The end of the world is nigh, and there’s nothing you can do about it!
The Antichrist is among us, and we’ve not got much time…
How so? Well, read on to find out more! Pretty sure the mainstream media aren’t covering this one… But this ain’t the time for petty grudges. Anyway, it all begins with a creepy public statement from the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, or HHS.
HHS is the U.S. Government’s principal agency for protecting the health of all Americans and providing essential human services, especially for those who are least able to help themselves.
… Nope, that’s not the statement at all! However, it’s perfectly in keeping with this policy, that the HHS have launched a downright APOCALYPTIC warning…
This ain’t looking good!
Dear Citizens of America and Free Hearts Across the Globe (oh well maybe the Unfree Ones now as well, it’s not like we really have much of a justification for being petty and parochial at this point in history)…
America has many tireless public personnel who have been trying to stave off the impending doom we have all feared. But sad to say, we are now unable to say ‘Mission Accomplished.’ Our experts tell us the world is almost certain to end within a few days.
We in America, and in all those other random places nobody’s even heard about, have been menaced by an innumerable array of threats. Disease, famine, floods, droughts and even the wiles and tricks of dastardly failed states like Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Red China, Red Russia, and hell, we might as well say it now we’ve got nothing to lose: the France of Petit Macron! We survived them all; but we appear to have failed at the final hurdle.
The birth of John ‘Antichrist Bolton’ was prophesied over 2000 years ago.
The dark ‘nativity’ of this infant was overshadowed by such evil that all the world’s most talented scholars, religious figures and experts have been secretly ‘colluding’ for decades to try and bring an end to this unspeakable horror.
But to our dismay, the cursed child waxed ever greater in malice.
Sacrificing his angelic bliss and rolling around in the muck of real estate and party politics, having to deal with neocons, oil barons and shabby, unprincipled careerists of all stripes, the greatest and most courageous power among all the angels, despite his great powers of pretense that have shielded his identity until this very day, is no longer able to hold down and repress the unspeakable Satanic evil of Lucifer himself.
For some several months, the mighty power of the Archangel Michael managed to constrain the powers of hell, and to bribe the corrupt Antichrist, John Bolton, with luxury dinners and high-grade champagne…
Nonetheless, after a brief lull (or so it seemed), the once ‘quiescent’ son of Satan began to get restless, and began to make violent threats against the entire world…
Some of which are too obscene for us even to repeat here, at this time of such terrible and traumatic tragedy for all the world.
We did not realise until it was too late that Bolton’s ‘Satan Whisperer,’ the long foretold False Prophet Mike Pompeo (otherwise known by Moloch, Mammon and many other names cynically calculated to mock and pervert the wisdom of that other great figure beginning with ‘M’ who we have spoken of above)…
Had been secretly communing with him behind closed doors, and initiating him ever deeper and darker into those hideous Satanic rituals that are so unspeakably vile, corrupt and wicked, that even Aleister Crowley and Satan’s cunning decoy, ‘Antipope Francis,‘ the greatest goddamn bait and switch cameo sideshow in HISTORY (not that there’s much of that history stuff to go around anymore!)…
Would be compelled to shriek in the utmost horror of unspeakable, immeasurably agonizing despair, should they even contemplate these horrific ceremonies of brutality for a single, infinitesimal moment of their neverending damnation in the deepest, darkest circles of eternal hellfire.
Alas! Our last great hope was opioids; if the Greek gods had ambrosia, and if the children of Israel had celestial manna, so also is the native food of hellfire an extraordinarily potent force for evil; so much so, it utterly dizzies the mind to think of it!
But even these horrible, poisonous, wretched pills, straight from the filthiest, dankest, most irredeemably corrupt stream of Lethe, Styx, and all the other even more abominable rivers of Pandemonium, so corrupt and wicked that even the angels of Heaven are forbidden to name them: even these were not enough to constrain the unheard-of wickedness and evil of the Man of Sin.
Within just a few short days, even the mightiest powers of Heaven will prove incapable of stopping the Antichrist, John Bolton.
So, a little word to the wise:
We advise everyone to get the fuck off Instagram, stop wasting time on Netflix and actually spend some decent quality time with your family and friends, like for once in your fucking life!
Also, a bit of prayer might actually help, instead of cussing at World of Warcraft or bitching about the woes of the world and actually doing absolutely fuck all to help yourself and others with said ohhhhhh so triggering PROBLEMS!
That said, we hope you manage to put things straight with God, as he gathers that he’s a little pissed with the erstwhile ‘Crown of All Creation,’ as he used to call all these human beings of his.
Try and do something nice, just this once.
Feed the homeless, help an old lady across the street, and for the love of all that’s good and holy, get the fuck off Pornhub!
Time is short, so better enjoy being a bit less of an introverted, selfish asshole while you still have the chance!
God, Satan and Jim Acosta were all equally unavailable for comment.