Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating

GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy it and I would never do it again”.

The Mormon church expressly prohibits the ‘wonton spilling of one’s seed’ and forbids any type of orgasm before marriage, according to religious sources. Romney spent several years in Europe as a Mormon missionary before entering the business world.

Romney explained that during his time at Stanford University in 1965 he frequently came in contact with attractive women but most times managed to control his urge to masturbate.

“There was just one time I caught a peek under Sharon Miller’s skirt and this stimulated me. “I only stroked a few times but stopped when I considered the wrath of God”, Romney told Glossynews.

News officials are attempting to locate Ms Miller for comment.

Romney said despite his youthful indiscretion he urges young people not to masturbate and to simply wait for marriage before achieving orgasm.

“Orgasms are for producing offspring”, Romney continued. “I have five children. I have had five orgasms”.

Romney’s son Tagg said his father would sometimes embarrass when he was little him by asking, “how’s my little orgasm doing today?”

Mormon church officials claim Romney violated one of the sacred tenants of the church by masturbating but this one indiscretion alone should not qualify him for excommunication.

“But we might excommunicate him just for being such a dumb ass!” the official stated.

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Romney Post Debate Strategy: Flip-Flop More

The first presidential debate has inspired Romney campaign officials to change their overall strategy in order to gain a higher percentage of the upcoming vote.

After demonstrating his ability to completely drop previous positions, and offer new policies without concern of being able to deliver them, the campaign intends to continue to use this method over the remaining weeks of the campaign to break new ground and old promises.

While this will leave Gov. Romney with literally no true policy positions to offer in a post election victory, previous statements were so devoid of actual details that his senior strategists don’t foresee any issues with this new strategy.

Contacted on the campaign trail, top Romney advisor Ed Gillespie could not contain his excitement about finally finding the key to turning this election cycle around.

“We have always felt that the policies that were offered by our candidate were too focused on the conservative element of the electorate. The new policies that Gov. Romney is offering appeal to a wider cross section of the voting public. We were running without any specifics anyway so this is just a natural evolution toward total lack of detail.”

It remains to be seen if this will actually allow Gov. Romney to win the presidential election, but knowing that they never would have won otherwise it is a zero risk approach.

Recent polls show a swing towards Gov. Romney on the voter approval questions and this can be easily associated with his relaxed appearance as he describes various plans that he has no intention of implementing. As long as he can continue to avoid questions on the impact of the policies he may well have found his game changer.

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Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare

BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher. Read more Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare

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These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?

Let me see if I got this straight:

We have a national election going on.
Only two guys are really running in it.
Both are spending obscene amounts of money to campaign for it.
Mostly other people’s money.
Both are putting the other one down. Constantly.
Both are making promises they can’t keep.
Both have to kowtow to what the public wants.
Both have to go along with what their party wants.
Both have to devote the majority of their daily time to publicizing themselves for this election.
Both have to have lived lives virtually entirely bereft of scandal to have a chance at winning.
Both refuse to acknowledge the others good points. Read more These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?

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North Korea Develops Slingshot Capable of Reaching North Korea

SEOUL – North Korea’s official news agency today announced the development of a highly advanced slingshot capable of hitting its own territory or fifty feet, whichever comes first.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un spent time touring the new facility which is said to contain a five-foot-long rubber band that can shoot two large and dangerously pointy rocks with an accuracy of one thousand meters. Read more North Korea Develops Slingshot Capable of Reaching North Korea

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Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

SEYMOUR, IN – Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles.

Constructed in the 1920s, the barn, located in Seymour, Indiana, represents the single most fascinating sight between the cities of Louisville and Indianapolis, generally comprising a fleeting 40 seconds of journey time. Read more Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

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