Tag Archive | "NRA"

2023: With Half of America Shot, NRA Insists “More Guns”


Timeline- April 23, 2023
Place- Washington, D.C., or what is left of it.

The National Rifle Association and Congress again face off against each other over the never ending debate over gun control.

Once again it took a major massacre, this time the entire State of Delaware, to get the opposing factions to meet. While the grieving relatives of those who died in the attack by New Jersey attended the mass burial in Delaware which took up the entire state, the debate raged on again in the Senate Halls.

RIGHT: An image of Wayne LaPierre as he may appear in 2023. We ran it through an aging filter, but he just looks the same. I guess he’s maxed out his age already, leading us to believe he’ll likely be dead by then.

The death of every single person living in the State of Delaware brings the total number of dead in the last ten years to 157 million, exactly half the country at the time of the 2020 census.

NRA President David Keene started off the discussion, “I wish to make it clear, there is and never has been a need for gun control. It is merely a plot by the government to take away our guns so that they can have a totalitarian system.”

“No need for gun control?” stammered House Majority leader Chelsea Clinton. “ How can you even think that? Half the country is dead from gunshot wounds! How can you justify that?”

“It was simply bad people shooting other people. We can’t help it if there are bad people. We should make a mandate that all bad people should be sterilized so that they cannot have kids. That would solve the situation.” replied Keene blandly.

“Would that be like the idea that LaPierre had back in 2013 when he said that all schools should have armed guards? “ stated an exasperated Senator Susan Sarandon from California. The one that all schools did and every school system in America went bankrupt because it was the last straw for already cash strapped communities? Yeah, I think we all remember that one! Since then we’ve slipped to being a second world nation where half the population cannot read or write. Half the population that is still alive, that is!”

“Now that cannot be blamed on us, Senator. We too have to have money to survive on and we do quite well for ourselves.”

“Well, I suppose that is not too hard when you are the spokesman for every gun manufacturer in the world.’ came back Clinton.

“I don’t see no problem with people havin’ their little playtoys.” interjected Legislator Bristol Palin.

“Would you consider an Uzi a playtoy? “ snipped Sarandon.

“Oh, whatever!” exclaimed Palin. “Uzi, schmoozie! I think it is perfectly OK to have any guns you want. I think God wants us to have as many guns as we want. What is good enough for God is good enough for me.”

“Gentlemen!” shouted Senator Sarandon. A full half of our countrymen are rotting in untimely graves. I say it is high time for some changes! Guns meant for military use should not be in the hands of private citizens. Who else must die to get the changes we need?”

“All of you.” grinned Keene malevolently, his hand going to his mouth in realization of his Freudian slip.

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Roque LA Officer Chris Dorner Proposed NRA Speaker


In a move that is even stunning for the NRA, a speaking offer has been made to former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner to speak at the next NRA convention.

The decision has many inside the organization questioning the overall impact it will have on their current negative publicity. Read the full story

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Pentagon: arming Syrian rebels saves lives; NRA agrees


According to testimony at a hearing of the U.S. Senate Armed Services Committee, the Pentagon, Defense Department and CIA presented a plan to supply weapons to Syrian rebels for the purpose of saving lives. The U.S. currently supplies only humanitarian and non-lethal aid such as intelligence assessments and maps of where to kill people. American weapons are also supplied to the rebels, but only after first being transferred to other countries like Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan and Turkey so that someone other than the U.S. can deliver them. In some cases it also means that someone else pays for them, as well. Read the full story

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Beavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre’s Windshield


Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre’s car, according to a police report.

The acting duo are best known for playing a pair of dim-witted, awkward teenage delinquents in a popular animated television series. They said the stunt aimed at the National Rifle Association spokesman serves as a “warning shot,” calling themselves “two good guys with a gun.” Read the full story

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The Amending Of The Amendments- We Take A Trip Back To 1789


Welcome dear readers as we take a trip through time back to when our forefathers were writing that fateful and world famous bit of legislation so beloved and contested over in our time, the Amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America, otherwise known as the Bill of Rights. We hover now above them, fully able to see and hear all that transpires below: Read the full story

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Pro-Gunners Disapprove Label “Sandy Hookers”


In an unsurprising turn of events, the pro-gunners like Wayne LaPierre of the NRA have come out publicly to insist they do not like being called “Sandy Hookers”. They have also said they don’t like being called “pro-gunners”.

