Tag Archive | "John Kerry"

Gone But Not Forgotten: John Kerry Meme Tribute


 The High Sultan of Flip-Flop will soon shuffle mournfully off the political scene. But let’s remember some of the highlights of John Kerry’s career.

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Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest


AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.”

Additional leaked documents show that the European negotiators were “horrified” at the prospect of American pop bands entering the beloved Song Contest, with one French negotiator protesting that “American pop is even lower than kitsch and unworthy of Eurovision.”

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Batshit Woo Peddler John Kerry Declares War on Lord Xenu


John Kerry is a man of the world, but now his flip-flopping has soared astronomically, to the point where it’s on a genuinely cosmic scale.

Yes: no longer content with threatening the leaders of weak, divided countries in the Middle East with abject destruction, Kerry is turning his achingly dynamic turrets on a higher target:

Lord Xenu!

So, let’s see where we go with this one. Read the full story

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Putin Puts In His Pugnacious Presence to Punitively Preempt and Perhaps Plunder the Syrian Proceedings Plight


Obama and other world leaders were sitting around the UN private lounge contemplating what to do about the Syrian crisis that was disturbing all of the Mideast and Europe. Depression had set in due to the difficulties that had arisen over the situation that seemed to escalate no matter what their efforts were. And it all was basically because of one man- Bashar al-Assad, the dictator of Syria.

The X-Box like control mechanism that determined the bombings of the day lay on a table between them. No one had the enthusiasm to touch it.

Suddenly the door burst open and an energetic presence entered.

“Greetings Comrades. I am here to solve the Syrian problem!” The unusually smiley face of Vladimir Putin greeted all the seated dignitaries as he hurriedly went around the circle of sofas shaking hands. “I am the answer to all your difficulties!” Read the full story

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John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden


US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him”.

“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to com back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”

Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.

“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”

Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.

“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”

Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.

“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.

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Netanyahu, Abbas agree to peace talks; listening doubtful


This reporter has gained exclusive access to the agreements between Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that would allow the twenty-year old peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority to resume. The arrangements were brokered by U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry. Read the full story

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To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill


Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.

“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”

Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.

“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”

74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.

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Interview with Israeli Foreign Minister John Kerry


My request to interview the Israeli Foreign Minister about Syria was granted, but I was surprised to find John Kerry at the appointment. “Israel and the U.S. have such a close relationship,” he explained, “that each can speak for the other. I rarely have to ask for guidance, so you will get the same answers from either of us, and the same honesty, too.”

RIGHT: John Kerry recites the Pledge of Allegiance. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints


United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

“I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa” stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe. Read the full story

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Secretary Kerry Denies Arms For Syrian Handicapped


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