your body’s lifeforce, blood, but rather your economic lifeforce, money. These are the financial bloodsuckers, the bankers who, unable to draw their living from realms outside their immediate domains due to the deep recession, now must feed off the very customers who use their services. Read more Warning: Bank Zombies Out to Get You

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XE, Artists Formerly Known As Blackwater, Open Kill Thrill Amusement Park

Hayden, ID (GlossyNews) — Soldiers of Fortune, paramilitary buffs and serial killers can all revel in the new theme park started by Xe, the artists once known as Blackwater.

Fresh from getting off their convictions of killing 17 Iraqi civilians at a traffic circle in Baghdad, the now rejuvenated and non-incarcerated Xe is putting its money into a Disneyland-style park for those who bill for a kill.

“It will be great!” boasted Xe Park Planner Gene Cide. “We will have amusements here for all ages and both sexes so long as they are white. We would allow other races in, but we don’t know what they would do with guns in their hands. Better to leave them in the hands of the people who invented them.” Read more XE, Artists Formerly Known As Blackwater, Open Kill Thrill Amusement Park

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Recession So Bad, Money Is Worthless

The long lasting recession has caused in many a belief that money no longer has any value.

“What good is it to waste my whole day getting ready for work, going to work, working, going home from work, then spending the rest of my night recovering from work? I might just as well live in a refrigerator box and have my time free.” stated Eli Zacomin, laborer.

Many seem to agree with this idea. Read more Recession So Bad, Money Is Worthless

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Conservatives Shift From ‘Compassionate’ to ‘Cold-blooded’ Conservatism

The Republicans, still smarting from their losses in the 2008 elections, have taken a new stance. Gone are the Bush I and II philosophies of ‘Compassionate Conservatism’. The new motto is ‘Cold-Blooded Conservatism’. This new attitude will focus on further crushing the working and middle class with less rights and diminished wages, which they’ve been doing anyway, just now they won’t smile and pretend they aren’t anymore. Read more Conservatives Shift From ‘Compassionate’ to ‘Cold-blooded’ Conservatism

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Alaskan Villagers Purposely ‘Being Bad’ To Get Coal From Santa

Point Barrow, AK (GlossyNews) — Residents of the Arctic town of Sealgut Alaska have resorted to extreme means to get their heating fuel supplies for this winter. Faced by two months of near total darkness and bone-chilling cold with little economic resources to carry them through, the villagers have resorted to ‘being bad’ in the hopes that Santa will give them coal in their stockings this winter that they can use for fuel. Much to the local State Troopers chagrin, Read more Alaskan Villagers Purposely ‘Being Bad’ To Get Coal From Santa

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Timedate 2011: Recession Ends, But The Workers Died Long Ago

Economists the world over have stated the news that everyone has been waiting for- that the long, draining recession has finally come to an end and that businesses will start hiring again. Unfortunately, the good news came to a screeching halt when it was discovered that all the workers for those positions had long since starved to death. This immediately plunged the world markets into another recession. Read more Timedate 2011: Recession Ends, But The Workers Died Long Ago

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Wall Street Declares Itself An Independent Nation

Wall Street, in a surprising move today, declared itself a separate governing republic and detached from the US. Always considered a bulwark of staunch capitalism, the recent bailout has changed the economic thinking of it’s leaders. Upon succession Wall Str. renamed itself “The Socialist Republic of Wall Str.”. Hugo Chavez sent them a telegram of congratulations.

Critics of this development suggest that having achieved independence Wall Str. would not have to return the $700 billion handout. Read more Wall Street Declares Itself An Independent Nation

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America Citizens Revolt: Dismantle Executives

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — The citizens of the United States today in a mass movement became the largest bank in the world. Strapped with the responsibility of saving huge financial institutions from insolvency and the auto industry as well as a number of other enterprises, the public finally collectively decided to incorporate themselves.

