Author: Benjamin Cain
News Channel Treats Politics as Theater
Dateline: NY CITY—Under the auspices of Europe’s Postmodern Media Group, American entrepreneur Roy Havalaff is launching a cable political news channel that will assume no politician is capable of honesty.
Man Mocked for Alleging his Female Boss Sexually Assaulted Him
Dateline: NY CITY—Software engineer Timmy Whatawuss alleged on social media that he was sexually assaulted by his female employer, Olga Pololga, and has been met with laughter from all quarters.
Footnote added to the Hollywood Sign, reminding Starlets to “Expect to be Molested”
Dateline: HOLLYWOOD, 2019—Movie producer Danny Fishman lamented that sometime during the 1960s, a footnote to the Hollywood Sign was removed, since that footnote used to warn prospective starlets that they should expect to be sexually molested as payment for receiving…
China Officially Adopts Infantilized America in 2047
Dateline: PLAYGROUND 307, Year 2051—The eight hundred remaining adults in the United States are increasingly asking how the Age of Reason become the Age of Babies.
Bounties of Liberty
I was sleeping on an airport bench and was rudely awoken by a wall-mounted television screen playing a CNN interview with an American politician. I had to scramble to avoid being infected by the politico’s anticommunication and hit my head…
World’s Religious Leaders Pray for President Trump’s Comeuppance, to Restore God’s Good Name
Dateline: CALCUTTA—Religious leaders all over the world are praying for Donald Trump’s comeuppance.
Jimmy Fallon Slobbers on Guests while Serial Killer Stabs his Audience to Death
Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—Jimmy Fallon, host of The Tonight Show, played softball with his guests while a serial killer crept through the studio, killing the members of the live audience one by one as they applauded the antics of the…
Documentary examines Movie Star’s Reluctance to Play God
Dateline: CANNES—A behind-the-scenes documentary about the life of world-renowned actor Johnny Hazitall has perplexed viewers, as experts in the film scramble to explain how anyone worshipped by hundreds of millions of fans could be so ungrateful as to avoid the…
Uglies on the Outskirts Scheme to Lure Beauties away from Big Cities
Dateline: TORONTO—A team of physically unappealing people based in the outskirts of large cities across North America has hatched a plot to lure the beautiful and handsome elites away from their lairs at the heart of the downtown areas. Team…
Manjaws: A Rant by Rashad the Cackler
Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—The runner’s-up in this year’s American Rant Competition have been announced. Surprisingly, all of the entries were authored by a single man, named Rashad, also known as the Cackler, who is an elderly homeless man. Rashad has…