Author: Benjamin Cain
The Creature of American Democracy Battered & Hunted under President Trump
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—American democracy has been badly injured and is in hiding as a result of Donald Trump’s being elected president of the United States. There have since been scattered sightings of Democracy across the country. At midnight in Pasadena,…
President Trump Murders Alt Right Conservatives, their Ghosts still Support him
Dateline: TRUMPLAND—After President Trump ordered that all of his alt right supporters be systematically murdered, their ghosts said that they still support the president. Mr. Trump tweeted that he was grateful for their continuing support.
Consumer Protection Law Humbles American Politicians & Mass Media
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Congress passed a law mandating that large American organizations report the average of their polled approval rating in their public statements, the White House, Congress, and the mainstream media stumbled in attempting to conduct their business. There…
Liberals Accused of Insensitivity for Mocking Mentally-Disordered President Trump
Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Martha Mollycoddle, the mother of a man diagnosed as a psychopath and currently undergoing treatment in a hospital for the criminally insane, has begun a campaign to shame liberals and Democrats for mocking President Trump as a result…
God Praised for Outfitting Donald Trump with Self-Destruct Button
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Thousands of Americans, who resist Donald Trump’s presidency on the grounds that he is literally a psychopath, have formed a religious group calling for praise of God for supplying the psychopath Donald Trump with a self-destruct button. The…
Prophet of Doom Cheated Out of his Due Respect
Dateline: Year 2032, somewhere in the former United States—After the collapse of Western civilization in 2031, followed by the ruination of the rest of the planet, a self-proclaimed former prophet of doom has been reminding the survivors that he told…
Beautiful Women Conceal Their Hotness to Attract Nice Guys
Dateline: NEW YORK—A growing number of beautiful single women curse their physical charms, fearing that worthy men aren’t attracted to them so much as intimidated and liable to defecate in their pants before even thinking of approaching them. Dailywellnesspro has…
Club Punishes Talk Show Audiences for Drowning out Guests with Lingering Applause
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Investigators have uncovered a club devoted to shaming audience members of American talk shows whose clapping and other loud reactions to the guests’ remarks often drown out what the guests are saying, wasting the time of the viewers…
News Media Confuse Viewers by Speaking as if all Oligarchs are Russian
Dateline: TENNESSEE—American corporate news media baffle viewers by presupposing that all oligarchs are Russian citizens. “You never hear CNN speak of American oligarchs,” said news media watcher Alonzo Plompus. “For some unknown reason, whenever you hear about oligarchs on cable…