LEAK: Paul Ryan Already Signed to Do Playgirl

GlossyNews.com – Before the dust can even settle in the 2012 presidential election, TMZ has received word that vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has inked a 7-figure deal to shoot a full spread in Playgirl Magazine.

Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called early this morning to explain the situation, and spin it as a positive for the flagging campaign:

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. (Click photo photo to enlarge.)

“We were not aware that this was going to happen. This kind of took us by surprise, and we haven’t confirmed it with Mr. Ryan. He’s… kind of not answering our calls right now,” but he quickly added that, “Congressman Ryan will pose for Playgirl to prove, in plain sight, how dedicated he and Governor Romney are to the topic of women’s issues—a dedication that I’m sure President Obama is quite unprepared to show to his own female constituents.”

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This reporter was able to get a hold of a pre-release issue of the magazine after prying it out of the hands of a group of female Republican operatives.

I took the magazine with me when I interviewed the Congressman just one hour ago.

GlossyNews.com: Thank you very much, Congressman Ryan, for taking the time to meet…

Congressman Ryan: Jesus Christ! What happened to your eye?

GlossyNews.com: Oh yeah. That was one of your staffers. Lindsey I believe. Hell of a right hook.

Congressman “salty balls” Ryan: My God. Put some ice on that thing before it swells shut.

GlossyNews.com: Will do. Thank you for the concern. But let’s talk about your recent spread in Playgirl.

Congressman “shave nuts” Ryan: I’d love to. It’s just proof positive that, unlike President Obama, I take the issues women find important straight to heart. Issues like: body hair, biceps, rugged good looks, full-frontal male nudity…

GlossyNews.com: What about reproductive rights, equal pay, and sexual harassment?

Congressman Ryan turned to look at one of his aides. His aide shrugged. Congressman Ryan turned back to me.

Congressman “rumpled brow” Ryan: We have very good data stating that the issues I just enumerated are the ones women care about most.

GlossyNews.com: May I see that data?

Congressman “over-circumcised” Ryan: No.

There was a brief, awkward silence.

GlossyNews.com: Ok… Well let’s talk about the actual photos.

I took out the magazine and turned to Congressman Ryan’s centerfold.

GlossyNews.com: I see that Governor Romney also had a shoot.

Congressman “dangly parts” Ryan: Ah, yes. I was told that he was going to come in after I left…

GlossyNews.com: The two of you are in the same shot.

Congressman “vanilla love” Ryan: Um…yeah. I guess that must’ve been Phtotoshopped in…

GlossyNews.com: But you’re clearly holding his…

Congressman “p90x” Ryan: Ah! Um! I don’t know why they did that…

GlossyNews.com: …while you’re…

Congressman “five-inches” Ryan: I said it was Photshopped!

GlossyNews.com: Ok. Thank you very much, Congressman.

Congressman “shorn sack” Ryan: Thank you, Bobby.

When contacted about the issue, Playgirl’s photographer stated that he had not planned nor wanted to do a joint shoot with the two running mates. However, he had been overruled by their staff and made to take pictures of what he described as, “The seven most disturbing minutes of my life.”

Author: Bobby D. Foster

The Washington Pastime Literary Magazine has published one of my short stories titled “The Abolition of Satire”. Defenestration Magazine has published another titled “The Approval of Congress.” Also, I've been the president of both Guatemala and Mongolia... at the same time.

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