Demanding a return for their hard-earned taxes, the people insisted that the institutions pay an interest rate of 15% Read more America Citizens Revolt: Dismantle Executives

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Psychologists Work to Help Celebs Struggling with Gorgeous Wives

Rising to meet the current celebrity fiasco involving extra-marital affairs, Hollywood based Psychological Resources group has set up a new service to aid those stars who are unable to keep their sexual organs within the family sphere of things. Starting a group called “What the Hell Is Wrong with You? Don’t You Know How Good You Got It?” it will attempt to make it clear to interned celebrities that they have it sexually about as well as you can ever get it. Read more Psychologists Work to Help Celebs Struggling with Gorgeous Wives

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Al Queda Looking For A Few Good Yuppies

New York, NY — In a unique reversal of its former policy of attracting the poor and oppressed for its legions of bomb makers and bomb blowers, Al-Queda has changed its strategy to recruiting young, rich Westerners to its agenda instead. The world’s premier terrorist organization is now attempting to attract yuppies to fill its ranks. For example, here is the latest video outing from Osama bin Laden himself, patron saint of the Terrorist movement: Read more Al Queda Looking For A Few Good Yuppies

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Virgin Galactic Hijacked By Cylon Robots

The worlds first space vehicle designed to allow passengers to experience space travel and weightlessness was hijacked today by robotic Cylons demanding that they be flown to somewhere called the “12 Colonies”. The Virgin Galactic was just preparing for takeoff when a number of metal, evil looking robots entered the bridge by force and took control. Read more Virgin Galactic Hijacked By Cylon Robots

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Osama’s Cave Getting Too Crowded

(Information received by word of mouth via the north Pakistan grapevine)

Osama bin Laden’s cave has become crowded beyond capacity due to President Obama’s decision to send an additional 30,000 US troops to Afghanistan. Every Taliban member not busy committing suicide in a crowded place occupied by infidels is pushing to get into the cave as it is the only place where they are guaranteed not to be found by the military. Read more Osama’s Cave Getting Too Crowded

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Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World

Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade. Read more Fir Trees Being Kidnapped Mysteriously Around The World

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UPS Vs The Post Office — Annual Race Between The Tortoise And Hare

The time of year has come for the great Christmas race between the tortoise and the hare.  Those who know Aesop’s fable, know it as a moralizing tale.  In this case, it involves a total lack of morals whatsoever.  This race is also symbolic — the hare is the representative body of United Parcel Service and the tortoise is the United States Postal Service.  Each year they compete for the affections of a public determined to send Christmas presents to relatives, friends and colleagues. Read more UPS Vs The Post Office — Annual Race Between The Tortoise And Hare

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Salvation Army: More Bell Ringers Going Mad This Season

The Salvation Army has reported a higher than normal number of Christmas bell ringers going mad this holiday season.  Every year there are always a few who go loopy from the constant ringing of their little hand bells and the stress of keeping up a smile and good spirits while having to stand outside in one place in the cold for hours while mothers with their snotty brats walk buy making rude remarks and cars splash filthy mud over them. Read more Salvation Army: More Bell Ringers Going Mad This Season

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O’Reilly Interviews God, Tells Him To ‘Shut Up’

In a controversial incident on Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing God, asking how the Almighty could come to allow the Democrats to run both the Senate and White House. During God’s attempt to explain that he had to be fair to all sides, O’Reilly got peeved when God started to explain the Democrats point of view and constantly interrupted Him. Midway through the show O’Reilly blew his stack and told God to “Shut up!” Read more O’Reilly Interviews God, Tells Him To ‘Shut Up’

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In True American Form, Hawaii Renamed “Bob Islands”

In a tradition that dates back to the time of the first white European navigators, the federal government, composed mostly of old white men, will change the name of the Hawaiian islands to something more Aryan- they will be renamed the ‘Bob Islands’.

With the dumbing down of Americans in the latest generations (think George Bush) educators are finding that students have trouble pronouncing and spelling even such common, but foreign names as Hawaii, Honolulu, Waikiki and karaoke. Read more In True American Form, Hawaii Renamed “Bob Islands”

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