Tag Archive | "United Nations"

Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented. Read the full story


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International MH370 Search Efforts To Be Unified Under “Operation Wild Goose”

Responding to criticism that search efforts for the ill fated Flight 370 have been unfocused, haphazard and confusing, United Nations Secretary-General Ban-ki-moon announced today that all future efforts will be directed by one authority under the title “Operation Wild Goose”. Read the full story


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North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US

The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.

“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry.

Kirby claims that North Korean prisoners are being denied due process, starved, are frequently beaten and denied health care much like prisoners at Guantanamo.

“Other countries are supposed to do as we say, not as we do”, said Cori Crider, Guantanamo Counsel and Strategic Director.

Crider would not comment on the other ‘secret prisons’ the US has around the world simply saying “that’s not my job”

In addition, the committee expressed concern over North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal claiming it resembles a tiny version of the US nuclear arsenal.

“Granted, they have only one ten thousandth the strength of our nuclear arsenal but we are us and they are them”, said Brigadier General Les More, an Air Force spokesman. “It comes down to US vs THEM. And US always wins!”


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Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council

Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and creative ways of advancing Israel’s agenda are often rewarded with career advancement.)

RIGHT: Samantha Power completes her training. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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U.S. Denied Nuke Permit, Goes Ballistic

In the eight weeks since the legalization of Nuclear Weapons, a dozen nations or so have applied for permits. The deadline for initial approval or rejection of Nuke permits is officially here, and the international community opened their letters this morning.

The United States reports to being miffed at receiving a polite letter of decline. Read the full story


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Snubbed the Cast of “Jersey Shore,” Kim Jong Il Attacks S. Korea

SEOUL, South Korea — Fourteen South Korean Marines and two South Korean civilians were injured after North Korea fired dozens of shells at a South Korean border island on Monday. The attack comes only days after it was discovered that North Korea was pressing ahead with its illegal nuclear program.

South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak scrambled jet fighters, moved civilians into shelters and called an emergency security meeting with his advisors, a presidential spokesman told reporters. In light of North Korea’s admission of having built a new uranium enrichment facility, which violates its international obligations, tensions have escalated across the globe. Read the full story


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Obama Gets Tough with Iran: Leaves Bitchy Note on UN Desk

Washington, DC (GlossyNews): In its toughest rhetoric yet, the Obama Administration lashed out at Iran’s ongoing nuclear enrichment program. Iran maintains the program is only intended to develop a domestic nuclear fuel source for civilian electrical power generation, an explanation critics dismiss as a thinly veiled excuse to develop nuclear weapons.

The strongly worded statement was delivered on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly in the form of a post-it note left attached to a reading lamp on the desk of the Iranian Delegation over a lunch break late last week. Read the full story


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Bob Dylan Offers Help to a Mixed Up World: World Indifferent

GARY, Indiana, (GlossyNews) — Sixties icon Bob Dylan appeared, in all of his monochromatic splendor, at the National Press Club this week, announcing a new chapter in what’s already been an amazing career. Said the legendary balladeer, whom some consider the American version of Carl Sandburg, “Iben woando sum further you in furlong tom.” Read the full story


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Ugandan Child Soldiers Call “No tags-back” After Attack

Kampala, Uganda (GlossyNews) — Standing proud amidst the smoldering remains of fuel trucks and personnel carriers, 11-year old Ogwambi Sumwego, a commander in the Youth Corps of the Lord’s Resistance Army, screamed “no tags-back” to the fleeing government soldiers.

According to the small-statured Sumwego and his band of pre-teen freedom fighters, the proclamation was meant to assure there would be no retribution for the swift and brutal attack on Ugandan Army troops and supplies.

“I called it,” Sumwego announced while high-fiving his vicious but socially awkward preadolescent soldiers. Read the full story


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UN Official Fired – For Telling Truth

The top UN official recently fired from his post for the unforgivable crime of telling the truth and criticising Afghanistan’s presidential election has publicly castigated the entire UN mission in the country. Peter Galbraith informed the Neo-Colonial Gazette the $300 zillion per annum mission – employing several thousand personnel – is now “leaderless” and summed up the UN special envoy as an ‘egoistic dog wanker’. Read the full story


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Libyan Nut-Job Enthralls UN Assembly w/ Rambling Yarn

It was meant to be a day of global reconciliation, when the new Kenyan Messiah of the Free World (sic) would miraculously wipe clean the slate of the past eight years of Neo-Colonial Imperialist US hatred and herald an era of unity and brotherly love under the New World Order’s military-industrial Zionist jackboot. Read the full story


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