ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”

According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men. Read the full story

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Read the full story

Big Bang theories that actually went ‘Bang!’, top quantum physics scientists arrested for belonging to Jolly Jihadi terrorist groups, toxic rhubarb gas leaking into the main critical mass vacuum chambers – and a legion of similar mysterious breakdowns – involving CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) – have begun to make the entire shebang appear like the world’s most FUBAR and jinxed experiment since the creation of Communism. Read the full story

Doomsday cults are big business these days. The Death by Chocolate Cult sadly disbanded.
Phoenix, AZ – It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned. Read the full story