SAN FRANCISCO, California (Glossy News) – With the recent call of progressive groups in San Francisco demanding that McDonald’s no longer be allowed to include a toy with every happy meal, the company has shifted focus away from food and has come up with what they believe is a perfect compromise to the situation.

Beginning next week, when families with children drive up to the nearest McDonald’s and order a Happy Meal, they will receive a simple bag with one burger, one small fries and one small drink and be on their way, sans toy. Read the full story

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930′s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Read the full story

SEVRES, France (GlossyNews) — At their recent General Conference, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) chose to define the kilogram — roughly equal to about 2.2 lbs and the base unit of metric mass in standard scientific measurements and calculations — to be precicely 1/100th the mass of Travis Phillips, a warehouse manager for a Chicago-area Best Buy distribution center. Read the full story

MUNICH, Germany (GlossyNews) — U2 front man Bono underwent emergency back surgery on May 21, 2010, while preparing for the American leg of the band’s “360 Degree” international tour. U2, having sold an estimated 150 million records, is arguably the world’s most successful band. Any significant disruption to the concert series would deal a heavy blow to both fans and Live Nation, the promotions company responsible for handling U2’s merchandising, touring and branding rights. Read the full story

After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin — a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep — plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES, CA — Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females. Read the full story

Honolulu, HI (GlossyNews) — Acerbic Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a Honolulu hospital this morning for what doctors say is an overload of ‘bile’.

Limbaugh’s press spokesman Carson Cobain said he had little information. “Rush usually takes off this time of year to beef up for the coming season. All I know is he’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. Luckily Rush can afford the best treatment in the world. He’d be screwed if he worked for Wal Mart.” Read the full story

In the city of Memphis, it is not a rare thing to walk through the streets and be completely blown away at the filth found lurking around every grotesque corner.  Men, women, and teenagers alike are using their bodies as a breeding ground for a devastating disease known as HIV/AIDS.  Sexual encounters are being witnessed between two women, two men, and men and women.  Young adults and older adults alike roll up their sleeves, tie a piece of cloth as a tourniquet above their elbow, and grit their teeth as they shoot up their drug of choice. Read the full story

Unbeknownst to most animals, they are among the chaseable creations. I have proven that even scavenger and parasite species that require our presence to survive are never more than a few rapid steps away from being chased. Research further proves that these chased critters just love being pursued. Read the full story

Among the rarest of cancers comes cancer of the testes. Glossy News brings you these helpful tips to keeping your balls healthy. Read the full story