When results came in from the polls this month, the United States had its first case of bipartisan joint custody for a political office, as a way of finally settling a domestic dispute between both of Kentucky’s state governors. And people it’s a really hot topic! This is what they have to say:
I wish my divorce could’ve gone this smoothly. Watch, one of them will get a restraining order soon.
Susan from Louisville
We have a governor?
Mariah (Mary? Marcey?) from Somerset
Have you seen my keys? I can’t find my keys.
Andrew from Lexington
Former (but for some reason still current) Governor Matt Bevin was informed that his legal rights to the office would be terminated when Democratic candidate Andy Beshear beat him in the election. Like with all custody cases, Matt Bevin responded to the news by shouting “This is my house!” and “I’m not fired, you’re fired!” while kicking himself in circles on the office floor, as if his whole life was basically a Three Stooges rerun.
When Bevin’s advisors advised him “that’s not how elections work,” the governor stated “no thanks!” and hid under his desk.
The race for office was a close one, with Beshear coming out on top by only .4% votes. Under fear of a recount, Beshear visited Bevin at the office, coxing his opponent out from his hiding place with individually wrapped caramels. No one really knows what happened after the doors were closed, but several hours later, both Democrat and Republican emerged hand-in-hand. They announced to sixteen unmanned news cameras that they would be sharing the office.
When asked why Beshear was willing to share his new office, he said this:
It wasn’t part of the plan. It really wasn’t. But, when I saw the tears streaming down Matt’s face, when I saw how much he cared for the office he’d invested so much time raising, I couldn’t just take it away from him. Have you ever met an office that grew up under a single governor? That’s begging for dependency issues.
Masses gathered around the office in confusion. The crowd shook their heads, passed out from opioid overdoses, and shouted:
How is this even fucking legal?!
As a podium was pulled up from stage left, the governers prepared their responses. Bevin spoke first:
Dear people of this great state of, um, wherever we are, you’ll be happy to know that I’m not abandoning you. I wish we could have more time together, but every-other-weekend is better than nothing. Except for those weekends I have a party scheduled, or if I’m too tired to deal with your behavior. Either way, I’ll send a birthday card.
Feeling he had lost the crowd, Bevin shouted “Y’all!” The people erupted in cheers. Beshear, after winking at his co-seat, stepped up to the podium.
Wonderful people of Kentucky, I know you’re wondering how this is possible. Well, the fourth amendment assured us our right to “sharing is caring.”
And, under the Neverland Clause, if you believe hard enough, anything’s possible.
Though none of the things Beshear said were true at the time, Congress has since amended the constitution with a Sharpie to ensure the validity of the agreement, stating:
This is the greatest step ever taken toward an uncertain spiral of centrism that nobody ever asked for in the first place, and that’s a beautiful thing.
The following day, there were outcries from the basements of political experts warning that this could be the start of a dangerous trend. When asked what trend that might be, the experts confirmed two things:
A) I can’t remember what I said five minutes ago.
B) Anyone can be an expert if they yell loud enough.
C) Get out of my bedroom and quit licking my toaster.
But will the rise of joint political custody continue? It looks like only time will tell.