Little-Known Democrat Cover-Up Finally Unearthed: John Kerry Nuked the Onion!

A little known scandal from the Obama administration has recently surfaced:

And it’s not an imaginary wiretap!

(Or even a non-imaginary one).

Notable public figure, hilariously swiftboated, um, SWIFTBOAT political celebrity and darling of the MSNBC broadcasting-apologetical complex John Kerry was caught arbitrarily launching nukes at establishment satire media darling The Onion.

Huh? Say what?!

Oh, well, it’s just another cheap knock-off of the National Report.

Or indeed these guys…

Anyhoo!

The eminently memeable John Kerry has put his hermeneutical philosophy of ‘The Constitution is a living document’ into practice via a creative reinterpretation of the First Amendment…

By blowing the crap out of The Onion with a nuclear warhead, purely because he didn’t like what they were saying about him.

For the first time in US State Department history, the decision was a rather erratic or even irrational one.

Well, yeah! I mean, most satire outlets have been much, much, much more critical of this all-American hero than The Onion.

Even if any conceivable list may (or may not) be a little selective… like (or unlike) Hillary Clinton’s release of emails.

Depends on how you look at it, I suppose.

Or not?

Still, it’s not the first time John Kerry has threatened to commit a brave act of radical foreign policy performance theatre by submitting a notable satire outlet to humanitarian liquidation. But I won’t post any evidence here, in case the NSA are watching. (Nope! Not the GOP kind of ‘NSA!’)

And Kerry is always sending ‘unspecified threats’ to a certain notable satire outlet.

Still, Kerry has finally flipped his shit, flip-flopped about his targets, and nuked The Onion.

Or did he?

Sheesh, that shit’s getting real old…

Well, no, it’s not.

😉

Yeah, it’s REALLY NOT.

Apparently Kerry was pissed at a pathetically sycophantic puff-piece about him in the Onion. Nah! I’m not going to quote it. I mean, these guys are not exactly The Spoof, are they?

Still, off the top of my head, I imagine the scene in the Pentagon as follows (so in that case, I’ve already outstripped Fox/MSNBC in truthy terms by some distance):

I guess, from one perspective, no shameless flattery is bad shameless flattery, and The Onion have performed such a great and noble service for American democracy and the entire freedom and wellbeing of the entire Cosmos, unto the boundless ages and ages of everlasting eternity…

That there is nothing in the immortal and beauteous imaginations of Dante Alighieri, John Bunyan, Michelangelo, Adi Shankara or Guru Nanak, that could even begin to touch upon the matchless and eternal bliss and felicity that The Onion have infinitely, and without qualification, and without any uncongenial caveats on clunky syntax from a notable All-America-Hero, deserved and earned.

But the other side of this dilemma, which is equally true, and of equal strategic importance, is that these contemptible, degenerate, morally bankrupt assholes are the absolute scum of the Earth, they are immeasurably worse than ISIS, and they should be wiped off the face of the Earth in the most utterly remorseless and callous way possible!

No! I’m pressing this button! This one time, I’m not gonna change my mind!

Oh…

Oh, wait… do you think this is maybe a little bit imprudent.

Well, no… very imprudent indeed.’

Actually no, it’s not bad at all! This is it! BANG!!!

Oh…. Oh wait, or is it?

Well, I’m not sure if I should have…

Hey, do you think we could kind of like, you know, recall the missile I’ve just launched? You know, like when all those Republican guys have to recall a flirty Craiglist message…

OK, well I guess non-Reps do that too, right?

Well no, not in precisely the same way, maybe?

Recall it? Non-recall it? Non-non-recall it?

No? You mean no-yes or no-no?

Oh. Shit. I’ve really f***’d up, haven’t I? This is a complete disaster, right?

Nah. On second thoughts, maybe it isn’t…

Who cares! I’m going to grab a cappuccino.

Or maybe a whiskey.

Swings and roundabouts?

Well… maybe not.

Well hey, it’s all semantics, right?

Hmm… maybe.

Or… well, anyhoo!

How have some prominent global powerholders have reacted to this entirely inconsequential and trivial event?

No, just this once, I’m not being ironic. Yes, it is ENTIRELY inconsequential and trivial. I mean it’s only The Onion, after all!

Global reactions to John Kerry’s recent principled and well-meaning act of humanitarian intervention have been mixed. He may have wiped the illegitimately respected and unaccountably venerated amateur satire editorial regime of The Onion off the face of the earth, but this alone hasn’t enabled him to win more friends to influence.

We’ll start off with interviewing two prominent figures from the international community first, because these are the important guys (or at least, so they claim). We’ll then move out to get a broader perspective. Join us next time.

How have people received John Kerry’s recent nuclear annhilation of The Onion? We’ll start off with Hillary Clinton.

Now listen here, young man. With all due respect, reporter… which ain’t very much, let’s be…

Ah, HONEST…

Erm…

Well anyway, why so fastidious? Huh?

I mean, you know, maybe Iran are, say, just a few decades ahead of schedule in developing nukes and this is the first salvo of several hundred ones in the coming days and weeks that will be hitting city after city in the USA, endangering countless American citizens….

