Tag Archive | "apocalypse"

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes


Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
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Posted in Health, World NewsComments (9)

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan


The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan: Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, PoliticsComments (2)

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future


University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Read the full story

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World Disappointed Apocalypse Didn’t Come December 2012


It is hard to believe that is has been almost a year since the world ended December 21, 2012. There are plenty of memories we would all like scrubbed from our brains over the past year. Here are just a few in a long list of forgettable moments.

December 4, 2013: NBC News states that America is “21th in Science.” It was to everyone’s surprise that the USA ranked 17th in Reading. This was proof of the ever declining IQ of the average American. Read the full story

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Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control. Read the full story

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So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!


Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven’t decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Read the full story

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SatireWorld to give out free Mayan Calendars To Celebrate The Apocalypse


(SatireWorld.com) – One of the web’s leading satire sites has broken new ground in promoting its site by offering a free gift to readers… In this case a free Mayan Calendar!

Since December 21, 2012 is the supposed end of all mankind according to several religions and is also the end of the Mayan Calendar, the coincidence has allowed many to think the ancients had a forewarning of a rather bleak Christmas season to come. It has also sparked fear amongst the paranoid, and hopes among those who wish the world as we know it a speedy and violent end. Read the full story

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Jesus: “I Need a Militia Like I Need an A-hole on My Elbow”


ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”

According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men. Read the full story

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‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers


TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, Human InterestComments (4)

Higgs Boson Refuses to Come Clean on Universal Secrets


Big Bang theories that actually went ‘Bang!’, top quantum physics scientists arrested for belonging to Jolly Jihadi terrorist groups, toxic rhubarb gas leaking into the main critical mass vacuum chambers – and a legion of similar mysterious breakdowns – involving CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) – have begun to make the entire shebang appear like the world’s most FUBAR and jinxed experiment since the creation of Communism. Read the full story

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Posted in ScienceComments (2)

Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls It Quits


Doomsday cults are big business these days. The Death by Chocolate Cult sadly disbanded.
Phoenix, AZ – It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned. Read the full story

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