GlossyNews.com – Hog Jaw, GA – Not since her child beauty pageant loss in Vicksburg to 6-year-old Playdo model Mae Belle Glutz has reality TV star Honey Boo Boo cried so hard as to drop her fried chicken drumstick.
So far, the Tots and Tiara Queenette has bawled non-stop, and refuses to eat, taking only an occasional sip of Red Bull or Mountain Dew. The cause of her emotional breakdown? The stunning re-election loss of Barack Obama prematurely reported by CNN.
RIGHT: Honey Boo Boo child, seen here weeping a rich bacon grease drizzle. In a recent family photo little Honey Boo Boo tried to look chipper and happy, but it took a double plate of fried mountain oysters and grits to make her finally smile. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)
Between sobs and slurps, 7-year-old Honey Boo Boo tried to explain how her family needed an Obama win in order for them to get a free pre-paid pink cell phone and a years supply of bacon cracklings promised by the local ACORN chapter chairwoman for Honey Boo Boo’s Obama endorsement in September.
Honey Boo Boo, apparently only slightly less intelligent than her mother the Human Thumb, is unaware that ACORN dissolved in 2010, and that since she is not on free or reduced lunches, she would not qualify for a free Obama telephone.
“I’ll never be able to call Uncle Poodle and tell him when I wins something big like the Little Miss Hog Jaw Pageant,” cried Boo Boo as she clutched a worn and tattered Obama photo between her sticky, pudgy fingers.
Honey Boo Boo rose to fame as regular contestant on the TLC channel’s infamous ‘Tots and Tiaras’ beauty pageant series, a favorite among midwestern housewives and pedophiles. A show all her own was spun off this past season. It has become a hit show with almost 3 million viewers per episode.
The cast of characters includes stay-at-home mom and Mrs. Potatohead without any pieces added on, June, chalk-mining dad Sugar Bear, and sisters 12-year-old Lauryn “Pumpkin,” 15-year-old Jessica “Chubbs,” and 17-year-old pregnant Anna “Chickadee.” It is not believed that Sugar Bear is the father of the child, though there are unanswered questions.
The show highlights the family doing their favorite things like picking up road kill, bobbing for pigs’ feet, four-wheeling through cleansing mud, and the mass consumption of all things fried. In the first episode, Honey Boo Boo was upset over a string of pageant losses. Sugar Bear cheered up his princess by bringing home a pet pig who Honey Boo Boo named Glitzy. We’re not making this up.
In the season finale, Honey Boo Boo finally won a championship crown by adding a surprise to her all grown-up attire, assuming one can be a grown-up clown prostitute, as she pranced on the stage in front of astonished judges… A carefully crafted fake pregnancy bump stole the show while outraging millions of viewers, who nonetheless remain big fans.
TLC promises that ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo‘ will return next season and begin filming as soon as Boo Boo is over the stunning loss for the President, however real or imagined it may be.