Or maybe there are one or two or however many; say, a million radical extremist jihadis, anti-abortion advocates and wildcat business guys, launching innumerable nuclear warheads all over the place, and let the chips fall where they may….

Or maybe North Korea have just started aggressively launching these nuclear warheads at various hostile nations, i.e. at pretty much everyone on earth, such that unless they are stopped, their actions are certain to result in a final, cataclysmic nuclear winter that will kill every last living creature on earth…

I mean, it could have been ANYTHING! But seriously…c’mon! WHO CARES!

I mean…

(Yup! Wait for it…)

WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MAKE!!!

Well, if these nuclear explosions are happening all over the USA, maybe you need to do something about it?

Now that’s QUITE ENOUGH of your CODED SEXISM, young man! Do you want to be sent to GUANTANAMO BAY?

Another well-beloved presidential candidate from a universally admired and respected political Duck dynasty, um, dynasty, um FAMILY, Jebbed me up on the correct shit:

That unpatriotic BASTARD! I just CAN’T BELIEVE Kerry committed such a vile and barbaric terrorist atrocity on our soil!

Huh? You gone pinko already? Lefty, PLEASE! You spending too much frickin’ time with Rand Paul?

I mean, he’s not even a proper anti-interventionist anyway by now. Who is there left in the GOP who could POSSIBLY have turned you off the path?

You frickin’ KIDDING me? Who told you I was UPSET about him killing all those stupid pinko civilians? Who fricken’ cares! WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!

Nah! My beef with this despicable, screaming, salad-munching pinko weasel is this…

Yeah, you see that crater? Huh?! What kinda PATHETIC EXCUSE for a lame-ass nuclear explosion is THAT? Even that feeble, compromising, enemy-enabling little pussy, Harry Truman, would hang himself in shame for a punk-ass little dibble in the ground like THAT!

Hell YEAH! I swear to you, boy, when I’m President, we won’t have any of this pathetic Democrat red-lining. When I come and blow your town to blazes, you’d better bloody believe I’m gonna BLOW YOUR TOWN TO BLAZES!

Yup! This kind of half-hearted, pacifistic, half-assed annihilation of large urban settlements is tantamount to TREASON… and if there’s one thing you’ll NEVER see a Bush doing, it’s committing treason!’

After this, I shifted my focus from the tediously narrow circle of the entire international community to a much broader global perspective.

Japan’s Shinzo Abe was somewhat on edge about John Kerry’s recent courageous 1st Amendment act, which has guaranteed the inalienable right to be heard of the American, uh, the Beltway people, for generations to come:

Hm. The last thing I need is the hardcore historical revisionists and militarists in Japan hearing about this. They’re going to claim that North Korea did it, so that they can have an excuse to attack them.

Ah, this is a terrible distraction. I mean, I’m busy trying to think of a really original and innovative policy initiative to go beyond my ‘Three Arrows’ economic policy.

Yes, that will really make me look even smarter and more patriotic than ever.

How about ‘Four Arrows?’

Ah! Now that’s something.

You’re… you’re a GENIUS! If you ever feel like a top post at the Japanese Treasury, do make sure you let me know. We’re trying to reduce corruption and nepotism, and we think you might have just the skills to stop all these arbitrary appointments. I mean, you are doing so well with that in the UK right now, aren’t you?

China’s Xi Jinping was deeply irritated about the incident:

They have nuked their own citizens on their own soil for speaking ill of US foreign policy. So much for being the greatest defenders of freedom and democracy!

Well, aside from those details, how did you feel about The Onion in general?

Well… in fairness, I always thought The Onion’s coverage of China was more accurate than Fox and MSNBC.

But I guess that wouldn’t be hard. Not really saying much, is it?

Well, yeah. I see a pattern emerging here. Famously non-satire media outlets like Fox and MSNBC have all the best tunes, but then again, so does the Devil (insofar as Fox/MSNBC and Satan are distinguishable).

Well, I mean, what Xi Jinping says about China coverage is pretty much true about F ‘n’ M coverage of just about anywhere.

Finally, a bit of genuinely bad news…

The first bit of bad news in the whole of this three-parter article, presumably.

That’s right. I couldn’t get a specific statement from Kim Jong Eun.

However, on the plus side, ol’ Kim was at least paying attention to my request for a quote, and didn’t just ignore the fact a notable media figure was asking him for info.

Yup! The contact in North Korea who passed on my request to Kim Jong Eun ended up with a gargantuan volley of heavy-impact cruise missiles in his ass…

Along with several generations of his family, innumerable side-branches of his family tree, and the nearest 900 or so significant urban settlements.

Still, no need to worry. The calculation of how much collective punishment to impose was conducted purely according to…

Yes, that’s right:

‘The purely objective and value-free given constraints and opportunities.’

Well…. It looks like North Korea are finally learning at last! 😉

Image attribution:

Pixabay.

Originally published:

The Spoof, Part 1 and Part 2.

Further reading:

John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden

John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews: Syrian Cooking Pots…

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