Australians are well renowned (some would say infamous!) for their straight talking, a national trait which is enough to send even the customarily forthright Dutch and Russians screaming into their safe spaces.
However, the notoriously beer-unfriendly Saudi Arabia, stomping ground of the alleged plastic reformist Crown Prince Salman, has decided to expel all Australians from the KSA. And in a controversial move reminiscent of Donald Trump’s travel ban, Australians are now forbidden from setting foot on the (allegedly) holy ground of the Middle East’s most politically expedient theocratic backwater.
Whingeing Ozzies across the world are outraged, although whingeing Poms? Not so much.
As a response to widespread criticism from such leading lights as Justin Trudeau, Tony Blair and Dr Karl Kennedy, the Saudi authorities have provided a shocking catalogue of Australian crimes against piety.
In the last year alone, over 4 000 Australians have been arrested and whipped for alcohol offences; although this pales in comparison to such ale-ridden dystopian shithole countries as England, Germany, Russia, Liverpool and Chipping Norton.
The most shocking thing, however, is the horrendously detailed catalogue of blasphemy offences. Although Malcolm Turnbull has often pleaded for clemency, citing the importance of cultural diversity, the Saudi authorities have taken a deeply exclusionary and undiverse approach towards the good ole Ozzie straight talking of Australian immigrants … er, EXPATS!
Case Study 1
Dr Lou Chevrolet was angrily accosted in the street for openly pissing his liver right into next Friday evening’s meaninglessly vacuous soap opera re-run. When advised that he was breaking Sharia law, genial Lou’s face broken into his usual hearty, wise-cracking grin, as he roughly slapped the police boys on the shoulders, genially winking:
Ah, c’mon, mate! Everyone loves a good Carlton, eh?
Take a dry Corona can
And some cultural diversity will make yer ALL a happy man!
WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!
PUNISHMENT:
Summary public beheading.
(Think he enjoyed his drink though!)
Case Study 2
Miss Lucy Drongalong-Carter was idly knocking books about in the Islamic bookstore when she was asked, ‘The Holy Quran is a precious book! What are you doing, you dirty kaffir hoe!”
Lucy responded with her usual coyly dismissive bluntness:
I give ZERO FUCKS, mate!
PUNISHMENT:
Getting stoned with the Crown Prince’s cousins.
Case Study 3
Well-meaning Baptist Missionary Perceval Whackatrap was asked:
What do you think about the holy Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him?
Without a second’s thought, Pastor Zerofucks replied:
Oh, ole Mo? That boy?
Personally mate, I think he’s a bit of a wanker!
… Still, each to his own, I guess.
Although this was a fairly middle of the road hedge by Australian standards, it still didn’t seem to help his cause.
PUNISHMENT:
Permanent Bacha Bazi boy status in the royal harem; reviewable in 20 years, depending on good behaviour.
This is quite possibly the most controversial reform since the decision to use cars to execute women.
Still, the Islamic Republic and the Islamic State are far worse!
Aaaaaaaand anyway, Saudi Arabia are our allies, so I guess they can’t be that bad, eh?
How many more countries are going to follow suit, though, and ban the Ozzies?
BUILD THAT GODDAMN WALL ALREADY!
