NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced to her fan site T-SWIFT.COM yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later.
As usual she plans to write a song for the occasion.
“I was hurt so badly when a boyfriend—I forget whether it was Joe (Jonas), Nick (Jonas), Kevin (Jonas), Taylor (Lautner), John (Meyer), or Zac (Efron)—said on his Facebook page that my brown eye really made him blue,” said Ms. Swift. “I was soooo mortified. It was weeks before I could even think of letting anybody see me naked again.”
In the meantime Ms. Swift “researched Wikipedia,” where she learned, “Some light-skinned people have some degree of darker pigmentation of the skin immediately around the anus, which can be mistaken for poor personal hygiene.”
“I had never heard of such a thing,” said Ms. Swift. “Poor personal hygiene is soooo gross, especially among girls like me who have taken the pledge to remain virgins until they get married.”
After writing a song (“Brown Eye Crying in the Rain”) to reassure her fans that her “tooter” is not disgusting—”like an unwashed plate with caked on burrito gunk”—Ms. Swift signed up for the introductory Brown-Off Anal Bleaching and Power Wash at a local salon.
“It worked so well the first thing I did was write a song about it (‘I Wanna Be Your Back Door Girl’),” said Ms. Swift.
“Then I realized that even though millions of tweener girls around the country would buy that song, I could make more money if I got their butts into my salons as well as my concerts. I mean, I can’t keep writing break-up songs all my life. I will get married some day, then I’ll be stuck with nothing to write about except babies.”