Posted on 05 March 2017.
President-select Donald Trump, in a presidential huff of not-my-jobbery, quickly fled to Mar-a-Lago in Florida, as the right to consume recreational Marijuana was heating up in the King Lobster State of Maine.
“I think it’s important for states to decide what is and isn’t legal,” said Trump, referring to the suppression of LGBTQ rights, while adding, “But this marijuana. You know what that is, right? It’s drugs. Very bad stuff. We have to get rid of it.”
Trump allegedly called his “good friend Jason Trodo” to ask what Canada would pay to take Maine “off our hands.” While Prime Minister Justin Tredeau wasn’t opposed to annexing Maine, which the majority New Hampsharts already consider Canada, the deal-breaker was the requirement for 611 miles of “Mexican-proof cement walls, with gold trim at the top, because it looks better that way.” Read the full story
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 07 April 2016.
Greetings, American Refugees,
On behalf of the people of Canada, we would like to welcome you to our country. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. We’re starting to worry about your nation’s apparent complete psychological breakdown. You were doing so well these past eight years with President Obama.
He seemed like an awfully nice fellow. We’re not really sure what has caused your country to go off the rails, but as we’ve watched your presidential election primary coverage, it appears millions of your fellow Americans have gone utterly bonkers. Read the full story
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 03 March 2014.
Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
Read the full story
Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, World News
Posted on 22 November 2013.
Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all 45 minutes of a Question Period, from beginning to end, there’s a statistically significant chance that your face will melt off of your skull and land in your lap. Read the full story
Posted in Politics
Posted on 19 August 2013.
The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you.
Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north. Read the full story
Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial
Posted on 14 September 2012.
Much of the conflict that resulted in the First World War was fostered in the various alliances that countries bound themselves to in the years leading up to the conflict.
In the Information Age, a similar dynamic had predicated itself in social media relationships between various countries and their leaders, leading to tenuous diplomatic bonds and disputes that threaten to push the world to the brink of war. Read the full story
Posted in Internets Tubes
Posted on 12 August 2012.
The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you. Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north. Read the full story
Posted in Society
Posted on 23 March 2012.
DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”
The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read the full story
Posted in Sports
Posted on 08 August 2011.
A recent disturbing discovery by a North Dakotan historian has revealed a disturbing fact about one of the least popular states in the union- the fact that it is not a state.
John Rolczynski has discovered that the governor and the state deputies at the time of it’s founding never took the oaths of office necessary to give North Dakota statehood. Read the full story
Posted in World News
Posted on 11 August 2010.
ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.
Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Read the full story
Posted in Politics, Strange People
Posted on 18 July 2010.
The horror! The horror!
This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.
The horror! The horror! Read the full story
Posted in Biz News, Travel
Posted on 31 January 2010.
This scene was captured by one of our authors last week, but we can’t publish it under her name because she was subsequently disqualified for using performance enhancing substances. We will still publish it, but we can’t give her credit, and our thanks to Roger Freed for picking up the torch where she passed out, even if he didn’t edit the text for length, readability or any sort of journalistic integrity. Read the full story
Posted in Sports Events
Posted on 24 January 2010.
What is left of the city of Detroit was dismantled and shipped to Illinois this week. The Motor City, long beset by declines in the automotive industry and general economy, has given up the ghost as a separate city entity and will be rebuilt as a new suburb of Chicago called ‘Floyd’. The once proud Midwestern City that saw its heyday as the center of American automotive might has long languished from the onslaught of foreign cars that are smaller, more compact and reasonably priced, much like the foreigners themselves.
The whole endeavor is a slap in the face to the remaining Detroitonians. Read the full story
Posted in Biz News
Posted on 23 December 2009.
Paris, TX — Canada, once one of America’s staunchest allies in North America and a bulwark against growing aboriginal unrest and encroachment of the Scandinavian powers, continues to befuddle the West.
In the 1950s, 60s, and 70s Canada, with the backing of the US and England, grew to prominence in North America. Canada became a ‘strongman’ and a policeman that the West could rely on in a sea of continuous turmoil in a region troubled by the growing influence of capitalism and rock and roll. Read the full story
Posted in World News
Posted on 24 August 2008.
Perhaps you’ve heard of Canada, it’s the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation “not having a reputation,” marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not. Read the full story
Posted in Sports Events