Robert Mueller: The Knight-Errant who Tripped over his Lance

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Robert Mueller stunned the quarter of Americans who are intent on keeping their country from sliding down the tubes, by turning in a lackluster performance in his televised hearings before Congress.

Knowing that most Americans prefer to watch television than to read, Democrats had hoped Mr. Mueller would translate the legalese of his muddled report into bombshell talking points, to fire up the calls to begin impeachment proceedings against an egregious pseudopresident, Donald Trump, who has profaned the White House or else shown that the myths of the sacredness of American values have always been lies.

Mr. Mueller refused to comply with those pleas for assistance in saving the republic from the chthonic forces of populist anarchy and rightwing Christian balderdash. As the adorable progressives in the congressional hearings praised his patriotism and lobbed softball questions about Mr. Trump’s galaxy of wrongdoings, Mr. Mueller revealed that he’s a doddering old man clinging desperately to the letter of the law like a clueless Pharisee.

The director of the investigation into Mr. Trump’s conspiracy to turn the United States into a fascist hellhole refused to venture further than the findings of his report, just as that report declined to indict Mr. Trump for his obvious conspiracy with Russia and obstruction of justice. No such report was needed in the first place to remind everyone about the president’s millions of crimes and sins against the human spirit.

In a press conference following his anticlimactic appearances before Congress, Mr. Mueller clarified his reluctance to help save his country by lowering himself to the level to which the United States has sunk since the megalomania of Richard Nixon.

“The problem is that politicians have the cooties,” said Mr. Mueller. “The Democrats didn’t just want me to give political answers. They wanted me to associate with politicians, to be in the same room with cootie-ridden, pants-on-fire liars, with sordid, money-grubbing cowards and demagogues who won’t even take my report to the next logical stage and file to impeach the president.”

Mr. Mueller stressed that he would much rather be stalking poor foreigners in the jungles of Vietnam, mowing them down with machine-gun fire and drinking their blood with his stony-faced Marine buddies.

For her part, Nancy Pelosi welcomed Mr. Mueller’s letdown, since she has no intention of appearing strong and heroic by impeaching the president in spite of senate opposition. According to her fevered dream, American voters in 2020 will respect her devotion to the country’s broken legal and political systems, as Democrats labour to put a single relevant witness on the stand in their vacuous investigations that are meant to prove to Americans what they already know, that Donald Trump doesn’t play by the rules.

“Women have taken the power back from vainglorious men,” she declared at a press conference. “Hooray for Democrats!”

Being an elderly low-talker herself, Mrs. Pelosi has apparently forgotten how American voters in 2016 preferred a deranged and marauding troglodyte to the calm and efficient technocrat, Mrs. Clinton.

Forgotten also is the farce of the anachronistic Electoral College, which allowed Mr. Trump to win the presidency despite his loss of the popular vote, and which flies in the face of her presumption that American politics ought to be respected.

Forgotten, too, is the fact that Mr. Trump was nominated only because the Republican Party has been pushed further and further rightward into insanity as a result of decades of Republican gerrymandering, which has given the conservative politicians the equivalent of monopoly power and which likewise mocks the Democrat’s faith in America’s political system.

Forgotten, finally, is that most Americans either have abandoned both political parties, by consistently not voting at all, or welcome Mr. Trump’s villainy since they mean to use his mental disorders to bring down the neoliberal establishment that sold out Middle America as dictated by the wacky religion of free-market economics.

When the blinders fall,
What vain and shallow knight
Will heed the devil’s call
And douse the fire’s light
Or wipe the writ from the wall,
Save the burned from their spite?
Whence the American gall,
To call the last day “night”?

Author: Benjamin Cain

Ben Cain is a misanthropic omega male who likes to think that the more you suffer, the funnier you can be, and the more of an alienated loser you are, the more you can withstand coming face to face with the horrors of reality. He dedicated himself to discovering whether suffering has a meaning and so he earned a meaningless Ph.D. in analytic philosophy. He shares his findings by writing philosophical rants on his blog, Rants within the Undead God, and he's published a novel, called God Decays, which is available on Amazon. Also, he's pretentiously written this bio in the third person even though he rarely partakes of such conventional trickery.