Author: Benjamin Cain
Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn
Dateline: WEST MONROE, LA—Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, got into trouble with his politically incorrect comments about homosexuality being un-Christian. For financial reasons, A&E stood by Mr. Robertson, Duck Dynasty will continue filming, and conservative groups have applauded…
Ice Storm Victims learn Horrible True Meaning of Christmas
of Christmas. The ice storm has brought down thousands of large tree branches which knocked out power lines, causing power outages in the homes of over 200,000 Torontonians alone.
Starving Artists call the Internet a Vast Communist Conspiracy
Millions of underemployed or out-of-work citizens of Canada, Europe, and the United States took to the streets to protest the internet as a vast communist conspiracy. Moreover, many Westerners are flocking to China, praising its pervasive censorship of the internet…
Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome
Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality. But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate…
Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty
Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the…
Robopundit Alex Castellanos Soft Sells Republican Anarchism
Dateline: PALO ALTO—Robotics Corp, a Fortune 500 company, treated reporters to a behind-the-scenes look at the manufacturing of their pre-programmed artificial persons for use in selling conservative policies in the United States. The featured model is called the Alex Castellanos,…
Smart Phones Turn their Users into A#$holes, Researchers say
Dateline: BERKELEY– While many Americans are reeling from the news that the NSA is spying on their locations by tracking their mobile devices, social scientists are concerned about a more existential threat: those devices are turning people into a#$holes.
Insider Opens Shelter for Regretful & Embittered Advertisers
Dateline: NEW YORK—Hugo “Sellout” Slickster, a recovering ex-advertiser, opened The Center for Alienated and Cynical Advertisers (CACA). Its mission is to provide support for advertisers who are withdrawn and embittered because their job forces them to dehumanize consumers and thus…
Rush Limbaugh Blasts Pope Francis & the Jesus he Rode in on!
Responding to Pope Francis’s warning that the “idolatry of money” leads to a “new tyranny,” the conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh spoke on behalf of the demonic powers that govern the material world and that only genuine followers…