WASHINGTON DC –GlossyNews Newt Gingrich, politician and part-time front runner in the GOPTea™ presidential race, has been charged with “the gravest, most evil transgression that humanity has ever been subjected to.” An activist group claims Mr. Gingrich has been illegally sending out fundamentally photoshopped images of himself for many years. They present the attached photo as proof of the egregious offense.
The unidentified spokesman for a previously unknown activist hairpiece group said, “It is obvious that this is a naked attempt to appeal to the voters who complained that he should part his hair on the left side of the head, but everyone knows he parts it on the right. In another effort to completely revise history, he has gone completely bald in a desperate move to appeal to the political center.”
The vocal activists are simply part of a larger, nation-wide group of hair stylists who want Gingrich to admit that he blatantly parts his hair on the right side of his head to appeal to the Tea Party wing of the GOPTea™. Gingrich has tried to mollify these complainers by claiming that he was simply trying to match his helmet-coiffed wife, Callista.
The group of hair burners claim he is a bald face liar and he should compromise by parting on the left in at least 45% of his photos. They have formed a PAC to bring attention to this action called T-BAGRPAC, but admitted it didn’t have a specific meaning, they just like to say the words. The spokesman said that the group would hold a marathon fund-raiser titled “Clip, Curl & Die” with celebrity hair stylists cutting, perming and dying hair for donors to the PAC.
“Newt has a long history of bi-partisan combing and parting. He has shared a couch with Nancy Pelosi, drank bourbon with Bill Clinton and even supported Democrats financially with cash in tight races at times. We’ll set up our fundraiser in the Congressional House Cloakroom for a week while the House is in session,” said the spokesman.
“We will have special donor-pricing starting at $5K for a cut and curl, all the way to the full-monty cut, curl & die job for $15K, with levels of pricing between. We’ve invited former House members to contribute, with a special half-price offer if they served while Gingrich was the actual speaker of the House. If Newt comes in for a cut, his price will be $20K, $30K if he wants a happy ending.”
The spokesman went on to describe the overall strategy. “We figure that we will do about 850 hair jobs during the week at $10K average. A nice piece of change to do some damage to his campaign. After all, we’re all T-BAGRs at heart.”
Newt had no comment to the T-BAGR’s low-hanging threats except to ask the PAC, “Wanta dah moole-yah?”, which loosely translates into, “Why haven’t you paid me yet?”