Category: Crime
Stick Figure Drawing Leads Police Straight to Flat, Featureless Killer
A photo-fit identity drawing scribbled down on the back of a whorehouse bar menu by Candida Putata, the sole witness to the murder of Jiggy Moronito, a taxi driver in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, has helped homicide detectives to apprehend six…
Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much
Sir Jarvis Armitage-Shanks, the chairman of HM Scallydale Prison’s Independent Monitoring Board, told the media that illegal phones are fuelling jailbird drug trading and turning honest penitentiaries into hotbeds of crime. Pontificating to reporters that the only way – in…
Terrorists Win: Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial
Deep in the Mountains of Pakistan: Osama Bin Laden gave a rare press interview today to BSNE and other members of the international media. Commenting on the Obama Administration’s decision to try the mastermind of the 9-11 Attacks, Khalid Sheik…
Expenses Scandal MP Blames Hitler n’ Jews
In a novel reverse psychology play on Jewish pogroms and the Nazi Holohoax David Wilshire, the disgraced UK Conservative MP for Scumford-on-the-Wold, has compared the excommunicative treatment of politicians over their dodgy (fraudulent) expense claims to the plight of Jews…
Big Brother Builds Armpit Sniffer
A hi-technology device that can detect human fear through the medium of ‘smelling’ it is being developed by British scientists and could soon be sniffing out the body odours of anxious terrorists – or shoplifters, welfare benefit cheats, the chronically…
Biking Bonkers Boris Foils Mugging
Lord Mayor of London, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, last night rescued a woman from being attacked by an armed group of drunken yobettes, chasing them down the road on his bicycle while shouting “Effin’ Oiks – I’ll have yer all horse-whipped…
Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency
A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud. Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement…
The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’
A horror story that has it’s Kafkaesque–Orwellian origins rooted in the date of 2nd June 2008, has now come – a year and a half later – a haunting full-circle from when more than 500 of the Met’s finest plods…
Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer
A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship. The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t…
Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon
A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly going to the gym and appearing as a potential zillionaire investor on the BBC’s Dragon’s Den programme has been jailed for 18 months and ordered to repay £20 million in benefit claims….