Ruh Ro: Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out

GlossyNews.com – TALLAHASSEE — Mitt Romney conceded Florida early election night, roof-racked by a story he could not shake.

Animal activists nationwide hounded Romney the length of the campaign for strapping Seamus, the family dog to the roof of the car during a 12-hour trip to Canada… or Arizona, wherever it was he went.

Voter exit polls reflected the dog incident as a key issue that rolled over their presidential vote to Barack Obama. South Florida female voters over age 65 listed animal cruelty over Medicare and the economy as the number one concern facing this country.

Romney addressed disappointed supporters gathered at celebration parties throughout the state via satellite. He did not reference the exit polling specifically, yet astute listeners were quick to pick up the scent of a future run as Romney intermingled canine quotes within his concession speech.

“Friends, Florida is “just a cute little bundle of trouble,” he began, referencing a line from the movie Lady and the Tramp. He continued with a quote from the classic tale, Old Yeller. “What I mean is, things like that happen. They might seem cruel and unfair, but that’s how life is part of the time.” Lassie-esque, he held up one hand and woofed.

Political pundits were quick to interpret the underlying message. “Mitt Romney reached out to dog lovers tonight. Message received. Dogs are us.”

A high-ranking Florida official spoke more directly off the record, but wasn’t entirely clear when he made his comments, so we’ll identify him as campaign strategist David Knowell. “Who knew every maven in the state would schlep their dogs into the voting booth?”

Following reports of voters standing line with pit bulls, Romney chose not to wait an extra hour for voter results from the state’s Central Time Zone panhandle, which is actually in the Eastern time zone, typically conservative and often referenced by natives as “South Alabama”, “East West Virginia” or “New New Mexico”.

Statistics crunched by the 2011-2012 National Pet Owners Survey (compiled by the American Pet Products Association) indicate 68.2 million dogs are owned in the United States, with 10 million more being listed as owners of their owners.

Thirty-nine percent of U.S. households own one dog.

Thirty-eight-point-nine-nine-nine percent of U.S. households report that they would never strap their dog to the roof of their cars.

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2 comments on “Ruh Ro: Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out

  1. I only have a cat, it's a mean cat so it's really like a dog. Does that count? Oh, he also voted for Obama because he doesn't like that crazy guy who promises treats he know will never be delivered.

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