Tag Archive | "canada"

Canadians Obsessed with American Politics, seek to Vote as Honourary Americans


Thousands of Canadians are lobbying the United States government to allow them to vote as honourary Americans in US elections, despite their lacking US citizenship, because they know more about the United States than Canada.
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Dear American Refugees, Welcome to Canada


Greetings, American Refugees,

On behalf of the people of Canada, we would like to welcome you to our country. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. We’re starting to worry about your nation’s apparent complete psychological breakdown. You were doing so well these past eight years with President Obama.

He seemed like an awfully nice fellow. We’re not really sure what has caused your country to go off the rails, but as we’ve watched your presidential election primary coverage, it appears millions of your fellow Americans have gone utterly bonkers. Read the full story

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Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness


Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, World NewsComments (10)

Tribal Antics of Canadian Question Period Melt Face off of Skull, Study Shows


Dateline: OTTAWA—A study headed by Dr. Lawrence Dipplerdoo, medical researcher at McGill University, indicates that excessive exposure to Question Period at the Canadian House of Commons can be fatal. In an interview, Dr. Dipplerdoo said that if you watch all 45 minutes of a Question Period, from beginning to end, there’s a statistically significant chance that your face will melt off of your skull and land in your lap. Read the full story

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So you think you know Canada, eh? Seven myths about our neighbors to the north


The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you.

Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/EditorialComments (3)

Social Media Diplomacy Threatens to Destabilize International Relations


Much of the conflict that resulted in the First World War was fostered in the various alliances that countries bound themselves to in the years leading up to the conflict.

In the Information Age, a similar dynamic had predicated itself in social media relationships between various countries and their leaders, leading to tenuous diplomatic bonds and disputes that threaten to push the world to the brink of war. Read the full story

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Posted in Internets TubesComments (2)

Think You Know Canada, eh? 7 Northern Neighbor Myths


The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you. Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (2)

Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism


DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read the full story

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N. Dakota Found to be Illegitimate State; Canada Seizes It


A recent disturbing discovery by a North Dakotan historian has revealed a disturbing fact about one of the least popular states in the union- the fact that it is not a state.

John Rolczynski has discovered that the governor and the state deputies at the time of it’s founding never took the oaths of office necessary to give North Dakota statehood. Read the full story

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Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy


ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (5)

Chicago’s Famous Wrigley Outsources Its Mints to Canada – The Horror


CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) —

The horror! The horror!

This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

The horror! The horror! Read the full story

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2010 Winter Olympics — Sold Out to the Highest Bidder?


This scene was captured by one of our authors last week, but we can’t publish it under her name because she was subsequently disqualified for using performance enhancing substances. We will still publish it, but we can’t give her credit, and our thanks to Roger Freed for picking up the torch where she passed out, even if he didn’t edit the text for length, readability or any sort of journalistic integrity. Read the full story

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Detroit Dismantled And Moved To Chicago


What is left of the city of Detroit was dismantled and shipped to Illinois this week. The Motor City, long beset by declines in the automotive industry and general economy, has given up the ghost as a separate city entity and will be rebuilt as a new suburb of Chicago called ‘Floyd’. The once proud Midwestern City that saw its heyday as the center of American automotive might has long languished from the onslaught of foreign cars that are smaller, more compact and reasonably priced, much like the foreigners themselves.

The whole endeavor is a slap in the face to the remaining Detroitonians. Read the full story

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Is the US Losing its Patience with Canada?


Paris, TX — Canada, once one of America’s staunchest allies in North America and a bulwark against growing aboriginal unrest and encroachment of the Scandinavian powers, continues to befuddle the West.

In the 1950s, 60s, and 70s Canada, with the backing of the US and England, grew to prominence in North America. Canada became a ‘strongman’ and a policeman that the West could rely on in a sea of continuous turmoil in a region troubled by the growing influence of capitalism and rock and roll. Read the full story

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WNHL Combines Canada’s Two Greatest Exports


Perhaps you’ve heard of Canada, it’s the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation “not having a reputation,” marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not. Read the full story

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