“Just because we feel the tragic events at Sandy Hook shouldn’t be politicized doesn’t mean you can call us Sandy Hooker,” explained Todd Halford, a Tea Party activist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Read the full story

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NRA Members Suffering From Selective Hearing Disorder – I SAID, “NRA MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM HEARING DISORDER”


Scientists have begun a study of NRA members who seem to have a vacillating hearing problem in which most of their die hard publicum hear certain things in clarity and then on others are fuzzy.

“It is a really strange phenomena.” stated Irving Earwig, a specialist with the “Can You Hear Me Now?” Ear Institute of Huh?, Mississippi. “If you say to them ‘The government is not taking away your guns, they only want to limit high chambered guns and guns of mass destruction.’ Read the full story

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U.S. Congressman defends citizen right to all weapons


U.S. Congressman Ted Yoho (Republican – Florida) has come out in favor of American citizens owning the same weapons as the U.S. military. “On guns, [my constituents] were saying that the sentiment, when you read the Second Amendment, is that the militia had the same equipment as the military to protect them against the tyrannical government,” said Yoho. “I think it’s more important today than ever, that we uphold our second amendment.”

RIGHT: U.S. Congressman Ted Yoho (R-FL) opens the way for personal nukes. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Teenager Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre, Sean Hannity


National Rifle Association CEO and gun-rights martyr Wayne LaPierre likely was not expecting to be shot at as he celebrated the day after Gun Appreciation Day by shooting off his mouth with Sean Hannity on the Fox Comedy Network.

LaPierre said he considered Gun Appreciation Day a “big victory” for unsuspecting Americans in places like North Carolina, Indiana and Ohio, who came to pro-gun rallies to celebrate their 2nd Amendment freedom, not to shoot themselves. Read the full story

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Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem


FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its brilliant wit and insight.

The satirical news article, which combined the irreverent humor of The Onion with the sharp comedic incisiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, had gun rights defenders and gun control advocates nodding their heads in laughter and agreement. Read the full story

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NRA Suggestion to Weed Out Crazies Met w/ Unexpected Results


The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them.

As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocent formed pieces of metal that, of their own accord, would never want to hurt an ant. No. It is when bad people or crazy people get a hold of them and do bad things. Read the full story

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New Law Requires Gun Manufacturers to Clean Up Post-Massacre Mess


A new wrinkle in the gun control debate has come about. Sick of the inordinate control that gun makers have over our society and the political influence that have upon our government, a massive petition campaign has brought about a new law making gun makers responsible for cleaning up the mess left after a mass shooting.

After another mall massacre in California, the Bushmaster Firearms International Corporation, the companies whose gun the psycho used to blast 6 people, had to go in with trash bags and pick up the blasted pieces of flesh left scattered by the ferocity of the gun used. Read the full story

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Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools


WASHINGTON D.C. – Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed at banning the use of schools.

Chairman of Capital Arms – a firearms advocacy group in Washington D.C. – Todd Bryant insisted Tuesday that “tragedies like Newtown could have been prevented if kids didn’t have such easy access to educational buildings.” Read the full story

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NRA Opens Gaza Chapter


The National Rifle Association announced today the opening of its new chapter in the Palestinian Gaza Strip. Wayne LePire, NRA Executionary Vice President, said the establishment of an NRA chapter in Gaza was long overdue.

RIGHT: The NRA’s new Gaza office. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Raise Your Hands For Gun Control Then.. .Drop Your Pants


SatireWorld.com – Sure, lets enact a true “Law on Firearms and Ammunition.” This law will require anyone who owns a firearm, or who wants to own a firearm in the future, to register their intentions with our Federal authorities and apply for a simple permit and a universal Firearm ID card. Read the full story

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FBI Fears NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Fits Profile of Lone Gunman


Wayne LaPierre, notorious leader of the gun cult religion known as the NRA, is under investigation by the FBI as fitting the profile of the notorious ‘lone gunman’ so prevalent in modern American literature and films.

His stoney faced demeanor, extreme viewpoints, non-compromising attitude, arsenal of guns and misanthropic disposition fit exactly into the model picture that has evolved in criminology science as being ‘the lone gunman’ persona. Read the full story

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