Paul Ryan: ‘Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak’

KENTUCKY – Following his televised debate with Vice President Joe Biden Thursday, Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan insisted: “must not look weak, must not look weak, must not look weak.”

Adopting a serious tone during post-debate festivities, the 42-year-old said it was absolutely vital that he refrain from breaking down in uncontrollable tears after what, after all, was a healthy debate with Mr. Biden. Read more Paul Ryan: ‘Must Not Look Weak, Must Not Look Weak’


Researchers Find Link Between Childhood Obesity; Calories

Obesity researchers at John Hopkins University claim they have discovered a causal link between childhood obesity and the consumption of excess calories.

“We won’t know for certain until all the data is in”, said lead researcher John Pell. “But our data shows that children who ingest several sugary soft drinks, candy bars, chips and other high caloric foods every day tend to be heavier than children who eat less!”

University of Tennessee obesity specialist Clarence Gross disagreed with Pell’s findings. “Caloric consumption has very little to do with obesity”, Gross stated. “Obesity is caused by lack of sleep and PCBs in plastics which create a metabolic disorder!”

Pell said his research started with his own 10 year old son who tended to sit on the sofa, eat candy and drink soft drinks and play video games. When Pell noticed his son getting fat he suspended his son’s candy and video game privileges and told him to “get off your ass and go outside and play”. Following his father’s advise, the boy became thinner, more energetic, more social and happier. Pell extended his research to 3,789 other overweight and obese youth and found a similar result.

“Certainly this does not prove anything”, Pell admitted. “But it does require further study!”


Ex-Nazi Guard on Trial for 29,999 Murders Expresses Regrets

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Former Ukranian concentration camp guard John Demjicunk’s trial ended today with a guilty verdict for the murders committed when he served as a Nazi death camp guard in German occupied Russia during WWII.

Earning the title ‘Ivan the Terrible’ for his frequent use of torture, indiscriminate terror killings of helpless inmates, and really lousy knock-knock jokes, Demjicunk evaded capture for nearly 65 years until caught living in the United States working as an part-time prison guard consultant at the Guantanamo prison complex in Cuba. Read more Ex-Nazi Guard on Trial for 29,999 Murders Expresses Regrets


Apple/Reddit Lawsuit: Biden Too Good for Kitty PrAwN$?

Apple today filed suit against the popular user community site Reddit over the use of a picture of Joe Biden during the vice-presidential debate.

Apple believes that they were first to claim use of the image as the logo for their Facetime application.

Reddit on the other hand, believes they were first to claim it for use as the avatar for their thread of, how shall we put this delicately, “pictures of teenage girls”. Read more Apple/Reddit Lawsuit: Biden Too Good for Kitty PrAwN$?


Hover Cars Will Not Help Us

Scientists have warned that placing too many emphases on hover cars may confuse car owners.

In an open letter to the car industry, a group of prestigious scientists from a variety of disciplines warn that if the car industry continues to hail the invention of the hover car as a turning point they are only going to be ‘disappointed’.

“It is important that the industry recognize that the proliferation of hover cars will not decrease traffic levels or ease traffic congestion.” The letter sates: “In fact it will be that same or worse.” Read more Hover Cars Will Not Help Us