Tag Archive | "the onion"

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead


A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Read the full story

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Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion


Napsanotices, Illinois – Following the advice of her trustworthy coworker on Tuesday, 27 year old, Jane DeWitt of the suburbs just outside of Chicago decided to purchase the ingredients for a roast brisket in order to comply with her coworker’s recommendation that she read the onion because of her desire to try new things and the belief that she would get a kick out of it.

“As soon as I got close enough to read the lines on the inner white rings, I knew that I had grabbed the wrong onion,” said a tearful DeWitt, while suffering from a bad case of dacryoadenitis.

DeWitt’s coworker of five years, Juliet Barone, had referred her to an article of the late Dick Clark poking fun at Ryan Seacrest from beyond the grave for his horrible performance on New Year’s Eve. Barone described the article as “the funniest and most accurate thing she had ever read,” in her proposal to DeWitt. “Even though I had the wrong onion, I still got a memorable laugh. Next time, I will purchase the red one that the recipe calls for,” added DeWitt.

Despite having an overpowering odor when being cut, the onion or allium cepa is the world’s most popular vegetable and was first cultivated more than 5,000 years ago in ancient Egypt.

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Alaska, All The Reasons Convicts Want To Live Here


Alaska is the land of pristine beauty, untouched by humankind, except for those dirty Russians, Sarah Palin, Exxon-Mobil, and the random arctic hillbilly hiding out from the federal government. But there are plenty of reasons to live here, and rather than tell you what they are, we’re just going to provide a photograph and call that good enough. Read the full story

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Holy Lord, We’re the 2nd Longest Running Satire Site


“Holy tap-dancing Christ,” said editor Brian K. White on Monday, when he realized that GlossyNews.com is in fact the second longest running satire site on the internet.

“There were so many greats that came before us, and sure it was just by a narrow margin, but they did beat us,” said White. “And I know a lot of the other ones fell [offline], but I didn’t realize it was down to just us and The Onion.” Read the full story

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Onion Intern Fired for Suggesting Satire on Obama Actually be Directed at Obama


CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media).

Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his editor to actually satirize President Obama. And no, he wasn’t kidding.

“Seriously?!” exclaimed the unbelieving editor. “Everyone (well at least I thought everyone) knows when we say bring us satire on Obama, that doesn’t mean satirize Obama! It means bring us something that merely uses Obama to make fun of the idiots on the other side.”

“But I thought we were supposed to be creating and defending the satire of politics, not the politics of satire?” replied the dimwitted intern quite dimwittedly.

“You see, there’s your problem: you thought. Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.”

It seems this is not the first time this particular moron has been told to ‘hit the bricks.’ His resume shows previously employment with The Daily Show for exactly one hour and before that, SNL, for much less.

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GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion


Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover.

As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and their print publication are actually the result of GlossyNews’ hardworking contributors. You should expect an increase in the wittiness of the material published.

GlossyNews is now running surveillance on ColbertNation to determine if it’s worth taking over as well.

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GlossyNews Swallows [Pride] and Merges with Twitter


Following a precipitous plummet in readership, the once formidable political satire site Glossynews announced today that it will be merging with Twitter to create internet’s the first 140 character satire site.  Glossynews found itself in trouble shortly after insisting on well-edited pieces, much to the ire of thousands of aspiring writers who produced copious amounts of material for the site. Read the full story

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‘The Onion’ Publishes an Issue of True Stories


Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Read the full story

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