Author: Phil Maggitti
Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?
ORLANDO, FL – As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its “Dancing with Killer Whales” program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau,…
Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery
NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request…
President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to revive his flagging presidency, Barack Obama plans to renew his oath of office in a special bipartisan ceremony to be held at the Washington Monument early this spring. Falling somewhere between a full-blown…
Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar
LOS ANGELES – The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as…
PETA Wants Tilikum the Killer Whale Tried As a Dolphin
NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his…
Taylor Swift Opening a Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons
NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced to her fan site T-SWIFT.COM yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut…
Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turned fifty-one recently, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign. “If America’s young people looked more like…
Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook
PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island’s 1st congressional district since 1995, has announced that he will not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and…
Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, greeks, and fat people that I have ever…
Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire
EXTON, PA – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra…