Month: July 2012
GOP Eyes Watson the Computer as Front-Runner Candidate for 2012 Election
Last month, the nation was introduced to the world’s smartest computer: the IBM Watson. Watson is an example of the incredible strides made in artificial intelligence (A.I.). With four terabytes of storage capacity, including all of Wikipedia. Watson knows the…
Florida Gov. Rick Scott Steps Down Citing Medical Reasons
TALLAHASSEE — Florida Gov. Rick Scott stepped down today as leader of the Sunshine State after confidential reports surfaced, which we will not share. These private, personal, legally protected documents, which are confidential, prove the governor withheld a 2008 diagnosis…
IRS Admits Culpability in Mitt Romney Tax Return Controversy
Rumors are circulating that the IRS is contemplating an audit of Mitt Romney’s tax returns for the years 2002 to present, a full 10 year’s worth of returns. A spokesperson for the IRS claims that Romney’s staunch refusal to provide…
Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge
NEW YORK—Months of anticipation from techies and financial experts came to a close on Sunday as the results of the fourth annual Bloomberg Urban Innovation Challenge were announced. Despite the largest pool of contestants in the history of the competition,…
Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con
The world may, indeed, be coming to an end with news that Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, has decided this year to skip his annual trip to the secretive Bohemian Grove to attend Comic-Con 2012 in San Diego. “I couldn’t miss…
SpongeBob Confirms Gay Rumors
HOLLYWOOD, CA. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. Under pressure from media and various Christian organizations, SpongeBob Squarepants, in a rare public appearance yesterday from his home in Bikini Bottom, confirmed the many rumors circulating about his sexual orientation….
Congress and Senate Forced to Enroll in Hooked on Phonics
Congress has come under intense scrutiny in recent years for not reading the bills they pass. Regarding the recently passed health care bill Nancy Pelosi has gone on record stating “We have to pass the bill so that we can…
Students Rejoice at Permission to Call Professor Obama by First Name
AMERICA—Young people across the country got warm and fuzzy on Friday when Professor Barack Obama signed a class-wide email “Barack.” With the email, students now have unofficial but presumptive license to address Professor Obama by his first name.
More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)
Why is the nickname for CEO’s ‘Deepwater Horizon’? Because they leave an oily trail behind them wherever they go.
Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess
President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to…