FRIENDZONED! Loser Gove Homeless After Anti-Elitist ‘Business Experts’ Rant!

Business leader

Unlawful north of the M1 Michael Howard hiss-a-like and non-porcine-coke-snorting metrosexual career shitstirrer Michael Gove has just had his hopes of a stellar career at the very pinnacle of the UK political class cruelly dashed, after yet another ill-advised rant about experts gone wrong!

Completely misunderstanding the rules of the game, Magic Mike saw his chances of a world-renowned career as the most universally beloved Cayman yacht wanker since Gideon Osborne and Tony Blair disappear in a puff of smoke, at the 2019’s seminal Conservative Rich Ar$eholes, Criminal Killers, & Hellish English Arrogant Dickheads conference…
Or CRACKHEAD convention, as some of us like to call it!
In some just ever so SLIGHTLY misconceived attempt to fulsomely suck up to those he inexplicably considered to be his core voting base, dear old Goveybums ranted:

I think the people in this country have had enough of ‘business experts,’ and with all these elitist, out of touch south of the M1 ‘clever people’ and ‘wealth creators’ saying they know what is best for the average British worker, taxpayer and even benefits recipients, and getting it consistently wrong, purely because they have absolutely no bloody clue what they’re on about, and have never lived in the real world! Now listen to me: I’m not asking you to trust me, but to trust YOURSELVES! This country is yours, and it doesn’t belong to smug, complacent, Olympian smartarses who know absolutely nothing about the real world “THAT WE KNOW AND ENDURE!”

[SPOILER: I think he was talking about this guy, not this one!
… Oh, and probably not this one either!]
Gove was later disappointed to find his ‘pocket money’ and ‘bonus booty’ completely drying up in a matter of seconds.

What… Was it something I said????? How am I supposed to live on MP’s starvation wages… I thought railing against experts and all these irredeemably corrupt, idiotic and out of touch intellectuals, experts and clever people was an infallible path to power? I mean, isn’t that what we’re supposed to say then, after all?!

From the baroque security of his Evening Standard watchtower, a characteristically smug (not to say outright demonically maniacal!) George Osborne tutted and shook his head.

Alas, poor Gideon! I knew him well. Oh, the humanity, the bare humanity of it all! Now imagine, just imagine being so utterly, ludicrously gullible, so irredeemably, pathetically naive enough to think that railing against the elites and out of touch, arrogant smartarses who have destroyed this country somehow necessitated some kind of moral consistency? Well old chaps, next thing they’ll be telling us accusing all these backward, primitive dictatorships of state brutality, while simultaneously acting as a human buttplug for Assange’s tormentors and Le Boy Wonder Petit Macron’s genocidal rampage against the Yellow Jackets, is somehow ‘morally inconsistent’ as well! Oh dearie me, luvvies… Well I do suppose there’s a sucker born every minute, what hey my pretty darlings?!

Oh dear…

Hark! What was that then, Giddy old chap?

Scameron grunted, pulling his fork out of a simply scrumdiddlyumptious old gammon rump.

Never mind, Dave. I honestly can’t believe this pathetic old Jock thought Tory populism extended, by some utterly inexplicable leap of the imagination, to railing against wealth creators and predatory business capital. Just how stupid would the people have to be to think old Bojo had the slightest degree of interest in this pathetic Brexit of theirs, or anything else these pathetic pleb scum are constantly ranting and raving about?!

Dave slowly sighed and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of an incredible investment opportunity in Asia’s brightest up and coming future ally of his country…. Er, CORPORATION!

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!