FOX News Has a Tough Time Telling the Black Chess Pieces Apart as Well

A big stink arose this past week when Greta van Susteren, intellectual extraordinaire of FOX News (indeed perhaps the only one. How did she get in there?) mistook Shirley Sherrod, the black Georgia State Director Of Rural Development, with California Democrat Maxine Waters. Sherrod recently gave a speech on her coming to understand the plight of white farmers, which was misconstrued to much acclaim by a right wing blogger. Continue Reading

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Posted in News In Your Briefs1 Comment

Palin Voodoos Tina Fey

Palin Voodoos Tina Fey

ST LOUIS CEMETERY #1, New Orleans (GlossyNews) — While on a lecture tour in New Orleans, Sarah Palin slipped away form her entourage and secretly visited a voodoo shop in the French Quarter. The owner already had the Tina Fey voodoo Doll ready for her.

The VP candidate wasted no time and immediately went at it with a pliers, brightly colored clown make-up, barber clippers and a corkscrew shaped tampon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

States Secede From US – Create New Country

States Secede From US – Create New Country

POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — A new political entity was born today as all states west of the Mississippi seceded from the Union and created their own nation called The League of States That Remembers What Reality Is.

Fed up with decades of following a government that only recognized the needs and interests of those within a 200 mile radius of Washington, the League (hereafter referred to as the LSTRWRI so that I don’t go over my word limit) made Barrow, Alaska its capital and named Sarah Palin its Queen because of her independent style and because she is a babe. Unfortunately, when they realized that Ms. Palin had little idea what reality is, nominated Ron Paul as its first Czar instead. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society6 Comments

The Mysterious, Dubious Disappearance of “The Far Side’s” Gary Larson

The Mysterious, Dubious Disappearance of “The Far Side’s” Gary Larson

Mysterious was the disappearance of Gary Larson, the famed and beloved creator of the very popular cartoon series The Far Side. One day a successful, widely popular genius behind one of the world’s top selling daily cartoons, the next day missing without a clue. Conspiracy theories abound as to what became of him, but perhaps no one will ever know the answer. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc1 Comment

Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death

Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death

STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest3 Comments

Poor Banned from Using Money

Poor Banned from Using Money

Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money.

“Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the little things like food and shelter instead of wonderful things like jewelry or fabulous fashions.”

“The poor live at such a low level anyway.” quipped Ms. Nelly Riva, a photo model who gets paid 20 times her weight daily.

“They could just live off what we cast off and live on the edges of town and use our old boxes to build shanties. Let those of us with important jobs like modeling and selling cosmetics have all the money to use properly.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Society0 Comments

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

Bjork, Pirates, Determined To Help Iceland Out of Economic Hardship

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Pop singer Bjork (pronounced BEE-YORKKKKK, just like you are upchucking a bad pizza), always a fountainhead of new and eccentric ideas, has decided to help alleviate Iceland’s terrible economic problems.

Iceland, long a self reliant land, made a bad mistake by investing heavily in British stocks which plummeted in value during the current recession. Iceland teeters on bankruptcy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

We Are Taking Over This Website To Show You This Message

We Are Taking Over This Website To Show You This Message

A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES

Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics13 Comments

Disney Tries Bold Corporate Takeover Of Entire Worlds Of Fantasy

Disney Tries Bold Corporate Takeover Of Entire Worlds Of Fantasy

Disney Corporation has made another great stride in its endeavor to control all possible realms of consumer fantasy. With a buyout of $4 billion in cash and stocks, the great Mickey has bought the upstart Marvel Comics franchise, the famous comic book non-conformists who created such legendary neo-mythical figures as the Hulk, Spiderman, Iron Man, the X-Men and other such spandex-clad heroes of our childhood. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Chicago’s Famous Wrigley Outsources Its Mints to Canada – The Horror

Chicago’s Famous Wrigley Outsources Its Mints to Canada – The Horror

CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) —

The horror! The horror!

This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

The horror! The horror! Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Travel0 Comments

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

  1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
  2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
  3. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Britain Invades US Over 4th of July Humiliation

Great Britain has invaded the United States of America in a fit of irritation over the glee showed during Independence day festivities, and to win back the valuable territory lost in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812. An endless barrage of fireworks are shot off at night during this yearly event to symbolize the fight the young nation put up against a European power that they saw as being tyrannical.

“It wasn’t that bad.” states quasi Prime Minister David Cameron. “OK, we made them cough up a few extra shillings for their damned tea. So what? Now the damn bastards don’t even drink it anymore. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

Cell Phone Jammer Hits the Street

SEATTLE, Washington (GlossyNews) — Instant riches have been bestowed upon Freedom From Cellular Company, the inventor of the new, anti-cell phone jamming device called “The Silencer”. This fresh creation shuts down any irritating cell phones in the users vicinity making them inoperable. It is in such demand that they can now only be found for purchase on the Internet. The Silencer will shut up any cellphone anywhere, anytime within a 30 foot radius of the user. The machine has brought blessed silence, peace and quiet to the thousands of customers who already possess them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos3 Comments

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Continue Reading

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Moose Take Aim on Chickenhawk Ted Nugent

Moose Take Aim on Chickenhawk Ted Nugent

POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first put up. Their anger is over the fact that the long haired and semi psychopathic Nugent is a famous hunter as well, one who seems to deem it an almost religious undertaking.

“The shooting of animals for sport and meat is a God given virtue that He has given unto man. We are meant to have dominion over the earth and its denizens. That means we have the right to blow them into teensy little pieces if we want to.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment0 Comments

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Continue Reading

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