Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Pop singer Bjork (pronounced BEE-YORKKKKK, just like you are upchucking a bad pizza), always a fountainhead of new and eccentric ideas, has decided to help alleviate Iceland’s terrible economic problems.

Iceland, long a self reliant land, made a bad mistake by investing heavily in British stocks which plummeted in value during the current recession. Iceland teeters on bankruptcy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

We Are Taking Over This Website To Show You This Message

We Are Taking Over This Website To Show You This Message

A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES

Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics13 Comments

Disney Tries Bold Corporate Takeover Of Entire Worlds Of Fantasy

Disney Tries Bold Corporate Takeover Of Entire Worlds Of Fantasy

Disney Corporation has made another great stride in its endeavor to control all possible realms of consumer fantasy. With a buyout of $4 billion in cash and stocks, the great Mickey has bought the upstart Marvel Comics franchise, the famous comic book non-conformists who created such legendary neo-mythical figures as the Hulk, Spiderman, Iron Man, the X-Men and other such spandex-clad heroes of our childhood. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Chicago’s Famous Wrigley Outsources Its Mints to Canada – The Horror

Chicago’s Famous Wrigley Outsources Its Mints to Canada – The Horror

CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) —

The horror! The horror!

This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

The horror! The horror! Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Travel0 Comments

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

  1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
  2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
  3. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Great Britain has invaded the United States of America in a fit of irritation over the glee showed during Independence day festivities, and to win back the valuable territory lost in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812. An endless barrage of fireworks are shot off at night during this yearly event to symbolize the fight the young nation put up against a European power that they saw as being tyrannical.

“It wasn’t that bad.” states quasi Prime Minister David Cameron. “OK, we made them cough up a few extra shillings for their damned tea. So what? Now the damn bastards don’t even drink it anymore. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

SEATTLE, Washington (GlossyNews) — Instant riches have been bestowed upon Freedom From Cellular Company, the inventor of the new, anti-cell phone jamming device called “The Silencer”. This fresh creation shuts down any irritating cell phones in the users vicinity making them inoperable. It is in such demand that they can now only be found for purchase on the Internet. The Silencer will shut up any cellphone anywhere, anytime within a 30 foot radius of the user. The machine has brought blessed silence, peace and quiet to the thousands of customers who already possess them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos3 Comments

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Continue Reading

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Moose Take Aim on Chickenhawk Ted Nugent

Moose Take Aim on Chickenhawk Ted Nugent

POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first put up. Their anger is over the fact that the long haired and semi psychopathic Nugent is a famous hunter as well, one who seems to deem it an almost religious undertaking.

“The shooting of animals for sport and meat is a God given virtue that He has given unto man. We are meant to have dominion over the earth and its denizens. That means we have the right to blow them into teensy little pieces if we want to.” Continue Reading

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Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Continue Reading

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Far Right Kicks Off ‘Cheney For Dictator’ Campaign

Far Right Kicks Off ‘Cheney For Dictator’ Campaign

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION in Northern Southern Wyoming (GlossyNews) — The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For Keeping America Under Our Thumbs’ convention in New Orleans.

Cheney’s opening speech contained many gems that had the crowds standing and cheering such as “I will bring to bear the iron fist that America so badly needs”, Continue Reading

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Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up cap the renegade oil well.

Acme CEO Wile E. Coyote, interviewed by Fly By Night Business Magazine, has expressed his delight at his company’s good fortune.

“I use to be Acme’s biggest customer of products. Their inventory has always been amazing. They had everything imaginable: long and short fused explosives, rocket cars, anvils, guided missiles, bazookas, spring loaded shoes and a great variety of specialty booby traps. We intend on maintaining that great tradition.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories

Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc3 Comments

France, Tired Of American Jokes, Takes Back Statue Of Liberty.

France, Tired Of American Jokes, Takes Back Statue Of Liberty.

Paris, France – France, tired of taking all the crap that it has gotten from the U.S., has retaliated by taking back the Statue of Liberty, once a gift from them. Ever since Bush started the Iraqi war and called them wusses for not helping out, French opinion of her one-time ally has deteriorated.

At noon yesterday, a freight ship registered as being the Le Liberte from Marseilles with cranes mounted on the deck, pulled up to the statue and started dismantling it. Men from the ship worked feverishly through the night to break the statue from its mountings.

When asked questions by reporters, the men would answer in French saying things like “Go away, you small intestine of a vermin,” or “I will not speak with militaristic offal!” or “Sacre bleu!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories0 Comments

Icelanders Have Their Revenge, By Odin

Icelanders Have Their Revenge, By Odin

Reykjavik, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Hammered by massive financial debts to Europe and Britain in particular, Iceland has come up with a hammer of its own to strike back with. Returning to its traditional religious roots and the old gods of the Norsemen, the Icelanders have invoked their wrath to aid them in their revenge on an unforgiving European economic situation that spells doom for them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

2012 – The Year The Women Took Over

2012 – The Year The Women Took Over

Glossy News Future Take: Year 2024 — Most political analysts look upon the 2012 Obama-Palin campaign as the start of the anarchy that now besets us. Originally known as the second Obama-McCain campaign, Palin soon eclipsed her boss in popularity as was well-remembered by the 98% female majority in the House and Senate that is now disbanded.

McCain’s mysterious demise two days into his Presidency started the path of female dominance. Continue Reading

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