Yesterday, 15 October 2018, universally renowned and admired Young Earth Creationist Kent “Dr Dino” died in prison.
Best known for his bizarre ‘unicorn’ rants, based on a highly innovative ‘creative interpretation’ of Job 39.9, Hovind later fell from grace; convicted as a common felon, or some would say, a tax evader… er, protester!
Will the unicorn be willing to asserve thee (sic!), or abide by thy crib?
Poor old Kent is now making up his lonesome crib in hellfire; or if not that, at least one of the wilder, more wackadoodliest echelons of the $cientologist Hubbosphere!
Watch out for them goddamn freight trains, Kent!
But what actually happened?!
Well it seems that dear, dear, Dr Doolally Dino met his sad end at the hands of an enraged prison guard.
Kent was widely despised by prisoners and staff alike for his 20 hour stream of consciousness Joycean monologues.
It seems that one day, a prison guard just snapped completely, and let him have it!
One of his favourite short, snappy preaching proverbs was:
Things are real whether you believe in them or not.
It thus follows from this, that the Book of Genesis is most OBVIOUSLY and UNDENIABLY true!
In every possible conceivable manner! From A to Z! Just ask any Hebrew! It’s all 100% TRUE!
(NB: quote MILDLY trimmed down to size).
However, it seems the good ‘doctor’ wasn’t able to practice what he preached.
(Find out more about Patriot Bible University here! Don’t forget his edgy faeces thesis too! Well played, well panned!)
One day, dear old Kent held forth thusly:
Believing in electricity takes so much faith. How do YOU know electricity is real? Where’s the evidence? Show me the electricity. What about atoms? What about heat? All these things are entirely imperceptible. How is this any different from Scientology?!
What was meant to be a short ten hour ramble (crushingly short, by his standards!) ended up being a mere ten minutes! Like a thief in the night, the guard sprang up and rammed a live cable up his ass.
I don’t believe! I don’t believe! I just don’t believe! Where’s the evidence! Where’s the evidence! Where is it? I don’t believe! Where’s the evidence! Show me just one single original authorised King James 1611 verse where…
Kent shrieked, writhing and howling in agony.
As the prisoners rushed forth to assist him, howling with laughter, the guard finally removed the cable. The professional martyr’s final words were:
Forgiven this foolish old sinner, for he knows not what he does. Anyone who thinks it is possible to kill someone with electricity is deceived by the devil! Not a single Old Testament prophet or New Testament apostle mentioned electricity in the original King James Version that Jesus sp…
In went the cable for God’s final devastating thunderbolt of divine vengeance! (God meaning ‘Reason’ or ‘Logos,’ of course). This time, ten thousand volts of electricity fried Kent’s ass with a viciousness and severity that would have made Ignatius Loyola’s eyes water…
Let alone some pathetic, mediocre YEC fraudsterpreneur.
But sad to say, Kent Hovind’s death has gone largely unmarked by Christians more broadly. Mainly because even chemically insane wackjobs Ken Ham, Carl Wieland and Jonathan Sarfati considered him to be utterly demented! Well, if Answers in Genesis think you are just absolute CRAY-CRAY, you know you got problems!
On the plus side, fellow bong-smoking clerical nutjob Ayatollah Khameini has promised to dispatch war rocket Buraq, to bring back his body!
Misery loves company!