Author: Dave Martin
Christmas Moved to February
After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February. Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church…
Despite Defeat, Romney Vows to Keep Running
Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction. Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously…
Tea Party Member Breaks Ranks and Votes for Self-interest
In a surprising move, Tea Party member Wright Wing admitted that he decided to break ranks and vote for Barack Obama for president. “Believe me, I had no intention of voting for Obama,” said Mr. Wing. “But when I sat…
Romney Denies He’s a Crybaby
Defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney denies he is a crybaby. “Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney. “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people…
Empty Chair Posts Strong Showing In Early Voting
GlossyNews.com – This election year has seen a surge in early voting as more and more states allow for this convenient option, while others have restricted the hell out of it. Both the Obama and Romney camps had hoped that…
Undecided Ohio Voter Literally Chooses Winner
GlossyNews.com – Undecided voter Harold Merman of Niblock, Ohio has finally made his choice for this year’s presidential election. It should come as no surprise; he’s choosing the winner. That’s right; whoever finishes first on November 6th has Mr. Merman’s…
November Surprise: Bush Hysterically Backs Barack
GlossyNews.com – In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in today’s election. “I know you all must think I’ve been drunking crazy-water,” said Mr. Bush. “But the more I looked at that Barry fellows record, the…
NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate
Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate. “Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,”…
Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth
Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan. “I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion…
Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds
With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states. Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some…